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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, November 25, 2004

I'm so weak. Still talking, but you can't even say goodnight to me. You leave without warning, leaving me alone and empty. I am lost without the thought of you to anchor me. You were my rock, the one who I could go to for support, no matter what type of problem I was having. You were the stake I could tether my chain to so that I was free to drift anywhere I chose without having to worry about drifting too far. You were my shoulder that I cried on many more times than I should have. You were another piece in my puzzle. You were the joy I felt when I earned a smile from you. You were my teacher who taught me so many new things; how to see from all perspectives before making a judgement, how to realize that things in movies aren't real. You showed me that it was okay to tear down the walls I'd so carefully built up over the years. You let me know that it was okay to be the real me, the one that no other person has ever seen besides you.
No one has seen that much of me. No one. Not a girl or a boy or a parent or a best friend or a stranger or even an online journal. Keeping myself hidden was no chore for me. Wearing that mask was no extra work. Putting on an act was no extra effort. It was all just second-nature to me, so easy to do, so natural. You told me to take my walls down and show you who I really am: a raw, tortured, confused, lost little girl in so much pain. Afraid to show anyone, even her closest friends, who she really is inside. You saw me burdened, panicked, sick, full of desire, at my worst moments and at my best moments. You saw me unmasked and unadorned. You saw me fully made up and dressed to impress. You saw me as a broken soul and you saw me as a lustful slut. You saw me completely naked of anything I've ever used to cover myself with and, despite all of that, you cared for me. You liked the real me better than the me everyone else sees.
After giving you what I am, how am I supposed to go back to giving you the same person everyone else gets? I try to talk to you like we're just two people and you still ask to know what's going on in my head. I'm too weak to hide it from you. Too used to letting you in anyway. It hurts now having you inside of me and the emotional masochist in me embraces that pain. I'm so weak when it comes to you. I can't let you out of my head. You know what I'm feeling even if I try to hide it from you. How can I put my walls up properly then? How can I keep them up if you want them down? I don't have the strength to resist you for you've already had me more naked than anyone else ever has. I showed you all that I am and you treasured her. Now, I feel that even she wasn't good enough for you. And, if the real me isn't good enough for someone, what do I have left? My dignity, pride, self-esteem, self-worth... down the drain. The fake me couldn't keep you and the real me couldn't keep you. My walls can't keep themselves up around you and I need those walls to protect myself. It's taken years to build them so nicely around myself. I built them up so tight that no one else has ever gotten through. Sure, I've let them down partly at certain times for certain people, but I've never dropped them all at once like I did with you. How can I continue to bear my soul to you and expect myself to stop feeling the way that I do?
I can't continue to tell you what's going on in my head without telling you certain things that I now have to leave out. Last time I told you those things anyway and it led to something I am rather ashamed of. We may have both wanted it, and I still want it. The pain was sweet in my veins. Give me more sugar. Do you not want it too? You said you enjoyed it and that is was satisfying to you. It is so wrong and yet... good? Let me put my walls back up. Stop asking me to take them down. But, if you ask, I must obey. No, that's a lie. "Must" isn't quite the right word. I need to obey. If you ask for me, I am there as soon as I can be. If you so much as look at me, I am prepared to pay attention. I love the pain you bring me. I hate the pain you bring me. I love the hurting. I long to still be real around you, but the logical side of me tells me that isn't possible to keep up. If I continue to be open around you, my feelings will remain open as well.
How can I find the strength to say no to you when, for so long I've said yes? You're not supposed to have a say in my functioning anymore. My mistakes are mine to make now. How do I let go of everything? How do I build up a moat and fortress to go along with these walls? How do I keep you out? How do I keep you out when I don't want you out? How can I keep you in and remain neutral to my feelings? I want you in. You want to be in, but not in the way I want you there. In or out? Out would be best, but I don't have the power for that (yet?). For now, you are in and I hope against hope for some sweet pain again. Toy with my emotions and make me hurt like I've never hurt before. I love it.

*stupid link of the day* Orgasmica Online: ever wanted to know about the difference between male and female orgasms?
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