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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

I am an emotional masochist. I thrive on emotional pain. Without it, I wilt. If the opportunity for it arises, I can't turn in down. Even if I know that all it will end in is more pain, I keep going. I jump in, thrill myself for a while, and am eventually shut down with promises of a broken heart, a shattered soul and hot tears running down my cheeks. Why do I feel the need to become an emotional painslut? No one likes pain, least of all me. I hate hurting. Emotional pain has to be one of the worst feelings in the entire world. Why would anyone want to hurt their heart? Physical scars heal with a band-aid and some polysporin. Emotional scars may never heal. Why is it that kind I seek out? Pain gives me something to focus on. Love is too complicated and scattered. Love can't be held down to one point. Pain, beautiful pain, is something that can be held close to you and, if you choose so, never let go. Pain comes from one thing and one thing only. No need to ponder all the different aspects of it. It is sharp and clear and easy to focus on. Maybe being an emotional masochist has something to do with letting a vicious circle continue. I know I'm not the only one who has done something knowing that it will lead to nothing but pain. Is it possible to stop being a masochist? Or is this something you just are. I hate it and, at the same time, I love it. I can't live without pain. Is there any form of happiness that is worth a broken heart? The feeling of being broken is nothing new to me, but true happiness is so foreign. I don't know how to experience it properly. When I'm happy, I stop knowing how to function and I am overwhelmed. I lose myself in happiness. I drift away in the river of ecstasy and become its prisoner. With pain, I am brought back to myself with a sudden crash and am always aware of myself and how I feel. Pain gives me a sense of self. So, why is it that I hate pain so much? I long to be happy, to be content, to be satisfied. I long for you...
If you feel nothing for me, how can you fuck me? How can you be turned on by me? I know that you need something more than just the physical to become aroused so, why can't you admit that something may still be there? I feel it and I want you to feel it too. We are apart and yet you are still wanting to fuck me, to use me, to break me. It hurts me so much and still I let you do it. I participate in it. I don't just lie there and take it; I talk to you and stimulate you and urge you on. With the pain/wrongness comes an intensity you wouldn't believe. Is that what I crave? No. I crave you. I want I want I want I can't have. If you have no feelings in that way for me, how can you still fuck me? How can you still let me love you? Perhaps you are an emotional sadist and you get off on my pain. Is that why that circle happens? A masochist and a sadist entwined, neither wanting to be, but entwined nonetheless.
You get off on my pain. I get off on my pain. I tell you about how I hurt and it turns you on. I get turned on when you hurt me. I want you to hurt me and I want you to hold me. Can I ever actually have both? You break me and I cry tears of arousal. I tell you about my feelings and my cries arouse you. The circle begins and no one knows when a circle ends. A masochist and a sadist destined to be apart and yet, keep getting drawn together. We need to stop stepping toward each other's paths, but what is it that draws us? My need for pain, your need for my pain. Let the pain surround us until there is no one else in the world besides you and me. Let my pain shroud us in darkness. Cover me in blood, tears, sweat. I want you to be the cause of those fluids running from my body. I want you to make me hurt. I want you to care enough to make me hurt. I want you to care.
I hate hurting. I hate the fact that I let you hurt me. I hate the fact that I keep going back for more. I hate the fact that you let me come back for more. I hate the fact that you open your arms to my pain. I hate the fact that my pain opens my heart to you. I hate the fact that you know exactly who I truly am and you still think I'm "amazing". I hate myself for thriving under the pain. I hate the fact that it's you who causes my pain and it's you who owns me. I hate the fact that I am too weak to turn away. I hate the fact that I love the internal turmoil. I hate how it gives me pleasure beyond belief. I hate the fact that the worst feeling in the entire world is what I live for. I hate how I love that you don't like me. I hate how I melt under your coldness. I hate how I love you (in part) for making me hurt. I love the pain. I love the torture. I love the tears. I love the circle. I love the pain. I love you.
[edit] I guess I didn't come up with the term "emotional masochist". Oh well, found a so-called quiz online for you to take to find out if you are one. Click here.

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