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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, November 22, 2004

Done. That word signifies that something has been finished, completed, brought to an end. What do you do when something doesn't feel completed? Is it possible to keep at it until it feels resolved? What happens when one party thinks something is resolved and the other doesn't? What happens when one party needs closure and the other doesn't? Is that party obliged to provide closure? What can confuse the lines of "done"?
When you break up with someone and continue to hang out with them and the lines blur. You're broken up but as you're sitting next to them watching a movie, they reach out to touch your hand, or you stroke their cheek. You may see them close their eyes and lean in to your caress. Your body may shiver at their touch. How will you react if they respond to your touch? Will you continue to do it? Will you lean in closer? Will they lean in too? Will you kiss? Passionately, desperately, hungrily, your hands roaming over each others' bodies like you've never felt another person before. Whimpering sounds escaping from your lips, both in lust and in relief. Tears stinging your eyes at the flood of emotions you feel for that person. Hands over clothing, under clothing, removing clothing. Frantic, fevered, frenzied. You kiss them and you remember the sweetness of their spit, the saltiness of the sweat on their skin, the scent of the cologne they wear, the shape of their body. All these thoughts flash through your mind and you remember why you loved them, why you cherished them, why you needed them. You open yourself up to your emotions again and push aside the feeling of "this is a mistake". You're undressing each other, following steps you've followed a million times before, each is so familiar and yet so brand new. Naked, you cling to them, wanting to hold them against you forever and never let them go. Entwined, fucking making love like it's not the end, only the middle. You cry out in ecstasy and bury your face in their shoulder, feeling everything you've ever wanted to feel for someone. When it's over, and you're coming down from your emotional high, you look over at the person in your arms and you fall in love with them all over again. You put aside all the mistakes you've made and all the faults they have. You put aside all the stupid petty fights and you open your heart to them again. You kiss them and caress them and hold them close to you. You spend time together lovingly in perfection. Then something causes you to fall apart and the circle begins again.
Is that circle of "break up, hang out, kiss, together? break up, hang out, kiss together?" a healthy thing? How do you end it? How do you know it's actually supposed to end? How do you know that it's not just a sign that you're not supposed to be broken up? Maybe one of you has feelings for the other person but can't realize that and keeps calling it all off. How do you break a circle? It is perfectly round with no beginning and no end. How do you break a circle?

Heart - Britney Spears
Heart, I know I’ve been hard on you
I’m sorry for the things I’ve put you through
Before you start to break on me or ask for sympathy
I need to make you see

Oh, heart, I’m not sure it’s been long enough
To say that what I feel is really love
There’s just one way to learn, sometimes we’ll get hurt
And right now it’s our turn

Give it time, help me through
Heart, we can do this together
You’re my strength, you’re my soul
I need you now more than ever

Heart, all the hurt will soon be gone
If you’ll, if you’ll just keep on being strong
You will always be my friend, so keep on hangin' in
And we’ll find love again

Heart, I know I’ve been hard on you
I’m sorry for the things I put you through
Please don’t you break on me, I need to make you see
It wasn’t meant to be

‘Cause you will always be my friend, so keep on hangin' in
And we’ll find love again

Your Woman - White Town
Just tell me what you've got to say to me
I've been waiting for so long to hear the truth
It comes as no surprise at all you see
So cut the crap and tell me that we're through

Now I know your heart, I know your mind
You don't even know you're bein' unkind
So much for all your highbrow Marxist ways
Just use me up and then you walk away
Boy, you can't play me that way

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you

I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman
I could never be your woman

When I saw my best friend yesterday
She said she never liked you from the start
Well me, I wish that I could claim the same
But you always knew you held my heart

And you're such a charming, handsome man
Now I think I finally understand
Is it in your genes? I don't know
But I'll soon find out, that's for sure
Why did you play me this way

Well I guess what you say is true
I could never be the right kind of girl for you


Well I guess what they say is true
I could never spend my life with a man like you


Didn't We Almost Have It All - Whitney Houston
Remember when we held on in the rain
The night we almost lost it
Once again we can take the night into tomorrow
Living on feelings
Touching you I feel it all again

Didn’t we almost have it all
When love was all we had worth giving?
The ride with you was worth the fall my friend
Loving you makes life worth living
Didn’t we almost have it all
The night we held on till the morning
You know you’ll never love that way again
Didn’t we almost have it all

The way you used to touch me felt so fine
We kept our hearts together down the line
A moment in the soul can last forever
Comfort and keep us
Help me bring the feeling back again


Didn’t we have the beat of times
When love was young and new?
Couldn’t we reach inside and find
The world of me and you?
We’ll never lose it again
Cause once you know what love is
You never let it end


*quote of the day* "There's no sin in loving men; only pain." -- Ally (Ally McBeal)
*stupid link of the day* Nude Man Carrot: the adventure of Nude Man Carrot.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 4:31 p.m. | | permalink
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