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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Saturday, January 27, 2007

The truth: god* hates me. It's been established. Remember how, in life, once you're finally well on your way to getting over someone who hurt you, they end up getting in contact with you again in some way? Yeah, that. Has "Sex and the City" ever educated me well when it comes to heterosexual relationships.

*whatever higher power, be it a he, she, or an it, that you happen to believe in, if you even believe in a higher power

I e-mailed the Pod's mom to tell her to tell him about the George RR Martin tv series and about a book both he and I were waiting to come out in softcover. Sadly, for both those things, he was the first person I wanted to tell when I found out. Since he doesn't have yours truly around anymore to inform him of things such as this and to force him to read, I thought I'd be kind and let him know through his mother.

So I log onto Facebook today and I have a message. From him. He thanked me for letting him know about the book stuff. How did he know I have an account on Facebook? I only signed up sometime in the middle of December when I was stalling on studying for finals. Also I couldn't resist the urge to look at his account. Well, what I could see of it anyway. There's only 1 friend on there that I can see and it's a girl who is probably his new girlfriend since he seems to pick up new bitches rather quickly. I found out he's going to Cuba, most likely with the possible new girlfriend. Once I saw my facebook message was from him, I burst into tears. I'm actually still very upset. I haven't cried over him in about 2 months. Until today. Fuck.

Do I reply to his message? Do I just ignore it? If I do reply, should I do it over facebook or should I be the (sort of) bigger person and actually send an e-mail? Should I be really bitter and let him know that he's completely fucked up my life because I can't even go out on a freaking date* with a guy without being all paranoid and not being able to trust anything the guy says or does. Do I let him know that I can't relax around men now. I don't trust them anymore, not even a little bit. I feel like if I ever let my guard down and relax, then the guy will tear everything to pieces. I can't do this. I don't even know what I'll do if I find out he still reads here on occasion (he didn't do it when we were dating so why would he do it now?).

*I don't do "dates" per se, but I have tried the one on one hanging out thing

So yeah, now I've been crying for the past hour and nothing is making me feel better. When I e-mailed his mom that book info, I wrote that she didn't even have to say she heard it from me. It was the only time EVER that I had mentioned him in an e-mail to her. I don't want to stop talking to her because I really like her and I'm sure that she would never ever mention anything to him about contacting me to thank me. Even if she didn't say who the info was from, I'm sure he could guess. However, normal people wouldn't track me down on facebook to thank me! Normal people would realize how fucked up it would be if they contacted me again and how miserable it would make me. Normal people would just leave me alone!

I'm so upset right now. On top of that, Pfeffer has to go to the vet this afternoon so I can find out what's wrong with him. Everything sucks.

Something else that sucks is wishing a sad goodbye to those whose writing I have come to love. Farewell to Bliatz and to Kal, whom I will never forget for stressing that the brain is the sexiest part of the human body. So long to Freya whose sweet words can sum up a million beautiful memories. I wish you all well with your lives!

*stupid link of the day* Spiders On Drugs: have you ever wondered if the webs spiders create differ if the spider has been introduced to chemicals?
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