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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Friday, December 01, 2006

Remember when you would humour me so? Pushing your buttons was such a major source of fun for me. Almost all of it was a constant test to see how much you could take. You were the only one who would answer back whenever I'd say "merp" in order to get your attention. Remember how you'd laugh at the way I'd snatch my hand back when you'd try to hold it in public. And yet you never once mentioned the fact that I was a hypocrite if I so decided that it was momentarily acceptable. You never once walked away whenever I gave stuffed animals voices and personalities, each one a little different. You answered them back and would give them belly rubs if they so asked. You even went very out of your way on a mission to get me this and to take me to a concert of my favourite band, whom you didn't even particularily like.

Do you remember the very first time you came to visit me and you hunted through three stores before you were able to find this simply because I told you it was one of the only types I would accept. Why give a gift that dies in a week? My mom thought it was the sweetest thing. I dried it and gave it to a friend instead. Remember how I was so eager to shower her with gifts since buying for a girl is much easier than buying for a guy. Do you recall how I had to keep one thing for myself and how amusing you found it.

Does this day stand out in your memory? You told me you hadn't been there in years. That moose certainly must have gotten a show. I still couldn't believe you invited me here and that me going actually turned out to be very fun. Though I didn't sleep well and had to be awake well before seeing this each day (learn how to shut off your own damn alarm), I had a blast. Even when you tried to be suicidal by making an effort to be friends with him. That may not have succeeded but I did end up winning her over, much to my relief.

Do you remember how you dragged me to places like this and laughed when I told you how appalled I was at the decor. You took me to meet your friends and I got the chance to out-nerd myself by having that extended conversation with him about a galaxy far far away. I grumbled this entire weekend while surrounded by rednecks. The only reason I had fun was because you were there, even though you made me slow dance. Now everytime I hear that still overplayed song, I think of our first and only dance.

At least I still have the memory of me being able to convince you to accompany me somewhere you didn't really want to go. It reminded me of why I don't like to shop when I'm with boys. Maybe if you had been able to find an area that sold things like her you would have had more fun there. I'm not sure if I regret never getting on her or not. At least you were almost as excited about them as I was.

Do you remember how you'd phone me at 3:00am because you didn't think I'd be able to get home after spending a night with something similar to this. You were worried and just didn't want to admit it. I'm sure worrying was the last thing on your mind the day I got this just to impress you. Plus the many fun times with things like these. You were also the first one to ever buy me this type of thing. I still don't know exactly what you were thinking when you opened your birthday present to find her in there. I think I was more excited than you were. Same with every new strip featuring them. We definitely should have spent more time doing a little of this and a lot more of that.

Remember how we shared the irritation of the Debbosh and how you didn't quite see the so-called Holy Son in here. Recall my obsession with her and how you were kind enough to go hunting for and pick me up that copy of "W" and then had to carry it around with you all evening, causing you to lose masculinity points but gain major boyfriend points. I do wonder what your honest opinion was of them because they sure let me know how they feel about you.

You must recall the sheer silliness of the way we first exchanged those three little words. I still stand by the fact that I won the bet. Or a memory from even earlier on from that very first video game-filled night where, standing in your kitchen and wrapped in your arms, I adamantly denied that I may possibly like you. If neither of those ring a bell, then Christmas should trigger something, like you being profoundly glad I own men's clothing after the unfortunate animal urine incident.

Do you remember the hundreds of other fun times we had. You making fun of me for hating scary movies, fooling around after my parents went to bed, the trips you'd take just to see me, making me feel like a princess (even though someone a little fluffier had the title first).

Remember the day you fucking turned into someone else who didn't want me around and had no fucking explanation for why! If you don't remember, I sure as hell do. A thousand recollections and more torn apart, butchered and thrown away to rot. Did all those other memories mean nothing to you? Did I mean nothing to you? Am I just yesterday's news? I guess so. Asshole...

**now here's a song I've been playing over and over. it rings true in so many ways. I'm glad I'll be leaving this city. I won't have to ever feel this way again around here. I'll be leaving his ghost behing as well. This song is amazing. Since the video footage of it is live, I've uploaded the mp3 file HERE. you should definitely give it a listen, especially if you've ever had your heart hurt by someone else before.**

The Jeep Song - the Dresden Dolls
©2002 Amanda Palmer

I've been driving around town
With my head spinning around
Everywhere I look I see
Your '96 jeep cherokee

You're a bully and a clown
You made me cry and put me down
After all that I've been through
You'd think I'd hate the sight of you

But with every jeep I see
My broken heart still skips a beat
I guess its just my stupid luck
That all of Boston drives the same black fucking truck

It could be him or am I tripping
And I'm crashing into everything
And thinking about skipping town a while
Until these cars go out of style

I try to see it in reverse
It makes the situation hundreds of times worse
When I wonder if it makes you want to cry
Every time you see a light blue Volvo driving by

So don't tell me if you're off to see the world
I know you wont get very far
Don't tell me if you get another girl baby
Just tell me if you get another car

The number of them is insane
Every exit's an exboyfriend memory lane
Every major street's a minor heart attack
I see a red jeep and I want to paint it black

It could be him or am I tripping
And I'm crashing into everything
I can't wait til you trade the damn thing in
By then they will have put me in the looney bin

It could be him my heart is pounding
It's just no use I'm surrounded
But someday I'll steal your car and switch the gears
And drive that Cherokee straight off this trail of tears

songs from the Break-Up List so far
  • Shakira - Illegal
  • Jann Arden - Insensitive
  • Pink - Who Knew
  • Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending
  • Goldfinger - Counting the Days
  • No Doubt - Ex-Girlfriend
  • Patti Smyth - Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
  • Poe - Angry Johnny
  • Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
  • Janis Joplin - Piece of my Heart
  • Jakalope - Go Away
  • the Dresden Dolls - the Jeep Song
*stupid link of the day* You Left Me After Ten Years, Now I'm Trying To Get Over You, Asshole (a break up tale): "I'm navel gazing, I'm on the break up diet, I am woman, hear me roar then whimper. On September 27th, you left like we were in some f'ing Telemundo soap, you drama queen. You told me you're not in love with me after 10 years. Well, I'm smoking again but still have my sobriety and Zoloft. I'm rearranging the furniture, I'm weeping on the subway, I'm doing this for anyone else who's gotten the shaft. I'm just what this world needs: five kinds of crazy, heartbroken and writin' a blog." And just the kind of woman I need right now!
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 5:15 p.m. | | permalink
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