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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

JeN's final e-mail to the Pod Person in response to his reply to the one she had previously sent him whilst intoxicated.
Hi.

Well... that e-mail was embarrassing. I guess I should dignify it with a sober response. I didn't realize I had written that much. My memory was hazy. However, I am rather mortified. The most I can say now is that, yes, you should be sorry. There's really only one thing you could say that would make me feel better (which isn't necessarily what you may be thinking) but I'm quite sure that isn't ever going to happen. Tell anyone you want that I wrote you while intoxicated. I don't really care. There's actually a lot of things I've stopped caring about.

No, I could not have come across the street to [the bar you work at] and yelled at you. It would have made me look and feel stupid. It would also not have made me feel any better. I have no idea what you meant when you wrote that I am the only one you'd let punch you. I'd like to punch you but that wouldn't do anything. A physical bruise would fade quickly. If I were going to hurt you, I'd have to cut you a little deeper. Maybe then you'd have an idea of how I feel. As much as I cringed while going over what I had written to you, alcohol does still bring out honesty since what I wrote was all true; I just didn't necessarily want you to know it. So, yes, I miss you. A lot. Take whatever satisfaction in that you want to. I'm just glad that I'll be leaving this city in April.

I really do feel like I was a big waste of your time. I had no expectations, no plans for the future, and no romanticized ideas. I wasn't aware that you did. Should I have had some sort of relationship talk from the beginning? Would that have been able to prevent things ending the way they did? Was I supposed to establish what page I was on? Did my assumption that things were going well heighten my hopes for a continuing relationship? Was it something I did or said that made it all go downhill? There are so many questions I've been asking myself that I will never have answers for. You really hurt me and you make feel feel like I am worthless. Whether or not that was your intention, unconscious or not, that is what happened. I thought I was beginning to figure out who you were. Surprise.

I wish I had invested less emotion into the relationship. I wish I hadn't fallen so hard for you. If I could do it all over again, I'm not sure I would. Yes, I had a lot of fun and I very much love my Pfeffer but, is that all worth how I feel now? I honestly don't know. It's very difficult to find yourself again when you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone. Everything reminds me of you. Things I see on the street, things I hear on the radio, things people say to me, things I think. I want so badly to hate you but I can't.

Don't think that I'm not going to get over this. I will. You're most likely well on your way. You'll probably find someone new within the next few months. Isn't that how it always goes with you anyway? I hate that I miss you. After all this, she had better be "the One".



It Must Have Been Love - Roxette

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely
Is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

*stupid link of the day* Man Sells Wife's Box on Ebay: some people are so witty... yeah. Needless to day, this was obviously taken off the website.
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