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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, November 27, 2006

I still suffer from bouts of sadness where tears sting my eyes and cloud my vision. If only each droplet that falls was able to dull my memories of you. At any given moment something will happen that will trigger another thought of you and I feel pain once more. Each day that passes, I'd like to think it lessens a little, until I hear some song on the radio or think back on the past year and, once more, you flood my brain. Things happen every day and I think of who I could share them with and it's always you you you.

This weekend I went to see "Borat" and one of the previews showing was for a movie called "300". At first I thought it was an advertisement for a video game and I perked up. The movie looks amazing and I am thinking about taking a look around for the graphic novel it is based upon. It is the type of movie that I would want to see with you. I see bits and pieces online about the upcoming "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix" film and I think about how I was supposed to force you to read them and how you told me you've only ever seen the other HP movies with girlfriends. Each movie with a different girl. I got movie #4. I wonder who you'll see this next one with...

You'd think I'd be okay by now. I want to be okay by now. You are not good enough for any more of my tears so why will so many more of them fall from the thought of you? Each salt-laden droplet was once replaced by a scar. Those red lines have long healed over and have left strips of darkness along my skin. So many tears, so many marks. If you are not good enough for my tears how can you be good enough for my blood? It stirs everytime I realize that you are the first person I want to tell about my day. Always you, every time. Maybe next time will be the one where I'm fine. So many things we shared that now have your taint on them. The sheets on my bed right now are the only ones you had never fucked me on and thank goodness you never will.

Every single day I play with Pfeffer and every single time I remember the day you brought him to me. My beloved baby was because of you. One whole year and five months were spent with you. You you you. I must have shed at least 1000 tears for every single day spent with you. I must have at least half as many scars on my soul and my skin because of you.

I want to say that I'm through, that I'm done. It's oh-so very comforting to know that I now get to mark the anniversary of that day with every period I get. Lucky for me. I could be dwelling and forcing myself to relive this pain over and over. I don't think I am for it has not consumed me. I can still function and I still want to function. One day, hopefully one day soon, the tears I shed will no longer belong to you. Eventually I will be completely free. Slowly I am feeling better. It's been said that it takes half the amount of time spent in the relationship to completely get over that person. Let me hope that this won't take quite that long. One day I will be fine; I always am.
no embeddable version of this video can be found so click HERE to see it

Go Away - Jakalope

Why do we cry
When there's no more goodbyes
Don't wanna get left behind
Don't wanna be the voice inside

It's suicide to think of you
But I still like the pain

The consequence of losing to you
But I still play the games

But I can see what you do to me
Standing over me, tall
And foolishly I act small
I can't explain how you've got me
Can't explain how you've trapped me
So I take what I can get
Whatever you give me will be the company
I keep when I run run run run from defeat
Oh oh, I wonder


I've sacrificed my own life
Just to see you satisfied
I gave it all up for one more lie
'Til I saw your other side

I can't believe what you do to me
All alone in the crowd
And you can't go back now
Oh I can see this is done
You're irresistibly wrong

So I take what I can get
Whatever you give me will be the company I keep
When I run run run run from defeat
Oh oh, I wonder, oh oh I wonder


*stupid link of the day* Rabbit Chasing Gone Very Wrong: "Squaring a circle and catching a rabbit with your bare hands are the only two things in the world that are impossible. This moron attempts the second and gets what he deserves."
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 3:22 a.m. | | permalink
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