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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, November 13, 2006

I am an extra wheel on occasion. Or at least, that's how I felt Saturday night. Devon's friend called to say that she had rented "Lucky Number Slevin" and she wanted to know if we wanted to watch it. Since she's currently living in residence, Devon invited her over here. While watching the movie, on my left were Devon & Chris, and on my right were Andrea & Matt. Cuddling. It was awkward to say the least. I had wanted to see the movie so I stayed throughout the whole thing and then politely disengaged myself once it was over.

Is the world rigged to make single people... (for lack of a better term) singled out? I'd like to say yes. There is always the question hanging over your head that other people may silently ask: why aren't you with anyone? Events are designed for couples. Dinner parties composed of married people, formal occasions where one is expected to bring a date known as a +1, trips to the theatre where there's someone to share your food with. Never is it overtly explained that a date should be brought. It's all in the underlying expectations that we become so acutely aware of it is difficult to ignore the pressure. How many single people will honestly admit to never ever feeling the pressure of their singleness?

Funny how, when I am a part of a couple, I pick apart the relationship and now that I am no longer a part of a couple, I pick apart my lack of relationship. So it seems I am never satisfied. When I go home for winter break at the end of December, I have the feeling that the "extra wheel" issue will be coming back.

I hope she reads this for it will save me from an intervention when things get worse. I have a friend who, upon accumulating a boyfriend, has disappeared from everyone's lives save for his. She is a different person now. Things she once stood against she now stands for. She has hinged every aspect of her well-being on him to the point where he is beginning to have control over her life. The things she tells me about him (his anger problems, his lack of highschool education, his values, etc) make me wonder why on earth she is with him. From what she tells me, he is not a good person. Yes, all I know about him is what she tells me, but I am able to make my own judgement based on what she says. For example, she told me that if for some reason he ever felt that I was provoking him, he would end up physically hurting me, and that she wouldn't be surprised if he ended up in jail in the future. From what I can tell, he is going to bring her down and since she has based her self-worth on what he thinks, she is going to end up staying with him and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. The few times I have met him he has been cold and distant. The only times he talks to me are when he is insulting something I enjoy doing.

She ignores all that is going on around her in favour of being in his little bubble. She blames it on the fact that all her friends have packed up and moved away to school. Funny how, when she was single, that didn't stop her from talking to said friends online or over the phone. In fact, one friend is still in town and one other friend is still within local calling range. I've heard from her a grand total of five times since I've moved back to school over two months ago. Four out of those five were initiated by me and either a text message via cell phone or an e-mail. She always has her cell phone on her and checks it constantly so when it got to the point where she wouldn't reply for days and days, I got fed up. I'm not going to contact her anymore. If she misses me, she can get in touch with me.

I miss her. The one time we've talked on the phone since I've been at school was tense, full of uncomfortable silences. She and I never had moments like those before he came along. She's different now and has always been easily influenced by others. Meeting anyone new is bound to change a person but this change has not been for the better. Our friendship is strained because I feel like she is replacing everyone in her life with him. I care for her so much and I am glad that she is happy which is why it's difficult to figure out if I have the right to say anything to her about this. My friend's happiness is ruining my happiness and is therefore ruining our friendship so do I have the right to intrude on her relationship? I'm quite sure that anything I said regarding him wouldn't mean that she would break up with him. I just want her to re-evaluate why she is with him. She was single for a very long time before him so if she thinks she has to cling to him now because she won't find anyone else, she's very wrong. I don't want my friend to wind up with some degenerate scumbag who is too lazy to get his GED and who influences her toward things she never would have done before. Or am I just sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong?

Now for another track from JeN's break-up songs list...

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patti Smyth feat. Don Henley

Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't want to hate you
I don't want to take you
But I don't want to be the one to cry

And that don't really matter
To anyone anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you
Baby, you don't have to take the fall
Yes, I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change


And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough

*stupid link of the day* the Smiley Face Intervention: are you guilty of using too many emoticons and chat speak terms, such as "lol" when you are having a conversation over instant messenger? if so, this video is for you. don't be afraid to admit it!
It also helps that one of my biggest pet peeves of the moment is people who type "lol" in an online conversation and leave it at that. That is NOT conversation! How do you expect the person to reply? Sometimes in response, I will type "did you really?" and the lol-er very rarely understands what I am talking about, which just goes to show that, when writing chat speak, people very rarely pay attention to what they just typed it. I asked if you really laughed out loud, dammit! Why did you type it if you didn't actually do it? Why can't you just type the same way you'd speak? Is it really that difficult to continue using an actual language? arg!
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 4:09 p.m. | | permalink
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