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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The sound of his voice. The way he would teasingly call me a dork.
The shape of his mouth. The way his lips would form "I love you" and how easily it would roll off of his tongue.
The touch of his hand. How it made mine feel so small.
Being held in his arms. When I'd look up and ask to be snuggled he would always follow through.
The smell of his skin. Those times when he wasn't a stinky boy, that scent was one I wanted to cling to.
The weight of his body. How we'd joke that if he turned sideways he'd slip through the floorboards.
The feel of his sex. How I felt I could never get enough.
The look in his eyes. When I'd catch his glancing at me when he thought I wasn't aware.
The thoughts in his mind. He didn't always share, but when he did it was beautiful.
His sense of humour. He'd go along with me on almost anything, no matter how absurd.
The things we had in common. Nature documentaries, fantasy RPG video games, fantasy novels.
His fondness for animals. There is nothing more endearing than a guy who loves his pet.
The way he looked. He knew he was pretty and damn can he clean up well.
His appreciation for his parents. Knowing that he loved his parents and made it a point to be near them was wonderful.
The generosity of his being. Cows, Pfeffer, and chocolate when I was cramping.
The surety of his love. I never doubted it, not for a moment.
His phonecalls. Just to say hi and to remind me that I was loved.
One year and five months I would do all over again.

His lack of emotion. It was like I couldn't make him feel anything.
His prejudices. We disagreed on so much that was going on in society.
His love for football and sometimes wrestling. Who wants to watch sweaty men in spandex jumping on each other?
The casual way he'd brush me off. There was more than one occasion I was cancelled on because he was going to the bar.
The way he'd speak. Sometimes I think that even a sailor would have been shocked.
The way I'd feel ignored. Is it really so hard to include me in conversations with other people?
The way I'd never be first. His mother, Scooter, Becki, Kyle, everyone else... then me.
His ignorance that women should be equal to men. "Running won't make you pretty" among other things.
His choice of video game consoles. No way is Xbox superior to PS.
Sleeping next to him. Unconscious physical and verbal abuse, cover stealing, pillow stealing, his snoring, his flat pillows.
His fascination with the back end. I kept my last virginity!
The way I felt like a kid. I felt so young and immature.
How he made me feel when he broke up with me. Heartbreak.
What his mother wrote in an e-mail to me. How she thinks I'm too good for her son
How this song just about sums it all up...

Who Knew - P!nk

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever and ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew...

*stupid link of the day* Carter Brothers' Argument: this is a clip from the so-called reality tv show "House of Carters" starring Nick, Aaron, BJ, Angel and whoever else is in the household. This clip shows a perfect example of brotherly love.
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