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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I'll never see him again. That realization hit hard. Joey came over for "the talk" this afternoon. My intentions were for me to get some insight into what happened and perhaps some closure. That did not occur.

He came over that day, unexpected, sat down on my bed and wouldn't look at me. Of course I knew something was wrong. I asked if he was alright. "No." Are you angry? Are you upset? Is someone hurt? Did someone die? Did you cheat on me? There was only one idea remaining. He said "it just isn't going to work out" and left it at that. It was up to me to ask why, how, when. In the moment, the way he said some things were cruel. It seemed like it was my fault we never talked intimately, my fault we didn't go out that often, my fault I was a feminist. Hearing that hurt a lot. I am not proud of the fact that I drank a very large portion of a bottle of vodka by myself on an empty stomach the next day. It was like salt on the wound knowing that one of the reasons he didn't want to be with me was because of something I held in high regard for myself: being a feminist and not being afraid to use that F-word.

One week, 6 days, one awkward visit and a few short phone calls later, he and I were finally able to schedule a time to talk about what happened. Minor things were resolved but nothing that would make my confusion any less. His mother thinks he is an asshole for breaking it off the way he did. I take some small consolation in that fact. There was no real reason for the sudden break-up save that I suppose he just woke up one morning, decided he wanted children, and figured I wasn't the one to have those with. It wasn't soley my fault for no intimate discussions since neither he nor I were ever really one to have "relationship talks". It wasn't only my fault that we didn't go out and do something all the time. He was sometimes tired, sometimes the weather sucked, sometimes you just want to hang around and do nothing. Me being a feminist wasn't what wouldn't work out in the long run. According to him it was more of a "personality clash". I figured that was something you'd realize during the first few months of a relationship.

I have as much closure as I'm ever going to get. It's not much but it will have to do. I told him some things I probably should have kept to myself (like the mass vodka consumption) in a vain attempt to force some guilt-ridden emotion out of him. At least he looked me in the eye a few times. I told him how often I had cursed his name, how I had decided the only explanation was that he had become a pod person, that I imagined myself cat-napping Scooter, and that I hoped he'd have malfunctioning children and a feminazi wife, among other things. That much I regret. His last memories of me will be of me being a bitter, immature, bitch, even though he did acknowledge that I have the right to be.

This is the toughest break-up I've been through so far because I never saw it coming. And it hit like a tonne of bricks. Maybe he really wasn't good for me in the end. Maybe it never really would have worked out. Maybe I am better off without him. Maybe I do deserve someone who could treat me better. I love(d) him as much as it is possible for me to love someone. He saw me with my walls down that day which is something hardly anyone has seen.

I'm no longer angry. The only emotion I've got left is sadness. I prefer anger; it burns away quickly. Sadness stays with you as you dwell on it. Three serious relationships, three broken hearts. Do I really heal stronger every time or is every bandage just another wall to put up around myself? I don't think I'll be able to have another relationship for a very long time now. I'm sure he'll find someone new in a few months like he always does.

I miss him.

To lighten things up a little because I know I'll reread this entry and I'll be glad I added this bit at the end, Devon plays the game "The Sims 2: Nightlife" and she and I made Sims of both myself and of Joey. To help me feel better, we decided to make Sim-Joey have a change of lifestyle. We made him gay which broke Sim-JeN's little heart. After woohoo-ing with a black police officer named Amin, we decided that Sim-Joey should die of AIDS (yes, I'm cruel). We locked him in the living room and took away the windows and the door. We put in a stereo system so he would be unable to fall asleep. It took him two days to die and Sim-JeN made 150$ by selling his tombstone. Plus, Sim-JeN has a hot new boyfriend that she just moved in with.
So now you can enjoy this nice little video clip of Sim-Joey and Amin woohoo-ing for the first time. You can hear me laughing in the background and Devon talking.
Sims Joey and Amin Woohoo-ing

"There's no sin in loving men; only pain." -- Ally McBeal


Insensitive - Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
After a summer's kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
The casual goodbyes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have
Some advice to give on how to be

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be

*stupid link of the day* E-Closure: documenting break-ups anonymously online. And a darn good way for me to feel better about what happened to me.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 4:33 a.m. | | permalink
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