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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, May 08, 2006

One of my friends very recently was dumped by her boyfriend of almost six months. She didn't see it coming and is rather upset. I spent some time with her yesterday and she hadn't slept in two days nor eaten as well as her computer suddenly going on the fritz. She said that her now ex-boyfriend told her that he was having problems with his home life and that's why he broke up with her. Why couldn't he have let her know he was having problems? Why couldn't he have talked to her? My friend is upset because she feels like even though she and that guy were dating for a while he couldn't even find it in himself to confide in her. Instead, once problems start rearing up, he breaks up with a source of support.

How many people hide things from their significant others? I don't think that anyone could ever let another person know who they are completely unless under constant observation by cameras. We all have things we do in private that we don't want others to know about, be it masturbate, pick our noses, or examine our skin pores. There will always be a few things we hide from those we love. When we choose to hide bigger issues we affect our relationships. If Chris had confided in Sam about his problems, could she have helped him through them? Would he have let her support him and be a shoulder to cry on? Would they still be in a relationship?

Joey and I don't really have intimate discussions about the problems in our personal lives. We're willing to listen to each other when the other person has had a bad day and wants to complain about it but we don't discuss things like where our relationship is heading or if one of us is causing problems with the other. If that means that he and I are headed towards the end then so be it. The long-distance thing makes it harder to spend a lot of time discussing serious topics when we'd much rather just have fun during the small amounts of time we do spend together.

Yesterday, Sam told me that she wished she was as realistic about relationships as I am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a cynic. Sometimes I wish I could give in to a bit of hopeless romantic and just let go of the future and be able to focus on the present. Maybe I would like a fleeting moment of being able to conceive of the "together forever" rarity. I can't do that. Instead I think about the fact that I am involved in a romantic relationship with someone else and I expect it to end any day now. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't put any more effort into the relationship just because I "know" it is in fact going to end eventually. If you had asked me a year ago whether Joey and I would still be dating by now, my answer would have been a definite no. I didn't expect us to last more than a few months and he and I have made the relationship last for a year. Honestly, I don't know how.

I don't know how to sustain a relationship. I don't know how to make it so someone wants to continue being involved with me. It takes much more than simply being one's oh-so delightful self. How much longer my current romantic relationship will last, I cannot say. I feel as though I should put more effort into it because I do enjoy having someone to snuggle (as rare as distance makes that now) but, at the same time, I can't shake the feeling of having the relationship end and not seeing the point of making the effort to sustain it. Yeah, I'm complicated.

*stupid link of the day* Digital Pet Funeral Parlour: if you've ever had a digital pet and didn't know what to do when it died, this is the site for you. I had a Tamagotchi thing and, years later, making a mini-funeral for it is pretty amusing.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 12:13 a.m. | | permalink
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