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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Friday, January 13, 2006

I can't stand it when people smoke. I think it's among one of the dumbest choices you can make in your lifetime. I know that a lot of people start when they are younger because of peer pressure or wanting to look "cool" but I still can't understand why they continue. Yeah, yeah... addiction. Addictions can be beaten. The fact that these people who smoke are readily aware of the fact that they are kiling themselves slowly with every puff revolts me. If you want to commit suicide so badly then why not do it quickly instead of murdering yourself slowly over years and years?

My mom is one of those people who really get to me. She smoked for years, even while she was pregnant with me. I remember her quitting when I was in late elementary school and she stayed cigarette-sober for five to six years when, all of a sudden, she started up again. After another couple of years she quit once more, only to start again later on. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2004 and she had to quit smoking while going through chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She finished her treatments in August 2005 and still remained sober. When I went home over winter break this year, my mom was in the backyard with the puppies and I opened the back door to ask her a question only to see her with a cigarette in her hand. I was appalled! How can you be so glad to have recovered so recently from one form of cancer only to dive headfirst into the possiblilty of cancer all over again? It makes no sense to me.

I've never smoked, never even lifted one to my lips for a trial puff. The closest I've ever come was holding a smoke temporarily for someone when they needed to do something where they couldn't hold onto it. I've never even felt an urge to try it. The only feeling I get is this deep feeling of disgust in my stomach. I have friends who smoke. They know how much I don't like it and they always ask if I would mind if they had one. I usually lie and say that I don't mind. Instead I spend the whole time feeling ill and angry that they could do something like that to themselves. I am aware that I do have the option of saying that yes I do mind but I tend to make up for allowing the person to feed their addiction by making a snarky comment about how unhealthy cigarettes are for you. "If you get diagnosed with cancer I'm only going to show up at the hospital and say 'I told you so'."

Two of the reasons this topic has been nagging at the back of my mind are my mom and Joey. I can't even find any words to say to my mom after she comes back into the house reeking like smoke. As for Joey, he knows how much I hate it and so he doesn't smoke around me ever, which I am grateful for. The smell, the taste, everything stays on you after you smoke. He seems to think I never notice but I always do, even if I don't say anything. I can even smell it on my clothes, on my skin, in my bed after he's gone. I wish I would be imagining it but there's no mistaking that lingering, staining stink. That sickly sweet smell comes out of your skin pores, especially when you sweat. It's always easier to tell who smokes during the summertime when you can smell it on their skin.

I just get... angry... when I think about Joey smoking. I have no right to ask him to stop. I have no right to tell him what to do with any part of his life. He told me that he used to feel guilty doing it because he knew I hated it but he doesn't feel that way anymore. Every single time I smell it, every single time I taste it in his mouth (brushing your teeth and/or chewing gum don't work, I can always smell it) I think about leaving. Every single time that odour reaches my nose I think about telling him it's over. Why don't I do it? Is it because I love him too much? Is it because that I think dumping someone because you don't like one of their habits is a petty reason? Is it because a part of me is still hoping he'll quit?

I have no right to judge how someone else lives their life. I know that I am nowhere near a model citizen myself. I do not mean to preach to the choir or get up on my soapbox and tell people what to do with themselves. All I know are my own personal likes and dislikes. My choices are my own and yours are yours. It's up to me whether or not I want to deal with your choices. If I don't, I always have the option of walking away. Cigarettes and illegal drug usage are things I will never understand the need for. I've never been addicted to any substance and I guess I should be glad for that. I sometimes wish I could understand. I sometimes wish I could tolerate. It just makes me so angry and heartbroken I could cry.

A song by the Dresden Dolls about another kind of bad habit. One that I will admit to indulging in on more than one occasion.
Dresden Dolls - Bad Habit | [lyrics]

I've been tagged by Temptation, but I'm not tagging anyone else.
Here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says 'You are tagged!' (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. The following may not be weird to you but they are to somebody.
  1. I can't stand for my skin to touch fleece while I sleep, especially my feet. I love fleece blankets since they keep me so nice and warm in the wintertime but I always have to sleep with another sheet between the fleece and I. I don't really like touching fleece in general but touching it while I am trying to get to sleep will bother me to no end.
  2. I worry at my hangnails. I will rub them against another finger until they fall out. Since my fingernails grow pretty quickly, this can happen more often than you'd think.
  3. I need to be chewing something while I write a test. If I don't have gum or candy or something chewable in my mouth I will end up biting my tongue, lips or fingernails instead which is rather painful.
  4. I can be repulsed very easily, especially when it is me talking about something gross. I was once explaining to someone about the "puke princesses" in some Japanese "porn" and I could only get out a few sentences before starting to gag.
  5. I put the caps back on markers when I am not immediately using them, and it also irritates me to not have a cap on a pen (even if it's on the opposite end from where the ink comes out). The cap habit I got from my dad since my mom told me that when I was little my dad made sure I always put the caps right back on my markers/pens when I wasn't using them.
  6. One more random thing: I tear up whenever I see roadkill. It just makes me so sad to know that someone hit a poor innocent animal and just left it to die on the side of the road.

a small picture mosaic to sum up my 2005

*stupid link of the day* With This Herring I Thee Wed: a British woman marries a dolphin in a non-legally binding ceremony. Whatever happened to flowers & chocolates being gifts of affection?
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 4:44 p.m. | | permalink
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