please do not direct link at all or steal from this weblog without crediting me. thanks!
*contains some 18+ content*

Open links in new window

feeling: JeN's mood @
[[amazon wishlist]]
[[home]] [[profile]]

icon from NeoHacks
[[home*runner]] [[a-jolie]]
[[the ladder theory]] [[liac]]
[[engrish]] [[emogame]]
[[scaryduck]] [[kitta]]
[[queer as folk]] [[care2]]
[[amazing angelina]]
[[go fug yourself]] [[smart]]
[[the superficial]] [[ontd]]
[[perez hilton]] [[cute overload]]

[[the l word]] [[miami ink]]
[[antm]] [[what not to wear]]
[[animal planet]] [[scrubs]]

[[sara douglass]]
[[mercedes lackey]]
[[stephen king]] [[jk rowling]]
[[anne bishop]]
[[douglas adams]]
[[barb & jc hendee]]
[[david & leigh eddings]]
[[george rr martin]]
[[jacqueline carey]]

[[something positive]]
[[queen of wands]] [[bunny]]
[[least i could do]] [[girly]]
[[two lumps]] [[hello cthulhu]]
[[savvie & lacey]] [[vg cats]]

Animal Support
[[ontario spca]] [[eviron can]]
[[cfhs]] [[animal rights]]
[[animal alliance]] [[cetfa]]
[[zoocheck]] [[fota]] [[adlc]]

Rabbit Stuff
[[hrs]] [[rabbits refs]] [[herbs]]
[[ont rabbits]] [[pine shavings]]
[[bun owners]] [[house rabbits]]
[[bklyn bunny]] [[rabbit care]]
[[hopper home]] [[language]]
[[disapproving rabbits]]
[[buzzbase]] [[bunny lovers]]
[[rabbit rescue]] [[bun yawns]]

Breast Cancer Support
[[bcsc]] [[cbcf]] [[cancercare]]
[[obciep]] [[willow]] [[ccs]]
[[cbcra]] [[pink ribbon store]]

[[copyscape]] [[dynamic drive]]
[[bravenet]] [[msg plus]]
[[haloscan]] [[]]
[[blogskins]] [[smilies]]
[[putfile]] [[photobucket]]
[[visual paradox]] [[youtube]]

Listed On
Listed on BlogsCanada
[[adult blogster]] [[erogs]]
[[within reality]] [[iron gate]]

Powered By Blogger TM
Get Firefox!
Save Wilderness for FREE -

The WeatherPixie

eXTReMe Tracker

my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

The cynic speaks for her when she is alone. The cynic points out every single one of his faults and amplifies them inside the girl's mind. The cynic makes sure that the girl is aware of all of her own faults and how he will not stick around when he learns of them. Perhaps he has learned of them already and is preparing in his own mind right now how to leave her. As a female, the girl has spent hours and hours of her life pouring over her flaws, picking them apart, blowing them up out of proportion. She knows exactly what is wrong with her physically and how she would rather appear.

The cynic makes a note of whenever he points out an attractive female that isn't the girl and makes a mental comparison. "She's thinner." "She has bigger breasts." "She's taller." "She has better skin." On and on the cynic drones until the girl can do nothing but bite her lip and hope that the cynic will stop talking sometime soon. The girl pretends that the other females he notices don't matter to her but she still can't help comparing herself to them. She has yet to be convinced that he loves her exactly as she appears. How can he love her if she can't even love herself?

Sometimes he mentions things that he has done with other girls, things the girl has yet to do. The cynic makes her feel incompetant. If those other girls gave those things to him, if the girl doesn't then he might look elsewhere. He says they don't matter but if they didn't matter then why did he tell her about them? The cynic tells her that the girl isn't good enough for him. Maybe he is only with her right now for sex? The girl was never the type of person to want to keep tabs on him all the time. Who knows what boys get up to on their own?

The girl tries to fight the cynic. If he didn't love her then why would he spend time with her and do nice things for her just because? The cynic reminds the girl that she's been just a fuck before and could be again. He does more nice things for the girl than she does for him. He may get sick of that and take off. Her track record has never ended in happiness, only heartbreak. The cynic thrives on memories of that feeling, growing steadily with the pain. Bitterness is the dress worn by the cynic and despair makes up her flesh. Unknowingly, the girl feeds the cynic daily by letting her have free reign of the girl's mind.

The mirror is the girl's nemesis and the cynic's greatest glory. In the mirror, the cynic can bring flaws to the girl's awareness. Mirrored naked in his eyes and the cynic causes the girl to blush in embarrassment and disrupts her enjoyment of him. Perhaps he is just pretending to enjoy her body? The girl has seen pictures of the kinds of girls he lusts after in his mind and they look nothing like her. She feels inadequate. She knows that everything the cynic makes her feel is silly. She knows that he loves her and she knows that she is nowhere near unattractive. The cynic is the foremost voice in her mind and is the only voice heard when the girl is alone.

There is only one place the cynic is quiet: when the girl is in the safety of his arms. In that place the rest of the world is shut out and the girl can focus on her feelings of love for him. She ignores the cynic begging to be let in, she ignores the problems she is facing in her life, she ignores things that she has to get done tomorrow. In his arms she finds her peace.

*stupid link of the day* Delerium's Realm: have you ever wanted to learn all you can about demons? If so, this is the site for you!
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 11:16 p.m. | | permalink
generated by

thanks to
may * designs
for the template!
*modified by JeN*
Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons License.

My Addictions
[[Blogroll Me!]]
[[Who Links Here?]]

©1995 Used by permission.
[[EhBC]] [[castle realm]]
[[kc's playground]]
[[submissive women speak]]
[[feminist submissive]]
[[why bdsm?]] [[section 12]]
[[understanding submission]]
[[the control book]]
[[kindlings]] [[Dom's view]]

Writings by remittance girl
[[the waiting room]]
[[the mistress of dakao]]
[[beautiful losers]]
[[Kayla]] [[Ryan]] [[Jasmine]]
[[Andrea]] [[Linz]] [[Rob]]
[[Katie]] [[Lauren]] [[Jay]]
[[Leya]] [[Kat]] [[Liane]]

My blog is worth $24,839.76.
How much is your blog worth?