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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, July 11, 2005

Happiness is sometimes the most difficult emotion to allow yourself. I want to be happy. I am happy. He makes me very happy. I still think of you and all the good times we had together and what I did to you. I know it wasn't my fault because I can't help what I feel. I still feel so guilty about everything. I want to talk to you so badly but you did say you couldn't handle that. Today, I saw you come online on msn and, as glad as I was to see you hadn't blocked me (though you may have by now), I started to cry because I miss you. I wanted so much to talk to you. I thought that I would say hi. You went away right then. I'm sorry if me saying hi hurt you, but you going away suddenly hurt me too.

Being with him is so easy to do. It feels great and we have a lot of fun together. Why do you still flash through my mind even when I'm with him? Sometimes, when he holds me, I think of the way you would hold me and I try hard not to cry tears for you while I'm with him. I hide my face from him and keep it pressed into his chest so he won't see if my eyes brim with tears.

I wish I could be a puppet and someone else would control me so that I could do their bidding and not have to think on my own for a little while. Just a little while. Emotions are so hard to handle. I feel like I want to burst because of everything I've been holding in.

I should be completely happy. I deserve to be completely happy, don't I? Perhaps I can't let myself because I don't feel that I do deserve it. I still feel like scum for what I did to you and I don't know how to fix it. I just want everything to be okay. I just want to close my eyes and become lost in the peace of darkness. I want to be completely happy. He makes me very happy. I still cry for you. Every tear that falls is full of my love and of my pain. I should be happy now. I should be. It's too difficult to do.

*stupid link of the day* Fantastic Four movie spoiler: the movie got some horrible reviews and, since I don't really care if I see it or not, I read the spoiler. Doesn't sound like the best movie. I wonder if I'll bother seeing it in the theatre since the trailer makes it look so good (but aren't they supposed to?).
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 6:50 p.m. | | permalink
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