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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Losing to gain. Gaining to lose. Man, everything stinks lately. I'll never hear her voice again, never feel her soft skin, never kiss her lips again, never wake up next to her, never laugh with her, never call her up just to talk, never hold her hand, never hug her again... Will he be worth it? I am afraid. More afraid than I have been in a long time. How can one ever be emotionally ready to handle this?

Am I making the right decision? Will I be happy in the future or will this choice be a burden on my conscience for all time? Why must I be the type of person who dwells on their problems? I wish I could just put things behind me and leave them there.

Your beauty astounds me and I am shocked to hear you say that you don't see it too. You are amazing and, though you may never read this, I love you and will always love you. No matter what you may think, you will always have a special place in my heart. You are a truly beautiful person and you make me so happy. I will miss you so much and I hope that, one day, you will be able to talk to me again. I will be waiting for that day with a smile on my face. You are wonderful. This is not a goodbye, but fare thee well until we meet again.

I seek happiness. I'm not sure where my search will lead me but I hope it leads to the right place. Sometimes I think I've found it but then a moment's indecision or blow to the esteem brings me down again. Does love really solve all your problems? No. Love is not all you need. First of all, I need me. I need me complete and whole and unbroken. How do I get there? I don't know. But I'll get there. I hope.

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