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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, May 26, 2005

There is a girl who is torn between the one who was her everything and the one who now holds her heart. Her everything was amazing and so tender and pure. She gave the girl all she wanted and was only too happy spoiled her rotten. The girl fell in love with her and wanted to be with her forever. The girl wanted to call out to the skies and express her love to everyone she encountered. The everything didn't feel the same things that the girl felt. The everything's feelings were her own and she didn't know how to express them in the same way the girl did. The everything promised the girl the world and then took that world away without a moment's notice or even a hint at a regret. The girl spent the better part of a year trying to cope with her ongoing feelings for the everything. The girl thought that everything could only now see her as a friend and the girl had to learn to deal with that for she wanted the everything in her life no matter how it would happen. The girl learned to bury all she felt for the everything and keep her feelings for her under wraps so tightly that, one day, the girl's feelings for her never opened up and the girl was calm.

The girl met a boy. It wasn't intentional for the girl wasn't out looking to meet boys. She was more prone to staying at home and avoiding all contact with anyone for she was still broken inside. The boy and the girl started talking. Nothing besides talking and the girl found herself enjoying the conversations with the boy more and more. One day she kissed the boy and she knew that she had feelings for him. They started dating and the girl became happy. All the feelings she had closed away never to use again were now able to peek out of their hiding places. The girl and the boy grew closer and the girl kept smiling.

One day the everything told the girl she still loved her. The girl was crushed. She had just spent months trying to put aside all feelings for the everything since she was convinced that the everything was never coming back. The everything said all that was said in the past was a lie and that she wanted to be with the girl forever. The girl's world was turned upside-down. Here she was finally able to move on with her life and possibly have a chance at being happy and then in strolls the everything with promises of all she had ever wanted between the two of them.

The everything said she wouldn't give up on the girl and that he girl was the one who made her the happiest. The boy said he wouldn't give up on the girl and that the girl was the one who made him the happiest. With new feelings for the boys and feelings she'd been struggling to hide so long for the everything, the girl is torn between the two of them. No matter what she does, someone will end up getting hurt.

The everything wants the girl to think of the past and what they had together but insists that it will be so much more than it used to be. The girl is constantly worried that the everything would just turn and take the world away again. If the girl doesn't pick the everything, she will go away and the girl will lose all they ever had together, including a friendship. And she needs the everything who has given her something she's never had before. Someone to lean on unconditionally.

The boy wants the girl to think of the future and what they could have together. Tinme with him has been amazing so far and the girl could very well be looking forward to much more. He has never done anything to make her doubt his words. He has been nothing but honest with her, something he has never done with someone before.

The girl hates herself for putting these 2 through so much torture just because she herself cannot decide. She will have to make a decision soon, but how? How can one decide one's own fate in this way? The girl is overcome with self-loathing for not being able to choose and she is overcome with depression since the weight of 2 peoples' emotional well-being rests on her shoulders. She drowns in a sea of despair and the only solution she can even fathom right now is to leave both of them behind her and to avoid everyone. What can she do? How can her heart betray her so by giving her such love for them both? She is betrayed by her heart, head and stomach. She is willingly torturing 3 people and there is nothing she knows to do about it. She drowns. Self-pity will do her no good here. She hates herself for being selfish and cruel. She hates herself for having feelings.

To the one who was her everything? or to the one who has her heart? The idea of choosing only one of them is breaking her. Their idea of her not choosing them is breaking them. She doesn't want to lose either but she also doesn't want either to be caused pain by her hand. When it rains, it pours.

*stupid link of the day* Mahnamahna: a short skit from Sesame Street that the slut found for me since he had it stuck in his head all weekend. And now the damn thing is stuck in my head...
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 2:46 p.m. | | permalink
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