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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Random post about life and who I am coming up! Finals are here unfortunately. Life's been a bit busy because of that. I've written 2 so far and I've still got more to go. The next one is on the 11th. I am dreading that day. My roommate just told me that her boyfriend's best friend and his girlfriend broke up. Oh well. Can't say I'll miss having them around.

Seems like quite a few people I know are having problems in the dating field. There's James & Daneva mentioned above; Britts got cheated on; my friend Alana, who's in a couple of my classes, got dumped by her boyfriend of 2 years (and he still calls her every day to say he loves and misses her but doesn't want to be committed to a relationship); Lauren & "Dumbfuck"; Andrea when "Panning" made her cry. Is there something in the air? Is it just that time of year?

Tomorrow night, I am going to go hang out with Liane. Haven't seen her in a while (damn music students and their having no social life!). Of course, I don't have much of a social life either so getting a chance to see Liane should be good times. We're going to go out to dinner at a vegetarian restaurant she's never been to and then we're gonna go back to her place and watch more Ranma 1/2 (the best animé ever!) until her roommate Danielle comes home. Then we'll make chocolate fondue. Yummy!

Thursday night I am supposed to go to a faculty dinner thing with Amanda. I'm hoping to see BJ (head of the department of my major) get sloshed. Supposedly she did drink too much one year and I would love to see that happen again! Afterwards, Amanda and I are gonna grab some stuff to make banana splits and her, Kate and I are going to have porn night! It should be... interesting. We'll probably be more immersed in the ice cream and giggling over the phallic shape of the bananas. Porn night has to be moved cuz Kate's got too much work to do. It will be soon though!

A few of my friends who are in drama programs at school are getting ready to do their big auditions for future projects this summer. One of them is for Prague. Ooh ahh! Supposedly, they have to "bring who you are" to the audition. It got me to thinking about who I am. Who am I? In class, I was taught that it is easier to start figuring out what something is by first focussing on what it is not.

I am not a mother. I am not a parent. I am not an idol. I am not patient. I am not a rock. I am not a nobody. I am not flawless. I am not heartless. I am not 100% healthy. I am not sure. I am not planned out. I am not a puppet. I am not a doll. I am not an idiot. I am not a genius. I am not a saint. I am not a sinner. I am not a leader. I am not a follower. I am not black. I am not white. I am not rough. I am not smooth. I am not pure. I am not diseased. I am not sweet. I am not sour. I am not beautiful. I am not ugly. I am not blonde-haired and blue-eyed. I am not fat. I am not thin. I am not careful. I am not a clone. I am not a shadow.
I am not perfect. I am me.

Some days I may feel that I am some of those things. Some days I may feel I am others.

I am a friend. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a shoulder to cry on. I am a hand to hold. I am a nail to paint. I am a tongue that sharpens. I am a tooth that bites. I am salt from tears. I am sobs to let shudder. I am laughter to be heard. I am hair to be brushed. I am a smile to be shared. I am a somebody. I am a love to be spread. I am a rainbow of colours. I am tart. I am flawed. I am a flush of embarrassment. I am arms to hold. I am a stomach to fill. I am a mind that thinks. I am a voice to speak. I am a personality. I am a presence.
I am not perfect. I am me.

Who are you?

Goodbye to Diagrammed Boy. I did so enjoy reading you. If I ever do the lesbian thing, I'll be sure to drop you a line.

*stupid link of the day* Objective: Christian Ministries ... okay, this website is just too good not to have as my stupid link. I apologize to anyone who considers themselves Christian who is offended by my qualifying this link as "stupid" but I'm sure even you have to admit that the site is a tad extreme. I love the Kids' Section. I made the Paper Jesus. Next I'm going to make Mr. Gruff! Thanks to Adam for the link!
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