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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Boys are sluts. Last Friday, I went out with some people (Amanda, Kate, Joel, Kyle and Joey) to meet with Heidi and some of her friends at a club for Heidi's 23rd birthday party. The club was amazing! I'm not a fan of rap/reggae music and I am not a fan of strange boys wanting to grind with me. If they do make an attempt, I usually scream that I have herpes and giggle as they back away in a panic. The club we went to played several different types of music and all of them were very fun to dance to. As most university students do, we predrank before the club and then proceeded to buy some drinks there and, within an hour, all us girls were pretty darn drunk.

Amanda had told me that the only reason Joey was coming dancing with us is so Joel wouldn't be the only guy there. At one point, Amanda and Joey were outside having a smoke and he told her he had had feelings for her for three years and he kissed her. Now, Amanda's been with Joel for four years now and they're a very solid couple so, needless to say, Amanda had some problems with Joey kissing her. But, she passed it off as a bit of a drunk moment and we stayed at the club till last call (2am).

When we got back to Amanda & Kate's place, Amanda and Joel had had a fight so Kate, Joel and I were just talking in the living room. Eventually Kate retired and Amanda ended up in her own room so it was just Joey, me and Joel who stayed up talking and watching random shows on satellite. Joel eventually headed to bed as well and it was just me and Joey who were left still awake.

So, Joey and I were sitting on the couch talking and I had grabbed a pen and was drawing phallic shapes all over his leg (I was clearly not sober) and eventually he sat a little closer and he was holding my hands and playing with my hair and stroking my face. It was kind of nice but also kind of awkward since this was only the second time I had met him and here he is cuddling with me on the couch, his hands grazing the insides of my thighs and resting on my chest. I knew he wanted me to kiss him but I'm not going to go make out with some guy I don't know. By 6am he went to sleep and I went home, still rather intoxicated.

I saw Amanda on Monday for a workshop we were attending together and we gossiped about what happened with Joey. Turns out he had kissed her again when we had all gotten back to her house and I explained to her how he was hitting on me after everyone had gone to bed. She told me the only reason he came dancing with us was because I was going to be there. We concluded that boys are sluts (well, Joey is anyway). I mean, he tells Amanda he's in love with her and kisses her then, in the same night, tries to kiss another girl (me) that he has a crush on. If he was female, he would have been called a slut so we're ignoring gender differences and double standards and we're calling him a slut anyway.

Last night (Tuesday night), Joey had come over to Amanda's/Kate's and after Amanda had gone to bed, Joey slipped a note under her door. It pretty much said that he had been messed up for the past few days because he was thinking about her and that he understood what she had with Joel and that he still wanted to be friends. The idea of the note was sweet but the way it was worded was like a cheesy romance novel. We had a bit of a giggle over it.

Amanda is ditching out on her own graduation party partly because it's easier for her to move on Thursday and partly because she doesn't want to see Joey (but I'll see her on the 30th anyway). I'll be going to the party anyway and I'll end up seeing Joey there so I'll get to call him a slut to his face. Amanda already did and he didn't agree with her point of view. Hopefully he'll be drunk enough that I can dye his goatee hot pink. Oddly enough, that was the very first thought I had when I first met him. I do wonder if he'll try to kiss me though. I am a pretty big flirt... Okay, okay, HUGE.

So there, Digger! I am not only a tease in pictures, I can be a tease in real life too. The question is: how much of a chance will I get to be a tease? Or: how much of a tease should I be? Good lord it's late. I should go to bed.

[update] So it's Friday as I write this, after staying awake all night talking with the slut, I ended up dying his goatee magenta and then kissing him. Hoo boy...
magenta goatee

*stupid link of the day* the Dot Game: this is a repetitive, though addictive, game. Damn that dot!
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