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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I guess I have leftover teen angst. I still feel like no one understands me. There have been so many times I've made a point, stated my opinion and, because it differs from the opinion(s) of the majority around me, I am mocked or made fun of or made out to be the person who is wrong and bad. Yesterday was an example of such. It has happened so often to me that I no longer feel the desire to ever back up my opinion. It just gets thrown back in my face. Yesterday, I was accused of being something I am not, accused of hating things I do not and generally made fun of for thinking something other than what the majority thinks.

The first few times it happened to me, I was rather hurt. I would always think that maybe it was me and maybe, when I made my point, I wasn't clear on something. I've thought it was my fault on many occasions and I've tried to change the way I explain things over and over again. It doesn't work. Yes, some of my opinions may be way in the outfield when you compare them to the majority of the population, but does that really give people a reason to criticize me? A lot of the time, when I would try to explain why I thought x, people would only listen to half of what I say, or (more commonly) they just shut me down without even trying to figure out why/how I have this opinion. I feel that no one is willing to see my side of the story.

Now, I don't really give that many opinions on things that are more important than "what movie did you want to watch tonight?" I will start to explain something and, if the other person jumps in right away that I am wrong, I just shut down and stop explaining. It happened yesterday, it happened a few days ago and it will keep on happening no matter what I do. I feel like there is no point in me trying anymore.

Yes, it is an awful thing when someone dies, especially if it is unexpected. I will readily admit that, when I hear about some strangers dying or some random girl being kidnapped and killed, that I don't care. I will never care. Yes, they died. Too bad, so sad. I didn't know them. They had no connection to my life whatsoever. Hell, they may not even live on the same continent as me so why should I feel that I owe them something, even something as small as putting a certain letter in my name on msn messenger? If you knew them or had some part in their lives then, yes, I will feel sad for you, but not because I knew them, but because I know you. Why am I called cruel when hearing about a baby being abused doesn't bring tears to my eyes, but hearing about sharks being tossed back in the ocean after having their fins cut off for soup will get me so angry I am ready to yell at someone? Why am I called heartless when I admit that I don't really care for children, or humans in general? Why do people feel they need to change my mind about that?

I prefer to explain that, when something bad happens to someone I know, I am not very likely to say "I'm sorry" to that person. In fact, if I have said it to you, it is more likely that I didn't know what else to say and so I said it because "I'm sorry" is what society deems you should say. When my friend's father died a few years ago, I know I never said "I'm sorry" to her. We only talked about it recently, in fact. Over my winter break when I went home for a couple weeks, we mentioned how we couldn't stand it when people said "I'm sorry" to us. It's not that I'm not sorry that the situation happened, it's not that I don't care. In fact, I am the kind of person who will be much more likely to say something like "wow, that sucks" than apologizing.

One of the reasons I hate the "I'm sorry" is that it is one thing to know that you are cared about, it is another to know that you are pitied. I don't want to be pitied. Yes, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in October. Yes, she is undergoing chemotherapy right now (she'll be done in May, then onto four months of radiation). I've only told four people outside of my family (my roommate, my academic advisor, my best friend's dad, and Andrea because her mom had it too... and I'm pretty sure Lauren knows because she came over to my house, but I never actually told her). Yes, that's correct: I haven't even told my best friend. Why? No important reason really. I just don't want people to pity me or my mom. I mean, what's the first thing people would say when I mention that my mom has breast cancer? "I'm sorry." She'll be fine, I'll be fine, let's move on from it.

I was put down quite severely when that little girl Cecilia was kidnapped/murdered/whatever and I freely admitted that I didn't really care. My roommate was rather upset as the family lived right near her, and my friend's grandmother was upset as the girl's family was only a few houses over. That's fine. They knew the family, they can be upset. My friend Steve was upset and I accept that because he's upset for people any time any bad thing happens. He really truly cares about tragedies and I respect that. Some of the people who put me down were people I considered friends or acquaintances. Someone left a very mean comment on this weblog when I posted about my feelings for Cecilia, telling me horrible things like what a terrible person I am and that I would go to hell. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of people (out of all those I talked to about it) who didn't mock me, but supported me, for my differing opinion. Thanks to Adam, Scotty, Rob and Moffat for that. The same thing happened again when I did a post about the anniversary of Matthew Shepherd's death. Someone commented on why should I care about him when I didn't care about Cecilia, even though my post stated that I didn't care about Matthew the person, I cared about the reason he was murdered (for being gay).

I was shut down by people I thought were my friends when I stated that I thought caring was a fad. To me, it seems that most people care about something only right when it's happening, then they forget all about it. Example: hardly anyone appreciates what Remembrance Day actually stands for now. They just stay quiet for the minute of silence, maybe put on a fake poppy, and then get on with their day. Saying that they care about some random person's death just seems to be a way to place themselves higher above others. It lets you feel as though you've done your duty of caring for the day. It's a way of saying "look, I care, I'm better than you". And, the next day, they can't even remember the death they were so worked up about. While I've given in to my share of fads, a fad that involves my heart is not something I will submit to. If I care about something, I will readily admit to it. It won't be because I feel it is my civic duty to say I care. It won't be to make myself feel better. It will be because I genuinely care. Not just today, not just tomorrow, but for a very very long time. I will not be afraid to admit that I do not care.

I've tried to look at the other side of what I say. I've tried to get other people to look at the other side of what I say to maybe explain to me what I am doing wrong. It seems to me that the more people I meet, the more I realize how much I hate them. I thought that coming to university would be an eye-opening experience full of people with all sorts of opinions on all kinds of different topics. I thought wrong. University is just like high school. I've met very few people who I haven't offended (in fact, my friend Amanda, who I only met in September, once told me that one of the reasons she likes me is because I can be offensive). It's been here at university that I've met most of the people who aren't willing to listen to what I have to say. People who are only taking half of the information that comes out of my mouth and making generalizations about me. They say I hate x because this one time I was angry at someone who was doing x ("x" as in unspecified action, not the drug) and therefore I hate x. When in fact, the real thing is I don't like people in situation y who do x constantly. I don't hate x.

This has been frustrating me for years. I think that a lot of people take me with a grain of salt. Lauren and I prefer to think we require to be taken with a full shaker! I guess now I come off as an uninformed doormat who never knows what she's talking about. Fine, let me come off as that then. If I get the impression that you aren't going to listen to what I have to say, then why should I bother arguing what I believe in to you? You can think I'm dumb, I'm petty, I'm childish or whatever you want. I'll just be content in knowing that I have an opinion different from yours. It's too bad that I can't share them.

It happened to me yesterday. I kept getting asked what my point was and, by then I already knew that no matter what I said, I would just be shut down because my opinion differed from the other people around me and that they wouldn't listen to what I wanted to say. It was concluded that I hate all things to do with x and I decided to stop talking. It's not the first time I've been ganged up on. It happened to me a few days ago where I freely told someone that I was no longer going to complain about a certain situation because a certain person hasn't been making any effort to change. When I stated that I wasn't going to complain anymore, I was asked "why" and when I gave a reason, I was told that my reason was stupid followed by a mocking of it and of my opinion.

I give up. I will continue to come off as a doormat. Why should I complain that something bothers me, or that I don't agree with something if all that's going to happen is that I come off as a bad stupid person? It's much easier to back down and let the other person think they're right. Keyword: think.

It happened to me yesterday. It happened to me a few days ago. It will keep happening for the rest of my life. There are very few people who I can spout off my opinions to. They may not always agree with them and they may argue with me for having those opinions, but they will never mock me or say I am horrible for having that opinion. Except Lauren, cuz we seem to have the same opinions about almost everything. Go counterbrains!

I have a very dry, sarcastic sense of humour. I think some disgusting things are funny. I giggle at dead baby jokes. What I find amusing, some people may not quite see it my way. I can also come off as very blunt or as an assertive female who wouldn't mind knocking certain others down a couple notches (dare I say "bitch"?). I try not to cut other people off when they are making a point. I try not to shut them down if I don't agree with something they are saying. One of my friends last year helped me think to look at the other side of every problem I encountered in day to day life. I value that so much.

I do not like to be pitied. I do not like to be mocked. I don't like people to assume things about me. I don't like people in general. As you can tell, this big rant has been stewing in me for a while now, but yesterday really tipped me off. I haven't been able to think of anything else for a while now.

I've officially given up. If I feel I am not able to have an opinion around you without getting made fun of, I will just not give you anymore of my thoughts. End of story. If you feel that this is about you and you feel that I did not state my opinion accurately enough and that is why I got made fun of, fine, you can think that. I did not state any more of my thoughts because I felt that no matter what I said it would not matter. You can think I am a broken record player. I gave up. I saw no point in continuing and I will not give you an opinion now. As far as I am concerned, yesterday is over and so are sharing my views with you.

If you feel that you are one of those who I can share my views with freely, I thank you. You most likely know who you are. For those of you who don't know me in person and you find something I say offensive, please feel free to say so without mocking me and, if I can, I will clarify. There are so many people I feel I can't share with in real life. I don't want it to be like that on this weblog. A lot of the time I think about scrapping this thing and starting up a new weblog so I can leave those I don't want reading this behind. It's hard to write when there's people who know me in real life who read this. Mostly those who I never gave the link to. I don't know what they say about me now. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.
I care a lot.

P.S. I feel that I should add something about the msn status indicator on the left sidebar. Just to let you know, if you click on it, it should connect you to me automatically (assuming we are both on msn). It shouldn't take more than a few moments depending on how busy the server is. You don't have to add me to your contact list to message me using it.

*stupid link of the day* Hardcore Puppets: Do you like puppets? Do you like sex? Do you like puppets having sex?
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 7:20 PM | | permalink
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