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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, February 07, 2005

I have no sex drive when I'm not with someone. I find that weird. Most people have a fairly even drive whether they have a partner or are solo. Not I. If there's someone else in my life, I could quite easily never leave the bedroom (unless I get the urge to do it outside the bedroom, which is a very good option). I dunno. There's no one around for me now so I'm feeling rather asexual at the moment.

When it comes to boys I'm not involved with, I could quite easily smack them around and make them do my bidding. It would mean nothing to me. I just like to be spoiled! Then again, doesn't everyone? I could very easily force them to do things. I could hurt them, bruise them, scar them, make them scream. I'm sure I could even take some form of enjoyment from it. That could also be due to the fact that I am an angry, bitter female. I am bitter against most men, I'll readily admit that. So much pain has been caused and for not so good reasons. Reading about many of the relationships in my lovely blogroll has made me smile, as there are some good couples out there. I'm still bitter though. I think part of it stems from me being a radical feminist. One of the best classes I ever took in highschool, "Relating Men & Women in Society", was a feminist course taught by a man (Dr. Porter, one of the best teachers I have ever had to date). I learned so very much in that class. He taught it so well. He opened up my eyes to so many different aspects of the world. I will never regret taking that class.

I could cause men so much pain and I could probably keep a cold stare and an icy heart while doing so. I could easily not care what I do to them. Of course, picturing it in my head, I'd get to wear the delightful thigh high boots and a corset. In pleather, obviously. Not too much a fan of wearing someone else's skin. *shudder* I wouldn't be able to get any enjoyment out of it besides the sick sadistic pleasure of a man being in pain.

The other thing is, when I am with someone, I want nothing more than to be on my knees in front of them. I want to be able to close my eyes and feel nothing but their hand stroking my hair. I want to be able to hear nothing but his voice telling me what a good girl I am. I want to feel safe and taken care of. If I do something wrong, I want to be corrected and then immediately forgiven. I want to have the comfort of having someone there for me should I need them. I want to be there for someone and be all that I can be for them. I want to do things for him just because we both want to do those things. I want to be able to say "we". I will never need him. I've made it a point in my life to never actually need a significant other. That way, when I am without one, I'll still be able to be independent. I will not live my days using others as a crutch to support me. It is easier said than done but, I'll be able to do it, slowly but surely.

If the him is not my him, I have no qualms about crushing him into grains of sand for me to blow off my palm. If the him is my him, I have no qualms about letting him do what he wants to me and letting me love it. I depend heavily on emotion to sift through boys. If I have no feelings for them, I could care less what happens to them. I would be fine with taking some of my simmering anger out on them. If I do have feelings for them, especially the One that I give my heart away to, I would be fine with them taking things out on me (short of harm).

I want to belong to him. First, I need to find a him. If my knees are to be permanently bruised and dirt-stained from me staying on them, then so be it. Physically, I may be down before him, but at that point metaphorically, I will be standing tall. I suppose having no sex drive also makes having no him more tolerable. I won't spend my days fantasizing with my hands down my pants. As nice as that seems, sometimes I'm glad.

I do want my hair pulled and my face slapped and my body used. However, I only want that after I have given part of myself to someone first. I couldn't just give that trust away to anyone. I see my body as mine. Right now, it belongs to no one. I will never get naked online because not everyone has the right to see all of me. I choose what to show and what to hide. I will not fuck just anybody (and that goes for cyber as well) because I'm a relationship kinda gal and I like to keep some things private. I don't have anyone to belong to just now so I live by my rules.

I could sink to my knees right now with longing for him. The him from my dreams who hasn't quite appeared in my reality just yet. Why is it that my mind longs for him while my body has no more response than a rock? No sex drive is the case for now. Just wait till I find someone. Bunnies ain't got nothin' on me!

P.S. I added a guestmap over there on the right sidebar. I just was curious to know where everyone is from. Some of you I know, others who just stop by, clicky clicky... I'm curious! I know I've got a tracker, but that's not as much fun because I don't know *who* is from *where*! Humour me, okay? Thanks! ^_^

*stupid link of the day* Animal Dildos: ever wanted to have sex with an animal without actually doing it? Or maybe a certain someone's husband who likes to call himself a "tiger" could fuck his wife with a tiger dildo... *cough cough nudge nudge* Who knows? Maybe she'd end up purring!
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 10:45 p.m. | | permalink
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