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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Friday, January 21, 2005

inspired by May*Star's journal:

(Jan 18th, 5pm)
To speak or not to speak, that is the question...
So as much as I try to say ALL my thoughts and be open, honest, etc..., there's always the: "don't say THAT thought because it gives the other person power" kind of thing...And I never know whether to say my thought or to force myself shut up...

For example, do you admit to an ex-boyfriend that you are thinking about him? By doing that, in a way, you are letting him know that he has a little bit of control over you; you are letting him know that what he does can effect you, that you still remember that he exists... even if it is only just one tiny thought ...Is it better to just not say anything at all? And pretend to be too good to remember that he exists...To act like you are better than the bad ways he treated you?

And then saying something could also be bad because it's a way of letting that person in, making them realize that they have the slightest chance to get back into your life and mess things up again...because if someone thinks that they have a chance, even a tiny one, they will try...

And is not saying something a form of staying "in control" of the situation? Or would letting them know that you are thinking about them be the way to stay in control? Because maybe saying something will cause them to think about you...

And I guess that if we are being manipulative, the best thing to do would be to REALLY not think of the person, but lie to them, and say that you are, causing that person to think about you, and at the same time, not letting their actions or emotions influence you one bit...

But of course, these are just random thoughts; Me ever trying to act on a thought, or a plan, always always always backfires...and as much as my head has fun plotting out ways to be manipulative, I try my best to do the opposite, which of course, isn't any good either, because why go through life getting the opposite of what you want when humans and creatures were designed to be able to come up with ways to get the things they want and need...?? It doesn't seem like anything is the right answer or a good answer at all.... and what happens when you don't even have a clue what you want? Or what if what you want doesn't make any sense at all... Or what if what you want can't exist in our world without hurting someone else?

Is it really that good to be so open and honest? Sure, it unburdens us, but is that unburdening selfish? Is it fair for us to tell all of our problems to someone else? Is it fair to place our lives on their shoulders? Yes, some may demand that and claim they enjoy it, but is it really fair?

Is it fair that many bloggers choose to remain anonymous. They have fears of people finding out who they really are. Why do we feel we must keep our thoughts and our lives so private? Is the world really that bad of a place? Do we really know such awful people as these? Why would it be so bad to lose that anonymity? Why would some feel that losing it would mean losing their ability to write down whatever they want as well? Why is privacy such a big issue with humans? It seems that we only have select others that we choose to disclose to and, some of them we even hide parts of ourselves from. When did humans realize that to live in this world was to wear a mask?

We can't even handle our own lives and yet we unburden ourselves upon select others? I, too, feel the need to sort out the thoughts in my head. Sometimes this weblog acts as a sounding board, sometimes it just acts as a place I can whine too so that I can feel pitied for a while, sometimes I need to yell and it serves as the place to fuel my anger. And yet, I still feel the need to censor some of my thoughts. When I decided to stop writing only about the mundane aspects of my life (as the first couple years of archives can attest to), I decided to try not to censor things. I think that decision lasted about two weeks. I still censor, I still guard, I still have walls up. I don't share everything, even with other anonymous bloggers, almost all of whom I've never met and most of whom I have a very slim chance of ever meeting. Why do I stil care what you may think of me?

Why do people claim to know people they read about online? I know I'm not the only one who has received random e-mails or instant messages asking for things I would never readily give out. What drives someone to think that I would be ready to randomly have cybersex with a complete stranger?

Why do I feel that the more I put out here on this weblog, the more power I am relinquishing to the vast expanse of the internet? I could get lost out there. The internet has an unbelievable amount of power and it could be used against me at any time. There are hackers who could track my IP, dig up my passwords, steal my pictures and my writing, read my e-mail, and many other things. There could be someone who might find out where I live and show up at my doorstep expecting things from me. There could be people that I know personally reading this (and I know there are at least a few who do and don't comment) who might take something I say the wrong way and decide to slander my name amongst my friends. I know there are more people I know in real life who read this than have told me and it makes me nervous because I don't know for sure who is. I've been able to block a few IPs from commenting, but am unable to stop them from reading and I wonder what it is they think.

Would it have been better to remain anonymous? Would it have been better if I had kept this weblog focussed on a student's life? If I had, I would never have *met* some of you wonderful people out there whose lives I have become addicted to. Would it have been better if I had never posted any pictures? Would it have been better if I hadn't even used my name? Would it have been better to have kept a journal in a book instead of online?

There is no right answer here. There never will be. I give up some power everytime I hit "publish" in this damn thing. I give up some power everytime I ask for help with a problem. I give up some power everytime I let someone into my heart. How much do I have left to give? How much will I have ended up giving away in the end? How much is too much? How much is enough? Am I even the one who chooses what and when to give that power away? Am I really the one who chooses?

And, to close it off, this lovely essay titled "Exposed Nerve".

*creepy link of the day* Cannibalism FAQs: ever wanted to know how to properly spit a woman while keeping her still alive? Um... here ya go. (Hoo boy, more freaky search engine referrals will result from this. As if I haven't gotten enough already.)
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 1:30 a.m. | | permalink
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