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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Sunday, January 16, 2005

I wish I were a lesbian. I enjoy looking at women. I check out women 99% more than I check out men. Sometimes, I even spend hours on the internet looking at nude pictures of women. Yum to the Suicide Girls ♥. I don't mind kissing women. I enjoy it. Women smell nice and have soft skin and always have great feeling lips. I love a glossy, wet look to those lips. Makes me want to kiss them more.

My favourite part on a woman are her curves. Especially the curves along her sides from stomach to hip to nice round butt. She could be any weight, any height, any colour, but if she's got those curves, I am smitten. My fingers twitch with the longing to run them down those curves, surrendering themselves to her flesh. I've never once fantasized about a woman though. Once, I had a dream about going down on a women whose muff was dyed bright pink, but when I woke up my only thought was "what the h-e-doublehockeysticks?" It was an über-strange dream and I wasn't turned on at all, just confused as to why I dreamt it.

I like a woman's breasts. I like the swell of cleavage in a tight, low-cut shirt. I love the look of breasts caught up in a corset. I love when women, in older movies, would pull things (like jewelry) out of their cleavage. Bras are a great way to carry small things around if one doesn't have any pockets.

I like a woman's hips. I love the look of low-rise pants against a flat stomach. Although I'm not a fan of bellybutton rings, they do add a bit of sparkle (assuming said woman doesn't have one of the Playboy bunny charms or something else stupid).

I don't really ogle at men. Sure, there are some who are attractive, but I usually stop once I see their faces. I don't lust after muscles or huge hairy guys. Penises aren't really all that attractive to me. Well, vulvas aren't either, but I'd rather look at a pretty vulva than a penis. I can appreciate a nice camel toe better than I can stand a one-eyed trouser snake.

I would have no problem kissing or touching a woman as long as it stays above the waist. Anything lower than that gets me a little iffy, which is how I know I'm not attracted to women in that way. I'm disappointed. I envy all the lesbians out there and all the women who identify as bisexual. I'd love to join that club, but it just doesn't seem to be in the cards for me. Can someone reshuffle the deck?

I'm sure I could try it out to see if it's just insecurity that has me iffy. I'm sure I could just pretend to enjoy women in that way. No, it's not that. I know that I truly am partial to penis. It kills me. I'm not satisfied with being straight. I'm greedy and I want to be able to have a choice. What shall the main course be today: male or female?

The only exception I'm making is my obsession with Angelina Jolie. I adore her, not just because she's a Hottie McHotHot, but because she seems like such a great person. I think her heart is just as beautiful as her body. I will readily admit to anyone that my obsession borders on "unhealthy". I am planning to get the word "Jolie" tattooed onto my body between my shoulderblades (click here to see the 2 designs I am deciding upon) once I suck up my fear of needles enough. I chose that word partly to show my Angelina love and partly because "jolie" is the feminine version of "pretty" in French and it would be a good way to remind myself that I am attractive when I'm having one of those "I feel hideous" days (and there are many). My friend, Lauren and I are even contemplating over getting the flame from the movie Foxfire tattooed on us for more Angelina homage. On the sidebar, there is a small text link that says "pictures". It links to my photo album on Care2 and, somewhere near the end of the photos, there is a picture of the Angelina magazines I had collected last year. This year, there are a handful more along with another two posters. Perhaps sometime I'll post the pictures I took of my Angie-fied room last year. *drool*

I wish I were a lesbian. I want to give up on men. Women appeal to me so much more and yet... partial to penis. Damn. I am defeated by my own hormonal attractions. Or I could just be saving myself for Angie ♥. Here is a picture of a shirt I made over the Christmas break. Lauren made one too because we are counterbrains and she shares the obsession. Rock on!

my most awexome t-shirt

[update] Brand-spankin' new crush: Katie B from the band Jakalope! Oh she makes me drool. Canada's got some regular hotties, I must say. Yum! Oh, if you don't like puzzles, don't check out the band's website, just to warn ya!

Random funny quizzes...

*stupid link of the day* Queen of Wands: one of the strips for an awexome comic! "Vagina Dentata, what a wonderful phrase!" Any Lion King fans out there? By the way, I can't stand Freud...

P.S. Everyone out there, go read Rob because he likes getting feedback on his writing and it'll get your mind thinking. And, I popped his Star Wars cherry by making him watch Episode IV. Oh, I'll make him see them all eventually (but delaying Ep II for as long as possible *shudder*).
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 3:53 p.m. | | permalink
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