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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The Road Less Than Traveled
Walking alone on a road less than traveled
I long for the eyes of sorrow to follow me no more
The footsteps I hear are the echoes of my own
And my tears raining down make puddles on the road
My tired old hands are like gnarled twisted trees
That sprout from the side of the path
My face, the haunted eyes of sadness, never blink
To change expression, for they are everlasting
Like my gaze across the field
Vast emptiness surrounding me makes me feel small and afraid
But if only I could see a trail of footsteps
Ahead of mine
I would then know that I am not the only one
Whose tears have fed the road, and whose hands,
Rotten and worn, lay by the side
To haunt travelers
I am not the only one whose emotions have overcome them
Because I can see a light
A light at the end of the road less than traveled and
I am not the only one because
I am no longer alone.
©JeN (written 02/17/00)

I do feel alone. I feel damn alone. How can you tell me that you don't have any feelings in "that way" left for me and then tell me you wish I was there with you? How can you say you feel nothing for me and be so willing to fuck me? How can you tell me that sometimes you forget we're not together anymore? How can you say that you aren't sure we should hang out because you don't know if you can trust yourself around me? How can you be so damn confusing? Don't you know how this makes me feel?
I am raw and bleeding before you. You give me a taste of what I want and then pull away, leaving me to feel like a whore. I don't want to be a whore. I can't have you telling me that you're jealous of the fact that I could flirt with other boys, I can't have you worrying that I might meet someone at a party. If you don't want anything to do with me romantically, then why are you having problems letting go of me? You said you didn't have feelings for me in "that way" anymore so shouldn't there be nothing left to let go of? You say you want me to meet someone new, but then you say you'd be jealous if I did.
I don't want anyone new. In fact, I don't want anyone. My heart is open to you, my walls are down for you. I don't feel the desire to make room in my heart for anyone else. At the very least, I want your friendship because you mean so very much to me. To me, you not trusting yourself around me could possibly mean that you still have feelings for me. Which could mean you lied when you left me. If that is the case, why did you feel that you couldn't tell me the truth?
I am so very confused and lost. My head is filled with conflicting emotions bouncing back and forth through my brain. Every day I think of you and every night you're in my dreams. This torture you wring upon my heart squeezes it like a vice and I can't breathe. This pain is sweet to me.
I can only be grateful that it's exam time and so I don't go out anywhere where there could be new boys for you to be jealous of. I stay away from all of them because they are not you. As of now, there is no room anywhere inside of me for someone else. I welcome this pain at the same time that I hate it. I want you and I need you. There isn't anyone else because, for now, there can't be. You send me mixed signals and I am confused. I walk along my path, very alone. Where is my light at the end of the tunnel?
I wish you could decide what it is that you want and/or need. I wish you could make up your mind. I wish you could want me. Why can't we just have the ability to get over someone instantly? Why can't I be what you want and/or need? Why can't you hold me in your arms again? Why do I have so many fucking unaswerable questions? I need to build up a world of ice so that I can numb myself to emotions. If I don't let anyone in, no one can hurt me.
"Let me let go, let me let go. If this is for the best why are you still in my heart, are you still in my soul?" -- Let Me Let Go - Faith Hill

*stupid link of the day* THIS is what may happen if we're not nice to the animals we eat: "Cows with guns..."
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 1:01 a.m. | | permalink
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