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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, December 06, 2004

I sleep tied. It's something I've been doing for the past little while and I rather enjoy it. It brings me comfort. Like, no matter what awful things have happened throughout the day, at night the rope will keep me secure while I sleep. At first I did it to remind myself of him, because he was the one who made me feel safe and comforted, but he has moved away and cannot be a part of my life in that way anymore. Now, before I go to bed, I tie my ankles together and I feel a sense of calm surround me. I would much prefer to have both my wrists and ankles tied while I sleep, but tying one's own wrists is a bit of an effort. I do it on occasion when I feel I need that extra security blanket. Sometimes I even tie myself in the middle of the day while I sit here at my desk. It's something I feel I need to do when life spirals out of control. The rope is something unchanging. It will not let go of me unless I physically untie it. It holds me together while the world falls apart.
Once, I told him how I slept and he found it amusing (not in a bad way). He said he enjoyed how I was "really getting off on that rope thing". It's not that I am "getting off", it's that I crave security and I can't seem to find another way to get it. I'm sure I could deep inside myself and all that jazz, but I am rather weak at the moment and I can't seem to find any inner strength. I miss him. I wish he could be the one to bind me every night.
It seems that, lately, I've been tying myself tighter. I wish I could tie as tight as I wanted, but that would cause circulation problems while sleeping. I tried to articulate to him the comfort I feel by having these bindings around me and what they symbolize to me. Sometimes, I even carry my piece of rope around in the kangaroo pocket of my sweatshirt. It makes me feel better to know that, even though it isn't around me, it is still near and reminds me of security. Being restrained in other ways is pleasing to me as well, but this way means security and comfort to me. It's gotten to the point where, no matter how tired I am, I cannot fall asleep until at least my ankles are bound. Sometimes, when I wake up either in the middle of the night or in the morning, I do not want to rid myself of my security blanket just then, so I hop/shuffle into the bathroom to brush my teeth and the other things people usually do in the bathroom. I try not to let my roommate see because I don't think she would understand. She says she is open-minded, but whenever I tell her that I do things like this, I feel that she looks down on me and asks her disdaining "but why?". I now try not to let her know about the odd little quirks that I have.
There really are only 2 people who I can tell pretty much anything to and who will not care. One, I still keep up some walls to because, deep down, I know that girls talk and, even though I know that this person knows the difference between what is good gossip and what is better left unsaid, I still have some reservations, though they are lessening. The other person... the one who has seen all of me. I still find myself wanting/needing to tell him everything and it hurts knowing that I can't do that anymore. He wants to know everything as well and we struggle with trying not to cross the fine line of friendship. It is a stuggle I want so much to lose. He is inside my head and my heart and I can't get him out.
Why does it seem that the truly beautiful ones are the ones we can never keep around? I have to stop falling more for him. It won't do me any good. He was once the one who kept me from falling apart and, now that I am not permitted to rely on him, I rely on my rope. It holds me while I dream. If only it could hold me while I am awake too.
I know I should be able to support myself. There are hundreds of things I "should" do, but I know that I can't do them all. I am still roughed up from being rejected. I am still empty from showing who I am. I forgot how exhausting it is to hide from everyone and everything. I just want to curl up in a ball and not have to deal with anything for a long long time. Unfortunately, I can't do that. I have to keep on living. I have to keep on taking another step every day. All I want to do is collapse and give up. Part of me still wants to throw myself at his feet and beg. In fact, the only thing stopping me from doing that is the knowledge that it wouldn't make a difference at all. I want to close myself off and rest assured that, if I don't feel anything for anyone, they can't hurt me. Never again will I want to fully share myself because then the whole of me will never be rejected. I have sworn off romantic relationships for an indefinite amount of time.
It bothers me that some people tell me that I won't be able to do it. Yes, I will be able to. If I don't let anyone in, then I won't be able to develop feelings for them. It's that simple. It's that cold. I exist alone in this world of icy walls built up for my own protection. That world is alive only in my imagination and, in the real world, there is a hell of a lot of smiling and pretending to do. Less so on here for I retain some sort of anonymity (excluding those who know me in person and read). I can care and I can show I care; I just can't be "in love". Romantic love has left no good marks on me personally and, for now, life without it seems much easier. If only I could learn to turn my love for him to ice. That isn't possible so I'll just have to hope that I get over it sometime soon.
In the meantime, my rope holds me safe and secure in my bed. It will not let go of me. It holds me while I am deep in sleep and not in control of my body or my thoughts. My rope holds me. It holds me like he can't anymore. My rope is unchanging. It will always be there for me when I need it, and it will go away when I choose to untie it to face the day. I need something in my life that is willing to hold me and not let go.
It seems that the new "cool" thing is to put these up, so I have:

Doesn't exactly look like me but, then again, how many computer generated things really would?

*link of the day* the Blog as Criminal Evidence: so maybe writing down every single thought you have isn't such a good idea...
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 4:28 PM | | permalink
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