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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Thursday, December 23, 2004

I must build my walls back up. They've been down too long around you and it's become habit for me to shed all my masks and all my coverings and to just be myself around you. I can't do that anymore. It's well past the time I should have stopped. You can't come inside anymore. It's not because you're unwelcome since I always want you to stay, and it's not because you don't fit there since I've never been so comfortable before. It's because I simply can't have you anymore. It's over.

It's over. I need to understand that it's over. Why can't I understand that it's over? No more what if's passing through my head. I can't have myself thinking that there could be another chance. There aren't any more. None. Zip, zero, nada. Am I really that dense since I can't seem to grasp the concept?

I'm going to have to lie to you a lot. I can't think of any other way to get through this. I don't want you to leave my life since you still mean a lot to me as a friend. Spending time with you is not something I could easily give up. I do want to continue to hang out with you even if I won't be allowed to touch you. I'll have to cope with that somehow. It'll have to be my problem alone. Well, it'll only be a problem if you want to hang out with me too.

Why are relationships so hard to get over? What is it about you that just keeps coming back to me? I'm trying to forget and I'm trying to let go. When I hurt a lot, I think of you hurting me physically. Would you ever do that? Would you ever make me cry from physical pain? I should stop telling you everything that goes on in my head. It's not your fault that I hurt, it's mine. I'm the one who can't let go.

Maybe it was you who changed and that's why we're apart now. Maybe I took up too much of your time and you didn't have enough for work. School is important, but so are friends. I'd like to say I need you. I'd like to say I want you. I'd like to say I miss you. I'd even like to say I love you. But it's over. It's all over.

When something happens, you're the first one I want to tell it to. When I go to bed, you're the one I dream of. When I wake up, you're the one I think of. When I have a thought, you're the one I want to tell it to. When I'm sad, you're the one I want to hold me. When I'm laughing, you're the one I want to joke with. But it's over.

Brick and cement and other strong things. I need to make my walls stronger than before because now I know that they are penetrable. I can't have anyone else getting in. Ever. It's not safe for me to have someone inside. It's not safe for you to be inside if you ever want me to let go.

You'll have to get used to my lies, and you'll be the only one who sees them as lies. You'll be the only one who knows what's really behind my painted-on smile. The heavy makeup I wear everyday to hide myself from the rest of the world. You'll know what's behind it and you'll know that my walls crack in your presence and you'll know that I'm struggling not to drop them for you. I have to be strong in front of you. I can't show you the girl I really am. You've seen her and you like her and she's so desperately in love with you. Change back to the way you were and please love her too? But it's all over.

Restrain me and have your way with me. Make me bleed for you. Make me hurt for you. Make me cry for you. Anything, as long as it's for you. I would do anything for you but you won't have it. Take all that I am and make it yours. Every breath in my lungs I give to you. Every beat of my heart, every blink of my eyes, every clench of my bowels. Every function I have is for you. I want to give them all to you. I want you to allow my heart to beat, my eyes to blink, my throat to swallow, my jaws to chew. I want everything to be for you.

Backs turned and now my walls must be mounted instead. I want to give it all to you, but you won't take it. You push it back upon me and my heart breaks. Can a broken heart shatter more? Yes. It's really over.

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