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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Sunday, October 03, 2004

Take a knife and cut my clothes off of my body. You don't care if you scratch my skin. You slice through my shirt, my pants, my bra, my underwear. I am left trembling and naked in front of you. You look upon my body in disdain, sneering at even the tiniest of imperfections. You raise your right hand and I feel the stinging against my cheek. The force knocks me off my feet and I fall to the ground. You walk over to where I have fallen and kneel beside me. I look up at you in some stupid hope that maybe you will caress me. You roughly push me over so that I am lying on my stomach.

You bind my wrists together be hind my back. You bind my ankles together and my knees. You wrap the rope around my body so that the only way I can move is to wriggle like a worm. The rope is tight around my neck, making it difficult to breathe. It is around my forehead, pulling back so that I am forced to look in an upward direction. You pick me up, almost tenderly, and I begin to have hope that perhaps you might still have some feelings for me. You open the door and throw me out onto the grass where I land facedown. It had been raining and I slide through the mud. Any hope I had is now lost and I wail in despair. You walk through the mud, making sure to splash through any puddles. You wipe your boots clean upon my skin, showing me that I am worth nothing more than to wipe your boots on.

You kick me in the side and the force causes me to roll over and cover my other side with dirt. You grab my shoulders and force me into a kneeling position. My tears are making lines through the mud covering my face. I can feel the rope scratching at my flesh and it burns me. You grab my hair and yank my head back roughly. I open my mouth and cry out in pain. You stifle my cries by stuffing your cock in my mouth and moving my head back and forth along it, not caring while I choke and gag. When you cum, you make sure that you do it near the front of my mouth so that your semen can be seen dripping out of my mouth and down my chin.

You slap me across the face again so now both my cheeks are red and swollen. I can taste blood and semen and the bitter tang of fear. You push me onto my stomach and spank my ass. Not in the way you would if we were lovers in the bedroom, but you do it to cause me pain and to hear me cry. I know what you are about to do and I try to brace myself, but how can you brace yourself against rape? You force your way into me and I can feel my body's rejection of you which only makes it hurt more. If I could somehow make myself enjoy it then the pain would lessen, but I cannot enjoy myself with you raping me, hitting me and calling me all the names you feel I deserve. You tell me that I am worth nothing, that I am filth, that even a garbage dump would refuse me.

I cry and beg for you to stop and you hit me and yell for me to shut the fuck up. I am concentrating on what the grass looks like in front of me in hopes that the humiliation will soon stop. You pull out and I think you have finished. You grab my ass and pull the cheeks apart. I whimper and my eyes and nose start to run afresh with the realisation of what you are about to do. I feel myself rip open, raw and bleeding with your entry. I know that something awful has happened to my insides and you tell me that you can see blood coating your cock like a condom. Every hole on my body intended for pleasure is now an abyss of pain. I am humiliated beyond belief and am quite surprised that you did not do this to me in front of an audience. The grunt you give indicates to me that you have finished raping me and I am awash with the feel of cold air as you pull out.

The stinging begins anew and I moan because it hurts so much. You stand up and kick me in the ribs. I try to wiggle away from your range and away from the pain. You slap my face once more, grab my hair and drag me over to a tree. You take the last of the rope and attach me to the tree like a dog on a leash. There is enough slack for me to move away a few feet but not enough to prevent my imprisonment. You press me up against the bark and force me to slide down it as it rips apart my flesh. I crumble at the base of the tree, too much in pain to do anything but whimper. You kneel down and look me in the eyes. Even after all that you have done I am still searching for a spark of compassion. I want to believe that there is a part of you that still cares about me like you used to. You used to love me. You would have done anything for me. I broke that trust and love you had in me so you felt you had to give me what I deserve.

And I do deserve this. I am the whore you name me to be. I am not even worthy of the dirt from your boots. I was once your baby who meant the world to you. Now I am nothing but a filthy slut, covered in blood, dirt and semen, tied to a tree. As I look into your eyes, I see blind hatred. Behind the hate, I see something else. A sadness. A confusion. You wonder where your baby went and why she had to go away from you. You wonder why she had to hurt you so. You wonder why she didn't appreciate you. You wonder why she had to break your trust and your heart. You wonder why she had to be so accepting of your love and then throw it back in your face. I see all these things in your eyes and, while I hate the pain you have caused me, I understand that I am deserving of it. Rape, humiliation and blood are my dues and it was high time I paid them to you.

As we lock eyes, I see a flicker of pain in yours. Then, as quick as it appeared, the softness is gone. You scowl and look over my bruised, broken body. We lock eyes again and you tie a gag around my head so that any sound I make is muffled. You spit on my face in disgust. Then you stand up and walk away, leaving me tied to the tree. I do not know where I am or even if you are coming back. I am cold and my body does not have enough energy left to start to heal itself. I realise that you are not coming back to get me. This is it. You have left me to die here, bound and gagged.

I cannot compain for it is what I deserve. This is what I deserve for hurting you. I have made you feel like nothing and so, in return, I am to be treated like nothing. This is what I deserve. I am nothing to you any longer. I am dead to you. I am nothing and I am dead.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 2:02 PM | | permalink
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