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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, October 25, 2004

inspiration for this post comes from May*Star:
linda says that i am approval seeking. i think that she's found the perfect thing to describe part of me. i'm so sensitive and get hurt so easily that i think in a lot of ways i need other people to let me know that what i'm doing is ok, so that they won't make fun of me or hurt me. yet, at the same time, i still do so many things (like being crazy and irrational and negitive) that i know people don't like, so really it doesn't make any sense. i guess i still never do anything that i don't want to do (unless it's to let someone else have their way), but it's like i need other people to think the things that i want to do are okay in order to do them. like, in order to wear some silly outfit, it helps if someone says that it's okay to, or something... i don't know.
I am also someone who needs validation. I like to know if what I am doing is right or not. I like to have that feedback from other people. I am always worrying if what I am doing will affect someone else negatively. Sometimes you just can't help that though. I start to panic if I can't get that validation. I feel uncomfortable and unsure. Does this mean that I use everyone else as a crutch? I lean on them until they tell me I am doing the right thing and only then can I continue on my own? If so, does that make me weak? can anyone ever realy go one without feedback from anyone? I am not a unique individual like we would all love to think we are. I am just like many other law-abiding citizens and I am completely lost inside my own head. What purpose do I have here? Do I even have meaning to anyone? I once thought I did, now I am not so sure.

*stupid link of the day* Snoop Dogg: the Shizzolator: kind of like Altavista's Babelfish, but Snoop Doggy Dogg style. I translated my weblog into it and cracked up reading all the posts. Fo' shizzle, my nizzle!
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 5:54 p.m. | | permalink
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