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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Saturday, October 02, 2004

I need you to want to make me bleed. What is the feeling you get when everything fades from your sight and the only person you can blame is yourself? Emptiness. Broken. Alone. Hurt. If our fates are written out for us as soon as we are created, then perhaps I was never meant to have true happiness. Perhaps I was only meant to taste it for a fleeting moment, just so that I could know the euphoric bliss it brings before it gets torn away from me. Is life really meant to be such a severe emotional rollercoaster? The bipolar ride of life? Going from heavenly happiness to suicidally depressed over and over and over?

My body isn't meant to handle these kinds of emotions that are constantly washing over me in waves. I am going to break down. Perhaps that is life's one true lesson: if you open yourself up and tear down your walls, it is only guaranteed that a tsunami will come in and blow you apart. How do you fix something that seems irrepairable? How do you mend a broken heart? How do you teach a bunny to fly? Can it be that I am a mistake? Unworthy of love, respect, kindness and time. I should be the dirt you scrape off of your shoes at the end of the day. I should be the lint you pick off of your sweater. I should be the Kleenex you use once and then throw away. I should be the one nobody looks twice at. I should be the ten-cent whore who is too filthy to even consider fucking.

Force me down to my knees so that you tower above me. Slap my face as hard as you can. I need to taste the saltiness of my blood inside my mouth. I need to cry out in pain. I need you to beat me and kick me until I can no longer support my own body weight. I need you to yank my head up by the hair. I need you to look me in the eyes and spit on my face in disgust. I need you to call me "whore", "slut", "cunt", "dirt", "worthless", and most of all "nothing". I need you to tie me up so that I am immobilised and have you turn your back on me. I need you to rip off my clothing and leave me exposed to you entirely. I need you to berate me physically and emotionally. I need you to force me to do things to you like the cruellest sadists would demand of their victims.

I need you to use me. I need you to abuse me. I need you to fuck me in the coldest, most unemotional way manageable. I need you to rape me and not care. I need you to force open my mouth, my pussy and my ass. I need you to take everything I have to give and throw it back in my face, claiming that it isn't good enough for anyone at all. I need you to ignore my tears mixing with my blood. I need you to ignore my cries and pleas for you to stop. I need you to rip the very flesh from my body and leave me writhing in a pool of my own vomit, piss and blood. I need you to take, break, and kill my soul.

I want to be so far gone into the pain that I am numb. I want you to make me shatter into a thousand and one pieces and refuse to put them back together. I need to see the cold hatred in your eyes as you raise your hand to me. I want to fall asleep only because my body is too broken and beaten to do anything else but fall into an exhausted slumber. I need to wake up hours later covered in the bloody bruises you had inflicted on me. I need my open welts to be sticky with your fluids. I need to be unable to move because the pain makes it so I can't breathe. I need to be hoplessly abandoned in a dirty alleyway in the middle of nowhere, bound and gagged and otherwise left for dead.

I crave the feeling uselessness. I crave the feeling of helplessness. I crave the feeling of total and utter loss. I want to go past the breaking point. Not only do I feel the need to be treated like this, but I feel the need to have you treat me like this. I have wronged you and broken your trust. I feel that you have the absolute right to treat me like scum. I need you to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I have no worth and I need you to realize that too. I am nothing.

and in some small way, i want you to want this too because i want to be worth some of your attention and time. you may hate me as you will, but i just need you to care enough about me to make me bleed and make me break. even if it is only to rid me from this world. if i am to be dead, i want you to be the one to do it. i owe you that. i want to be worth enough for you to bother killing. i need you to take me as you will.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 10:33 p.m. | | permalink
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