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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Sunday, August 29, 2004

I feel alone. I don't know why, because I know I'm not. I have family and friends. I'm even going to the zoo tomorrow with Steph and Nicole . It should be fun, despite the fact that it's going to be cloudy weather. The last time I went was a couple years ago with Steph and Nicole. We had a pretty good time. I also get to see Steph's new car tomorrow. It was her birthday present to herself. A pretty damn good one at that! The weather today suits my mood: rainy and blah. It poured today and I stood on my driveway and let the rain fall on me. Maybe I was hoping it would wash away some of the bad feeling. Nope. I still feel like crap. I feel like there is nothing good anymore. Like I could never be happy again. Like I want to curl up in a ball and ignore the rest of the world. Heh, I am so turning into a typical brooding teenager. And I thought I was out of that phase. There's a red ant crawling across my monitor. I wonder if it will get in the computer? I wonder if there's a colony in the house? I want to take a picture of it. Call me crazy. But, yeah, I don't know what's been up with me lately. I just can't seem to be happy anymore. Everything sucks. No, that's not even true. I just like to think that everything sucks. I've been playing lots of video games (Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance and Champions of Norrath) and that's been fun. Multitaps for PS2 are awexome. However, switching back and forth from GameCube to PS2 is confusing. The part of my brain that is a little white girl can't handle it. I don't function in the world anymore. Someone needs to come and take care of me and tell me what to do so that I don't have to think for myself anymore. I need to take one of those trips to "find myself", but I don't even know if that would work. I don't know who I am or even who I am trying to be. I do know that I'm not a happy bunny. I don't know how to fix that. I do wish I could leave the world for a little while. You know, go somewhere and have no one around. Have invisible forces take care of me (yup, can't even go somewhere and be independent). Spend some time self-involved inside my own head. Sort out my life. And, if all went well, reenter society with an understanding of myself. But, nope, can't do any of that. This isn't a television show and I can't take time out for anything. The cameras keep rolling and I'll just have to trudge on amidst this big ball of confusion. I'm sure there's many more people who feel the same way I do. I'll be honest. I don't really care. I don't have to live their lives. I only have to live mine and so mine is the one I want sorted out. It's not good to hate yourself, but sometimes I do. Blah blah blah "you're a beautiful person, you have friends who love you" and all that bullshit. Yeah, I've heard it before. You people can lend all the support you want. It won't help me any. It's my solo battle and I don't even know how to fight it.
Being selfish just seems to be so much easier. I should just shut out everyone and everything and concentrate on me until I get what I want. So why exactly don't I do that? While away from everything at school, it would be so easy to do. And I think I could do it. Sure, it would be difficult at first, but I think after a few months I would be okay. Why won't I do it then? Fuck. I need help.

*stupid link of the day* The Straight Dope: ever wondered what the lyrics to "Louie Louie" are? or maybe what the term "ok" really stands for? Find answers (or at least clever wit) to those questions and more in this site.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 9:38 PM | | permalink
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