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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Sunday, July 25, 2004

If it's going to be hashed out, it will not be hashed out on a message board. Let alone this one. If people have left their e-mail addresses, it is because they are willing to be contacted via e-mail. I don't think that she and I can be friends anymore. We never really did "mindless chatter" because all she ever did was ask me questions about him. A lot of the time I didn't want to answer the questions, but I was hoping it would help me in someway by talking about it. Perhaps I was talking about it to the wrong person. "I don't mean to pry but...", "I know this must be awkward for you but...". All the "but"s revolved around asking questions about my history with him and, after I would mention something, there would always be questions leaning towards wanting more details. Every time I talked to her, she brought him up eventually. I hated talking about him. I hated thinking about him. It was so incredibly difficult not to just wrinkle my nose in distaste and call him mean names right there, but I don't think I ever did. I tried to be grown up and talk about it like a rational human being. She always wanted he and I to gt together and talk no matter how many times and reasons I gave to say no. Every so often I had to leave the computer and scream because I didn't know how much longer I could talk to her about him. It just kept going and going and going. Somehow I always made it through the conversation. I never made it through unscathed for, I don't know why, but I was always a little shaky after she went offline. I still liked her though. Whenever the conversation wasn't about him, we had good ones. I considered her a friend... Well, more of an acquaintance since we didn't now each other very well yet. I never wrote anything to hurt her. That one post was directed at him because he seemed to disregard everything I had previously written and thought I was angry at everything. That post was my was of proving I wasn't. She read it and hurt me. How could I ever be friends with someone who threatens people when they get angry? Who threatens and ends it off with "cheers"? Does that mean she is cheerful when she is tearing someone apart? Maybe she was cheerful because she could show her true nature of being "a bitch" as he watches her type her reply over her shoulder. I should never have told her anything. I was stupid and I fell right into that trap. I've been tag-teamed. Pumped for information. Juiced like an orange and left to shrivel in the sun. It's taken me way too long to learn my lesson about people: you can't trust anyone. I should stick to writing things down on paper and burning them once I am through. That way no one could ever know what goes on in my head. I thought that writing some of that stuff on here would be okay and whoever stumbles across it would know that I am biased. I guess not. Maybe I should take this thing down. I don't think I will since, if I take it down, it's like they win. I know for a fact that I am allowed to write about whatever I want anytime I want to. All I ever wanted was for him to leave me alone. Why did it have to blow up into this? The times I told him to go away and not talk to me. The times Leya told him not to talk to me. It may have hurt his feelings to hear it from her, but it's only because he never seemed to listen to me when I said it. And I know I said it numerous times because he approached me quite a few times wanting to talk. I always backed away. I never wanted to talk. I only ever wanted him to leave me alone and every time he didn't, I took it personally because it was like whatever I said wasn't important and it all revolved around what he wanted which brought me back to the break-up. Now he mentioned that he is going to forget I ever exist. He made it seem like he is the bigger person by bringing it up. Why is he the good one for suddenly realizing this when it's what I wanted all along? That's not fair. Why couldn't he listen to me every time I asked him to go away and stop talking to me? Why is it that when he finally realizes that it's the best thing, he thinks it's his idea?
Everyone should just back out of this and drop the subject. He and I will continue to not talk. She and I will no longer talk. It will be done with. I wish it had been done with long ago. This is why I hate dating. Look what it brings! I am never dating again. Love doesn't seem to make the world go 'round either. Screw all this boyfriend/girlfriend crap. People can be happy without "significant others" and I will be. Fuck all y'all.
P.S. My parents bought some fancy digital cordless phone/answering machine and it doesn't have an instruction booklet so no one knows how to use it. Why would anyone do that? It won't stop beeping really loudly whenever you push a button and I find it annoying.

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