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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Friday, July 16, 2004

I stole this from Kayla. I'm pretty sure she won't mind, especially since I'm linking back. She wrote it July 2nd, '04.
Wake up in the morning, I'm the last thing on your list. Wake up in the morning, drift through your routine. You're happy. You have your friends, your family, your fights and your comforts. Those he said/she said stories, the good times the bad times and they all stare you in the face. You can remember your past and have another fill in the blanks. You can crawl and know that someone will place you back on your feet. You have your likes and dislikes and you can share them with the world. You have your intelligence and a whole life ahead of you and a great big smile on your face.
So what am I here for? I need you, I crave you. I wake up in the morning, you're the first thing on my list. I wake up in the morning, I skip the routine. I'm satisfied. I have friends and family and my own fights and comforts, although at times it takes a while to find them. I have he said/she said stories, the good times and the bad times and they're a bit distant to grasp. I can remember my past and I feel a hole in the blank spaces that need to be filled. I will crawl and I lack reassurance in who will be there to pick me up. I have likes and dislikes and I guess I should keep them to myself. I'm intelligent and I have my whole life ahead of me, and I at times, have a great big smile on my face... but I need you.
I enjoy the writing. I enjoy how the words flow. The repetitiveness that helps with the comparison of two different people. I'd like to say it's in two different points of view, but it's not. There's only one. Do people only like writings when they can identify with them? I don't know. My turn to write...
Everything is exhausting. I'm tired of trying. Tired of trying to make you care. You say you're tired too, but not of the same things I am. I cannot tell you how drained I feel, how numb to new emotions. And all the while I worry that, one day when I wake up, you'll be gone. You'll walk away and never look back. Didn't this ever mean anything at all to you? Do you ever think of the good times and become filled with affection? Sometimes I think you can't be human. Looking back is like second nature to most people. I know you never wanted any of this in the first place, but you should have walked away then instead of walking towards it all. Yes, you did try to walk away, but you never got farther than a couple stumbling steps. I always took that to mean you didn't really want to leave. Was I wrong? I am afraid that you'll turn your back one day. I couldn't blame you. It hasn't been the best ride. There have been plenty of bumps and other obstacles to slow everything down. I always thought we made it past them okay and, throughout it all, the road trip has been fun. I am, however, tired of worrying that you'll get out of the car and start walking in the other direction. The direction you know you'll be walking alone, but that's what you wanted in the beginning anyway. I don't know how to make you stay. I don't think there actually is a way for me to get you to stay. All I ever had was hope and now, even that is beginning to fade. It's not only that I want you, but I think I need you too. Do you ever think you need me? Do you even want me?
Do you even care anymore?
the Kayla
*non-stupid link of the day* Live365: internet radio is genius. How else can I listen to cheesy Japanese music? Cyber X feat. Tomiko Van - "Drive Me Nuts" is a good song.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 11:37 a.m. | | permalink
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