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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Feelings. Tripping and falling can be embarrassing, but is falling for someone even worse? Now, for those of you who have been in love, you all know that it is very much possible to fall out of love with someone. But is it possible to stop loving them completely? I would say in some circumstances, yes. For example, an abusive relationship. For most, however, there will always be a certain affection for the good times you shared with your significant other at the time. I wouldn't quite call it "love", but maybe "caring" is a better suited word. Okay, so after being apart from them for a while and your feelings for them fade, maybe to the point where you are okay with the fact that they are seeing someone else, how would you feel if a good friend pointed out to you that it's "obvious" that you still have feelings for them? Shock, horror, fear, shame... Those may be some of the emotions that run through you immediately following the moment of accusation. Now, if it were me, I would dwell upon these thoughts and wonder if I was giving off signals then how was I doing so and had more people noticed besides my one friend and, if so, had the ex noticed and was perhaps taking advantage of the situation. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience. This happened to me yesterday, as a matter of fact. Someone accused me of still having feelings for the idiot stick figure with no soul. I was incredibly hurt by the comment for I had counted the person who made it as one of my good friends and I couldn't believe they would think that of me. I thought they knew me better than that. Maybe they really never took the time to get to know me at all then. Or, if one of my good friends could see me giving off these so-called "I still have feelings for him" signs, then could my other friends? Maybe he could tell too. Maybe that's why he acts different with his girlfriend when I am around. Maybe he thinks that seeing them all huggy-kissy with each other will affect me (it does, but I hate it when any couple acts like that in public). I mean, as soon as he saw me walk into the bar yesterday, his arm went around her shoulder. Like I would care! I mean, yeah, good for them that they found someone to care about them (as mean as it sounds, I feel a bit sorry for her in case one day she understands my pain, but I hope she never will), but I don't want it rubbed in my face that they're together. And then when he went to leave yesterday, he made this big show of saying goodbye to everyone at the table except me. Yes, he was instructed to not talk to me (points for finally listening), but did he really have to make a show about it? I don't think so. It's like he's going out of his way to piss me off!
Anyway, I spent a chunk of the evening dwelling on what my friend had said to me earlier. Yes, I cried. I cried quite a bit. Wouldn't you? I mean, to finally think you were over someone only to have doubt thrown back in your face. Was I really over him? or was I using my newfound hatred for him mask my true feelings? Can you ever really get over a person? If I wasn't over him, was it okay? I mean, he was my first love and I can think back to good times we had. I started to question every feeling I had ever felt for him. I started to question every feeling I had ever felt for other people. I was second-guessing every emotion I had ever had. Was it really love? If it was, was I really out of it for him? Is it possible to even fall in love again? If so, could I do it? If I didn't know what love actually was, did that mean I was stuck in a stage of infatuation? If so, how long does infatuation last? Had I told people I love them and thought I meant it but didn't really know what love was? Have I just been lying to myself and everyone aruond me all this time? Was I really worth it to have someone fall in love with me? Was I worthy of any emotion given to me by a friend or otherwise? Was I really worth anything if all I did was lie to everyone? Is making me doubt myself so much just being used as a way to push me aside? Maybe if I make the decision then you won't have to.
I hurt so much yesterday. I couldn't properly enjoy myself at my friend's birthday party. I hope I put on an okay show so that people thought I was having a good time. But I kept thinking back to earlier on where, I had thought I was giving the impression that I had no feelings for the evil one, but if someone could see through that, then could people tell I wasn't having a good time? It's rough having to question everything you thought you once knew. And, now that the evil one's subject has been brought up again, I can't stop thinking about him. I didn't use to think about him at all. Now I am again and I hate it. I know for a fact that I am not in love with him anymore. What is it that you see that I can't?
It's a good thing I didn't stay with him, but most of the time I think I just wasn't enough.
*stupid link of the day* why don't we look up meanings of words from a site that can't even spell "dictionary"?
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 3:45 p.m. | | permalink
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