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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Childish. That makes me laugh. At least I didn't have to sign off with sarcasm. Who's being petty now? It is clear to me that certain things were not read or understood. I am not mad for always; just the latter part. I can tell the difference between the two.
Things I remember happily: the first time you came over and we held hands, the day you asked me out with a flower (I remember the song that was playing and why it was't "Stairway"), how I didn't want to bring the flower to the movies so we left it under your bed for a l-o-n-g time, how I was too nervous to kiss you for 3 days then we finally did and it was nice, how you used to bring me little presents just for fun (my favourites were the ducky bubbles and the tiny plastic cow) and draw me pictures, how I told you I loved you at that Halloween dance and kissed you and got your white make-up all over my face... damn black lite, the Jigglypuff keychain you got me for Christmas that I lost when my purse got stolen and I've always been looking for another one, how you got me another rose for our 6-month, how I hate Valentine's Day and you like it so I got you a present anyway, when I gave you my virginity and no I don't regret it, how perfect of a unit you me and Leya were, blue green & orange, when we were holding hands you'd never let me have my hand in front cuz you said it "felt weird", how we'd always hit each other and think the bruises were amusing, you'd let me sack you and only get me back on occasion, our groups of friends could mingle, the day I ate waffles at your house and we had a honey fight, how we could do nothing but giggle at stuff for hours, you didn't mind the idiotic stuffed animals from Europe, you'd let me play with your hair, you looked better in my boys' clothes than I did, the poem you wrote me... These are all the things off the top of my head right now. I'm sure there are many more but my brain is fried.
I don't appreciate you telling me what I can or cannot write. I never asked you to read this. If someone told you to, then shame on them. You took it into account that I would be writing about you when you chose to read any of this. So, if you're offended, it's your own fault. These are my thoughts and I am entitled to them. I have never forced people to read this, nor to conform to my opinion. I have never tried to belittle you in front of anyone. People know I wish not to be around you and they respect that. They may not understand it, but they respect it. All I wanted was for us to ignore each other. You knew that. Why couldn't you do that? It was clear that every time you tried to make contact with me it didn't go smoothly. Why couldn't you just let me go? Why did you have to keep on grabbing my shoulder and making me face you? Why did you send me e-mails? Why am I still on your msn list? I never wanted contact with you and yet you kept trying to force me into it. I am not your doll. You cannot make me do whatever you want. Maybe I was once, until you left me on the shelf to collect dust. Then I found the strength to walk away, and still you wouldn't let me.
If I am the one who is childish, you are the one who is petty. I was perfectly willing to turn my back on it all. It was you who kept trying to stop me. You seem to think that I am still your doll. You cannot tell me what to do. You cannot make me do what you want. Did you really need the last sarcastic remark? Does having it make you feel like the bigger person? Good. Continue to feel that way. I may be the one who is childish, but now you are also the one who needs to grow up.
Forget you ever owned that doll. She forgot you long ago.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 2:13 PM | | permalink
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