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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Alright, you know who you are. Why you read this/how you found it, I don't know. These are my personal thoughts and opinions and if you don't agree with them I don't give a fuck. Yes, I write about you. Look in the archives if you want to. You'll find some of what you're looking for. It's too late for me to change the url and all that shit because you've already read all this. You are no longer on my msn list. You've been off for a long time. I should have blocked you. I don't care if you hate me. I have my own personal reasons as I'm sure you have yours. All I want is for us to not communicate. Forget you know my number. No, forget you know my name. I will gladly follow suit and we can put all this behind us. I don't want to talk it out like adults. I don't want to discuss anything rationally. I don't want to resolve our differences. We had something once and it was good, but it ended. I can think fondly upon those times. We tried again and I gave you everything I could and you gave me next to nothing in return except for empty promises and things you didn't mean. I gave you my love and all I wanted was yours. You told me I had it, but you never actually gave it to me. That lie hurt more than you can ever imagine. I still suffer from that and, even though I have been in love since then, I am always afraid that I will never truly earn another's love in return. I can't trust people fully.
As for the nickname; you've watched "Sex & the City". Think back to when Carrie first found out about Big and Natasha. What was Carrie's nickname for Natasha then? I didn't make it up on my own. Yeesh. Sorry that it pissed you off but I was/still am upset and hurt and you deserved a nickname. Your other one that you had had for years wouldn't do anymore.
However, I still hurt when I think back on the way you treated me. I deserved better than that and you knew it at the time. Yes, it was a mistake to treat me like crap. Yes, you let it drag on. But when you let it drag on for that long, it starts to become on purpose. You knew what you were doing. You were stringing me along the whole time. You didn't respect me as a person. You said you loved me, but if you couldn't realize that I was a person too, then you must never have loved me. You told me things that I wanted to hear, but the things you did made me think otherwise. I was never your little doll that you could play with when you wanted to and then put away. You strung me along and you knew you were doing so. For that, I cannot forgive you. For dumping me over the internet I cannot forgive you. For saying you wanted to be my friend and then proceeding to ignore me, I cannot forgive you. You can't have my friendship. You've hurt me too much. You were the first person I ever fell in love with and look what happened. I never should have gone back to you. If I had been smart and listened to myself for once, we wouldn't be going through any of this. I blame you for hurting me deeply, but I blame myself for letting you do it to me. It was my fault for letting you string me along. It was my fault for not seeing what was really going on. Maybe I was too afraid to do anything about it because I was still hoping that deep down you really did love me. I did love you, you know. I loved you a lot. Even though I was away, I tried to keep in touch with you as much as I could. You only half-assed it. Maybe you only thought you loved me. Maybe I'm not meant to be loved by anyone. What was it I did so wrong to make you treat me like that? And why couldn't you tell me exactly why you had to leave? You said you wanted to marry me. Was that just another lie? Was I really worth so little to you? Was I ever worth anything at all? You might think I was but, really, did I ever mean anything to you at all?
P.S. you had better post a comment. don't pretend you've never read this...
*stupid link of the day* I Hate Men: a site just for the occasions when you're mad at males (yes, there is a counterpart over at I Hate Women).
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 3:34 p.m. | | permalink
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