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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Friday, December 12, 2003

I am very depressed. I hate boys. I'm so sad now. Why did he have to hurt me? Well, I know why but that doesn't mean I have to like it. *sigh* I wish I was angry at him, but I'm not. I wish I wasn't falling for him, but I am. I wish I hated him, but I don't. Damn the fact that I have an exam tomorrow and have to study. I'm not in the mood to do anything right now. I haven't even gotten dressed yet. I'm sitting here with a blanket wrapped around me. I hope Debbie doesn't come home anytime soon cuz she will see me wearing nothing and will wonder what is wrong and I will have to tell her. I'm so glad that Leya was home so I could call her as soon as he left. I don't even feel like writing now. I've already told him everything that I feel and it didn't change anything. What makes it even worse is that he told me he was falling for me too. Is it true? He did say that he'd never been in love before so how would he know that he might possibly be now? I wish he wasn't. I still want to see him. I'd like him to be here right now actually. I'm so afraid that if I keep hanging around him I will keep falling for him. I'm afraid that I will fall in love with him eventually and he won't be here for me to tell him. I probably shouldn't even be writing this in here because I don't want everyone to read it becasue I don't want to talk about it at all. I'm sure that whoever does read it will respect my privacy though. I'm so sad now. I can't even explain it. This past month has been so good. I've had so much fun with him. He means so much to me and I hate that he's gone now. Well, not exactly gone because he is still going to visit and hang out with Debbie and I. That might make it worse because then I'll miss him when he's not here AND when he is here. It'll kill me but I want to be around him still, no matter how much it hurts. He even told me we can still do 'stuff' if I want, but I know that would never work because my emotions would get too involved. Besides, I already have strong feelings for him and I don't need anything to make it worse. God, I miss him so much now. I don't think I want to write anymore. I'm still in a lot of pain. My heart hurts. I had hoped that this would never happen to me again. Emotional pain is so much worse than physical pain. I wish I was in physical pain (well, I am. bruising) but mostly my heart hurts. I had hoped I would never feel like this again but I guess that's what happens when you finally decide to take a step forward and let yourself feel for someone again. I wish I could stop having feeling for him, but I can't and, at the same time, I really want to feel something for him. I need to stop writing now. I've been crying for over 12 hours now and I need to stop. I don't think I can. Good-bye. I miss you and I was and still am falling in love with you. You made it happen by being yourself. I’m sorry I made you care for me and I’m sorry you don’t like having someone care about you. I do care. I care so much it hurts. You did hurt me, but I’m glad we had our time together. I miss you.

Chances Are - Vonda Shepard and Robert Downey Jr.

Chances are you'll find me
Somewhere on your road tonight
Seems I always end up driving by
Ever since I've known you
It just seems you're on my way
All the rules of logic don't apply

I long to see you in the night
Be with you 'til morning light

I remember clearly how you looked
The night we met
I recall your laughter and your smile
I remember how you made me
Feel so at ease
I remember all your grace, your style

And now you're all I long to see
You've come to mean so much to me

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best, I've ever met

And I'll be dreaming of the future
And hoping you'll be by my side
And in the morning I'll be longing
For the night, for the night

Chances are I'll see you
Somewhere in my dreams tonight
You'll be smiling like the night we met
Chances are I'll hold you and I'll offer
All I have

You're the only one I can't forget
Baby you're the best I've ever met
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 2:25 p.m. | | permalink
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