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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Monday, April 14, 2003

Okay, so I really have nothing to say. What else is new? I'm still depressed and indecisive and it doesn't look like that's gonna change anytime soon. Ugh, someone shoot me. How will I ever come to a decision? I keep having these dreams where Leya's having her party when her parents go on their cruise and the usual crew is all in her basement and I break a glass bottle and stab Kevin in the heart (or lack thereof) with it and then I stab Sean. The weird thing is, these dreams don't creep me out in the least. In fact, they make me feel better! Whoa, how twisted am I getting? I enjoy sadistic dreams. I think I have some sort of problem. Well, at least I haven't seen Kevin online since "the incident" and that's a good thing. He probably blocked me or something. Not that I'll be complaining or anything. Life is so difficult. On to happier things: yesterday I went to the Pita Pit with Cassie, Kristin and Kim for dinner. Yum, pitas are so good! Afterwards, we decided to go to Sugar Mountain *sigh* and we each bought over $10 worth of candy. I spent $13-something. Man, I love that store so much. It's absolutely amazing! They've got pretty much every candy you could ever think of and this awesome vintage stuff all over the store as decorations. I'd love to have some of it. I put down some song lyrics by a band called From Autumn To Ashes. They're emo (*sarcasm* how can you tell???) and I think this song helps to put into words exactly how I feel right now.

Short Stories With Tragic Endings - From Autumn To Ashes

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
The look stapled on your face cries out for forgiveness,
the one thing that I cannot give you.

Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts so much it's like choking... choking?

I can give you freedom from your guilt,
with a flick of my wrist onto yours.
I can give you peace of mind with a forced smile.

I can give you death with the look upon my face.

This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no regrets;
you don't deserve good bye.
This is your freedom in a life of fallacy,
with no last kiss & no good bye.

Here you stand seething with guilt.
Silence only justifies this act of cowardice.
With a short story, the one you add to daily, you are the tragic loss.
No story book ending for this fairy tale of you.
Just the one composed with blood taken from your pen that you hold in your lifeless hand.
Cry for you. Shed tears. Mourn. Wish the end.

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down on the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is a reminder of what I'll never have..
I'll never have... I'll never...

Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much it's like choking down the embers of a great place.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipidsky parting clouds.
And you let this one person come down... come down. I cherish you... I cherish you.
Just say that you would do the same for me..
just say you would do the same...
just say you would do the same for me.
For as much as I love Autumn,
I'm giving myself to Ashes.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 1:21 PM | | permalink
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