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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Wednesday, April 09, 2003

Last night was one of the toughest and most emotionally draining nights of my life. I was online, just getting ready to shut off the comp and go to bed and then, lo and behold, who messages me but Kevin Harron! Here's what he had to say (edited or else the conversation would be way too long). I've just copied and pasted his side of the convo cuz that's what I need to post. It went from about midnight till 2:30am. Here it is...

cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
ok... phew..... look i know we havnt been on the best of terms as of late and really i feel horrible for what happend, and i have been trying to work up the nerve to ask you this but do you think possibly we could work to make things decent between us? 'cause in all honesty i really miss being able to talk to you cause we get along really well most the time... i guess i just want things to be cool between us...
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
like really this has been eating me up since we broke up and i dunno i really wanna make peace with you... but if you'd prefer me not in your life at all i can respect that too
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
but i really do miss you and i keep kicking myself for doing somthing so stupid to someone whome i have the utmost respect for...
ause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well i know your mad. i would be too but my reasons for breaking it off were because i couldnt take the distance..... i hope you can believe me that i wasnt using you for anything.....i would never do that to you and i think you know that, but i mean i just miss you as a friend i mean your an awsome person and i thought that by leaving you alone for so long is so that you could talk to me when your ready....... i guess i really cant stand the thought of you hating me...... thats somthing i dont think i could bear
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
i just really needed to get this out
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
like i have been having dreams about making peace with you
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well i would like more than anything to be your friend again. i really would like you in my life again, but like i said its totally up to you. and i really cant apologize enough for what i did to you.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well i just wanna let you know that i completly regret what happend and i just want things to be ok.......and also i wanna let you know that breaking up with you was the hardest thing i ever had to do. it seriously killed me to do it
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
i know...... i didnt know what else to do..... i am sorry,really and truely am...... is there any way you could believe me?
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
havnt you ever wished we talked again? didnt it ever pain you that we wernt talking? you have been the biggest influence in my life for the past 4 or 5 years......... i thought about this every day trying to get the nerve to talk to you.... everytime your name came up i wanted to say smothing but i didnt want to know that you hated me.... thats the one thing i feared most was you hating my guts.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
why do you thinki am never around..... i mean they are also my friends....and the reason is cause i didnt want both of our nights to suck,,,, i mean if i was there i woulda just felt awful cause you would want nothing to do with me and you woulda felt awful cause i was breathing the same air as you
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
trust me i have been killing myself with this for a long time now
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
all i am saying is do you think there is a chance that we could ever be cool? i mean we have had some really good times together and when we're not at each others throats we can get along really well...
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
look we loved each other.... and i still did and still do to an extent... and i think you felt the same way....i cant speak for you but i needed you......i needed your love. its not your fault at all... if anything its mine
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
i was willing to deal with the distance.... but then when i saw you, you started to make me feel like i wasnt important to you..... you wouldnt ever sit near me or hold my hand..... and that made me mad.... but i realise now that you were down to see other friends too not just me....... and believe me when i say this breaking up with you was the biggest mistake i ever made.
ause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
and if you think for one second i only wanted to get laid then i...... i cant believe you actually thought that.....i would never do that to you.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
look i know there wasnt an explaination and i spologize for that... but i really truely and honestly would never do that to you
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
i swear on the love we had between each other that i was not usuing you for sex in any way shape or form.... i would kill myself before i would do that.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
jen, i really didnt want to hurt you....thats the last thing i ever wanted to do....and i really thought i was ok witht he distance thing but when things got bad i took it like a coward and ran....i really never wanted any of this to happen. you are still very important to me and if you dont wanna forgive me ever and if you dont ever wanna let me back into your life i can respect that totaly..... i just really needed to let you know how i felt and that i really do care...
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
look this has been realy hard to do..... i wanted to talk to you for so long but i know you didnt wanna hear what i have to say...... and i know there is no reason to believe me now but i really honestly believe every word i have said today.... i swear on my life that this all the truth.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
these thoguhts have kept me up every night for the past couple months.... i have been thinking about it alot... i just want us to be able to talk again... i want to be able to gain your trust again....i want to be your friend jen...... but its really up to you.... if you decide to not try it then please take into consideration that i swear on the great times we had, that i mean what i say...
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
i am just letting you know how to feel i'm not trying to say i had it worse... obviousl i hurt you really bad. and i can really never expect you to forgive me for that. but plese just know that i mean what i say
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
so really its up to you where it goes from here....but i really needed to let you know how i felt for both our sakes
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well i dont think i would be able to live with myself if i ever put you through anything like this again...... i know thats another thing you cant believe but i honestly still feel love for you and i dont want to ever hurt the ones i love.....and i would buy you 3,000 plush fish if i ever did again
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
but i really couldnt do this to you again i really couldnt
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
look if you want i will leave you alone and you wont hear a peep from me or even see me.....but if you ever want to try.... i would be more than willing....i owe you the world for what i did to you and i just want you to feel that you dont have to be hurt angry or scared
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
but thats the thing i dont want you to hate me.....i wanna do whatever it would take for you to trust me again.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
and i am not trying to sway you to be my friend.... its totally up to you...... this whole time from when i said " talk to me when your ready" till now i havnt said a bad thing about you.... and if you choose not to be my friend i will respect your wishes totally.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well would you have prefered never knowing what i thought at all?
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well i want you to believe me...... if i didnt give a shit i woulda let it be... and never spoken to you again...instead i pined over this for some time... fearing to hear what you told me tonight
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
i wronged you.... i know i did... but i wanna do everything in my power to make things better.
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
well alas it remains up to you.... you could just not have anything to do with me, or maybe we could give being friends a try..... and if we try and you still hate me the i will leave you alone. i can give you as much time as you need
cause it's... TROGDOR!!!! says:
ok.... and once again i am sorry i brought this all on you tongiht... well i am not sorry i did it.... but i'm sorry you had to stay up and listen to me

So, now it comes time to make one of the hardest decisions ever for me. Should I or should I not be friends with him again? Everyone who I've cried to about this has said that I am a baby cuz this is an easy decision to make. Is it really? Will said I need to grow up. Don't you think I'd love to be able to make a decision easy as pie? I would. I just can't seem to make one. I think that I would like to be friends again... but what if this happens again? I think that I would not like to be friends again... but what if that is the wrong decision? We have mutual friends and that would be awkward. I don't even know if I made the right decision by telling Sean that I didn't to be his friend anymore, but I did and look where that led. Nowhere good. He's such an ass! Would things have been better if I was his friend again? Why is he acting the way he is? If I tell Kevin that I don't want to be his friend, will he act like Sean? Why can't this just be an easy decision like everyone says it is? Leya, Kevin D, Will, Lauren... they all think I'm an idiot for not making a decision. I even blocked Leya on MSN today so I wouldn't have to talk to her cuz I know she'd talk to me about this. What am I doing? Why can't I pick a side? I'm afraid of being hurt again. I'm scared. But he is a really great person and I did value his friendship but what if this happens all over again? I have no emotional energy at all and I haven't since November. I couldn't deal with this if it happened again. I'd curl up in a ball on the ground and cry. Why can't I decide? Why is it so hard to do? Why can't I be mature about this? I'm so afraid. Why can't I handle this? He hurt me so much and, even though I know the truth now, I can't shake the feeling that I didn't mean anything to him at all. I can't trust him anymore. How can I be sure he's telling the truth? Yes, his words sound sincere and all but how can I be 100% sure? I am not emotionally stable and he had to do this right before my two crazy exam days. How can I decide? What should I decide? Why is this so hard to do?
If anyone wants to give me their two cents (or just yell at me for being a moron), you can send me an e-mail ---> JeN
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 7:45 p.m. | | permalink
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