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my thoughts

I can't believe that what I feel is really happening to me
Make it hurt
And point the finger at my insecurities
Well I guess I just don't understand about those complexities in your mind
And I guess I just don't understand why this world seems so unkind
Maybe just once I get what's coming to me.

**"Maybe Just Once" - Nine Inch Nails**

Friday, November 22, 2002

Hmm... I feel sad today and I'm not really sure why. Perhaps it is because I have my huge French test coming up in three measly little hours and I'm pretty sure I am going to fail no matter how much I study (though there really is no way to study for this test). I should be feeling happy though cuz this week has been pretty decent. Tomorrow, Jasmine is coming over and we're going to watch the "Muppet Family Christmas" and it will be fun. Still, I am feeling sad. Maybe it's cuz I keep thinking of 'people' and what went wrong. It still upsets me so, I guess it's time to face reality and come to the conclusion that, no I am not okay with this yet. Will I ever be? I wish Will was here. I'd like to talk to him even though there isn't much he could say to make me feel better. No, that's not right. He makes me feel better just by being there. How I miss him! I kind of wish he wasn't Kevin's best friend so then he couldn't tell me other views of my bitchiness. Well, at least he lets me vent. *sad little smile* I shouldn't even be posting here cuz I really should be studying but I felt like I had to let something out. I don't even know what cuz I don't have anything to say except to restate the fact that I am sad and I don't know why. Possibly 'people'... most likely that. Wow, it's getting late and I should study cuz that rédaction (don't know what it is in english) is rapidly approaching. Why do I feel so depressed? I wish I had an answer cuz then maybe I could make myself feel better. I want to sit and cry somewhere. Maybe if I had done that last weekend at home I would have been feeling better now, but I didn't feel like crying at home. What is wrong with me? I hate emotions! They always get the better of me and I wish they would leave me in peace for a little while. It's really cold in my room too, which is a change cuz it's usually really hot. I wish I could be happy for a bit. I don't even remember the last time I was really truly happy all over. I think Thanksgiving at Tim's house might have been it. That day I had a lot of fun. :) Okay, now my nose is getting that tingly feeling that tells me I'm going to cry soon. I am just making myself feel worse by wallowing in my own self-pity like a pig in a mud puddle. What else can I do? It's either let it out or bottle it up and I promised Will I would stop bottling (is that even a word?). I don't even know what else to write except for the fact that I feel I have to write something to let this all out. How can I tell Will that I'm not okay yet when, all my life it's been so much easier to pretend that "I'm fine" (to quote Kristen... hee hee). It's so much easier to let people think that I have no problems cuz then they don't have to get involved. I know that's what friends are for and whatnot but, I just want to keep things to myself and let everyone know that I am emotionally stable. I even took the link to this blog off of my MSN profile. It'll probably be better that way, even though enough of my friends know it exists. Why did I tell anyone? I don't even know. Maybe, somewhere in the back of my mind, I want everyone to know that I'm sad. So far the only person I've been able to tell is Will and that was just very very recently-- Well, maybe not. We did have that really good conversation on that bus trip when we went to Europe two years ago. Either way, I've only been recently able to open up to him again and it was so hard for me to do. Now I'd better go study so I can maybe stand a chance at passing this rédaction. And now everyone will just think I have mental problems or something... I'm okay, or at least I will be eventually.
JeN's mind ejaculated @ 11:56 a.m. | | permalink
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