Maybe Just Once

2010-07-30T16:07:00.001-04:00

Haven't died. Just gave up on this weblog. Too many issues. If anyone used to follow this, thank you and so long! :)

2007-04-16T18:39:00.000-04:00

Naughty schoolgirls and schoolboys pub night was this past Saturday.

*stupid link of the day* Alibi Network: have you ever wanted to be somewhere but not get caught doing so? This website supports lying on all sides!

2007-03-14T02:06:00.000-04:00

It's been a while. A very busy bunny I have been. I've had assignments and presentations out the wazoo. I've still got another presentation for my ethics class and a research paper on video games for my technology class and then come finals. Does it ever end? Well, in a way, I don't want it to end. I'm not ready to no longer be a student. I've been one for almost two decades now (I'm counting kindergarten) and it's really all I've ever known. I'm nervous.

Unfortunately, I must keep this short. Just wanted to let anyone who is still left reading this that I'm still alive. I've been visiting you all but I just haven't had any time to comment. I haven't even really had time to play my Wii! Twilight Princess is suffering without me. I did find out that there's a rumour going around that Nintendo may be re-releasing the Wii next year in different colours. I wonder if there's a way for them to transfer the hard drive. I wouldn't mind a black one or a lime green one.

Pfeff and I are still doing well. He enjoys reminding me who is boss. One hint: it's not me. The roomies, myself, and some other friends have a night planned out at a club outside of Toronto on the 24th. It'll be nice to get out of town for a while. I could use the fun. It's a pretty fancy place that caters to mostly a 25+ crowd. I'm glad there won't be any annoying nineteen-year olds squealing.

My self-imposed celibacy streak is still going strong. Anyone I even entertain the thought of ending it with just gets too annoying to even bother attempting. If only my mother would stop with the "there are other fish in the sea" spiel. I'm not looking for anyone. I won't be for a while. I'm actually pretty happy with being single. I'm more so worried about what I'm going to do after school is over. Worries never end.

*stupid link of the day* PikiPimp: this is one of the most fun photo editing websites I've ever played around with! I'm sure you'll spend way too much time here.

2007-02-16T17:33:00.000-05:00

Amazon.com is in trouble with the Humane Society in the US. Sadly, I have a wishlist at Amazon and I can't believe they actually condone the selling of items such as these. I am debating over terminating my account now.
article

*stupid link of the day* Cinnabun's Story: okay, it's not really a stupid link since it's actually a very nice one. I am not able to read this little bun's story without bawling. I'm so glad it has a happy ending!

2007-02-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

I don't like Valentine's Day for many reasons. One of those reasons being which it is a holiday that intentionally leaves people out and not because of differing religions. February 14th is just another jab in the gut to prove that it is socially unacceptable to be single. If you're not dating someone then there must be something wrong with you for no one to want to be with you. While the original reason for Valentine's Day was not to feel compelled to tell someone you love them, that is what it has become. It is also a gendered day. Women are not expected to get men anything, but we are expected to be greedy and demand material items and to be hurt and depressed if we do not receive anything from those we are involved with or if we do not have anyone to demand goods from.

It's hard for me to articulate the difficulties of being single to my roommate who has only ever had one boyfriend in her life and she is still with him. It is hard to explain in words of how someone who you put your utmost trust and faith in can reject you and everything you are, crushing you in an instant. She has never experienced that feeling of profound loss.

While I do appreciate the fact that she got me a February 14th gift, it's hard for me to say that I don't celebrate this "holiday" but to have her and other people continue to bombard me with Valentine's day items, even though all of them were very funny and sweet! I mean, we don't send Jewish people Christmas cards expecting them to just smile and sit through it. We don't expect Australians to set off fireworks on Canada Day. So why is it that a day like today, it is still seen as acceptable to press a celebration onto someone even if they do not believe in it?

Although it does seem trite to say that "every day should be Valentine's Day" instead of the idea of enforced affection that much of society is so fond of, to me, having a day specifically designed to make others feel like lesser beings just so that companies like Hallmark and Lindor can make big bucks irritates me and I choose not to be a part of it.

*stupid link of the day* Wiivenge: make them pay! so maybe be using this website as a personal venting place isn't quite what it was meant to be for

2007-02-08T22:57:00.000-05:00

Jenny Owen Youngs has written the best love song ever. It sums up every relationship I've ever had and probably the ones I've yet to have as well. If you'd like to listen to the song, I've uploaded it online, so just click HERE.

Fuck Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs

Love grows in me like a tumour
Parasites bent on devouring its host
I'm developing my sense of humour
Till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth
Till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love plows through me like a 'dozer
I've got more give than a bale of hay
And there's always a big mess left over
With the "what did you do?" and the "what did you say?"
"What did you do?" and the "what did you say?"

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the special one that doesn't get burned
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love tears me up like a demon
Opens the wounds and fills them with lead
And I'm having some trouble just breathing
If we weren't such good friends I think that I'd hate you
If we weren't such good friends I'd wish you were dead

Skillet on the stove is such a temptation
Maybe I'll be the lucky one that doesn't get burned
What the fuck was I thinking?

Love is so embarrassing
I'm this awkward and uncomfortable thing
I'm running out of places to hide
What the fuck was I thinking?
(You know that i've got what you want)

*stupid link of the day* Dog Poop Calendar: this is one wall-piece that would definitely draw attention.

2007-01-30T12:09:00.000-05:00

Show some emotion for once! All I really wanted is something, anything, that would show he's not some sort of fucking robot. Again, I expected too much. I got nothing from him. I never did. I am so angry right now that I don't even know what words I could use short of pounding on my keyboard. All I want is for you to understand how you made me feel. I want you to hurt as badly as I did and still do. I don't know how you've stayed alive so long while being devoid of all feeling.

I hope you get an incurable disease while you're on vacation, you fucker! Even better if it's from your girlfriend! And that I get to keep your cat! Also, learn the proper use of the apostrophe!

I don't even care if he reads that. Yes, I am being immature and petty but it's my weblog and I can cry if I want to. So there! Besides, writing it made me feel better.

A Brief Illustration Of Woe

Love is introducing someone to your inner child (if you will pardon such a nauseating cliché). Love is taking the intrinsic part of you that is love, in its truest and purest sense, out of the armour-plated box. The inner toddler, to which Deceit, Betrayal, Hurt, Loss, Disappointment and Vengeance have no meaning. Love is letting him take that small child for a walk.
The depravity of the human heart is when he takes that toddler and pushes it gently in front of a freight train.
-- from Vicious Romantic @ Love Is A Cunt

Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing we started out friends
It was cool but it was all pretend
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

You dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah yeah
Since you've been gone

And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

[chorus]
But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on
Yeah, yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get what I want
Since you've been gone

How can I put it?
You put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah
Since you've been gone

How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
I guess you never felt that way

[chorus]

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

[chorus]
Since you've been gone...

*stupid link of the day* Don't Date Him Girl: "This site has been the subject of international media attention... a powerful online community of women from around the world... You will find informative articles about dating and relationships; advice to help you make better decisions in finding a man you love; a live chat area where members can exchange experiences in real-time and of course, the postings of hundreds of thousands of women who are creating a global sisterhood on the Internet!" (thanks, Lauren)

2007-01-27T04:11:00.000-05:00

The truth: god* hates me. It's been established. Remember how, in life, once you're finally well on your way to getting over someone who hurt you, they end up getting in contact with you again in some way? Yeah, that. Has "Sex and the City" ever educated me well when it comes to heterosexual relationships.

*whatever higher power, be it a he, she, or an it, that you happen to believe in, if you even believe in a higher power

I e-mailed the Pod's mom to tell her to tell him about the George RR Martin tv series and about a book both he and I were waiting to come out in softcover. Sadly, for both those things, he was the first person I wanted to tell when I found out. Since he doesn't have yours truly around anymore to inform him of things such as this and to force him to read, I thought I'd be kind and let him know through his mother.

So I log onto Facebook today and I have a message. From him. He thanked me for letting him know about the book stuff. How did he know I have an account on Facebook? I only signed up sometime in the middle of December when I was stalling on studying for finals. Also I couldn't resist the urge to look at his account. Well, what I could see of it anyway. There's only 1 friend on there that I can see and it's a girl who is probably his new girlfriend since he seems to pick up new bitches rather quickly. I found out he's going to Cuba, most likely with the possible new girlfriend. Once I saw my facebook message was from him, I burst into tears. I'm actually still very upset. I haven't cried over him in about 2 months. Until today. Fuck.

Do I reply to his message? Do I just ignore it? If I do reply, should I do it over facebook or should I be the (sort of) bigger person and actually send an e-mail? Should I be really bitter and let him know that he's completely fucked up my life because I can't even go out on a freaking date* with a guy without being all paranoid and not being able to trust anything the guy says or does. Do I let him know that I can't relax around men now. I don't trust them anymore, not even a little bit. I feel like if I ever let my guard down and relax, then the guy will tear everything to pieces. I can't do this. I don't even know what I'll do if I find out he still reads here on occasion (he didn't do it when we were dating so why would he do it now?).

*I don't do "dates" per se, but I have tried the one on one hanging out thing

So yeah, now I've been crying for the past hour and nothing is making me feel better. When I e-mailed his mom that book info, I wrote that she didn't even have to say she heard it from me. It was the only time EVER that I had mentioned him in an e-mail to her. I don't want to stop talking to her because I really like her and I'm sure that she would never ever mention anything to him about contacting me to thank me. Even if she didn't say who the info was from, I'm sure he could guess. However, normal people wouldn't track me down on facebook to thank me! Normal people would realize how fucked up it would be if they contacted me again and how miserable it would make me. Normal people would just leave me alone!

I'm so upset right now. On top of that, Pfeffer has to go to the vet this afternoon so I can find out what's wrong with him. Everything sucks.

Something else that sucks is wishing a sad goodbye to those whose writing I have come to love. Farewell to Bliatz and to Kal, whom I will never forget for stressing that the brain is the sexiest part of the human body. So long to Freya whose sweet words can sum up a million beautiful memories. I wish you all well with your lives!

*stupid link of the day* Spiders On Drugs: have you ever wondered if the webs spiders create differ if the spider has been introduced to chemicals?

2007-01-25T00:31:00.000-05:00

A Pfeffer and Missy video! it even includes a binky... that was not quite caught on camera so watch at around 0:58. Yeah, it's not the most interesting video around but it amused Devon and I and that's all that matters!

I've been feeling pretty off lately. I just have no motivation to do anything. Today I got an e-mail from the Pod's mother letting me know that there's been a new addition to their family: a rabbit. The Pod's little brother and his girlfriend got themselves a rabbit. Hopefully it won't meet the same doom that Whiskerless George Foo-Foo did. She did send me pictures of the adorable little bun. That makes two new members of that family I'll never get to meet. *sigh* I also asked his mother to tell him a couple things that I know he'd like to be aware of: a book both he and I were waiting over a year to come out in softcover finally has (and through a website about the authors I've just found out that there's another book from the series out already), and that a book series he and I both enjoyed has been picked up by HBO to become a television series. Is it weird that I still want him to know about those things? Yes... and no. When I found out, he was the first person I wanted to tell. After all this time and still he's the one I want to tell. Arg! It's frustrating and emotionally draining. One day it'll all go away. One day that can't come too soon.

I've also been offered the opportunity to try something I've never tried before. I'm not entirely sure if I'll be taking advantage of the offer though since it may end up getting a little complicated. Do I really want a fuck buddy? Granted, I'm not getting any but, then again, I'm not really looking to get any either. There's always the chance that emotions may get tangled up (he's a couple years younger than I am) and right now we're just friends who flirt a lot but it's all in good fun. Do I really want to run the risk of losing someone who is fun to hang out with? If I'm not exactly seeking anything physical then what is the point of having it available? Of course, the offer has been laid on the table but neither he nor I has claimed it yet. I don't even like the guy in *that* way. I mean, he's not ugly at all, but he's not really the kind of guy I usually go for and he's definitely not someone I could ever have a long-term relationship with. Getting older means things get more and more complex.

*stupid link of the day* the Flying Spaghetti Monster: so I feel like having a religious post here but, then again, so many other people flaunt their religion so why can't I show off my own?

2007-01-18T05:44:00.000-05:00

Coffee date with some pals from school tonight. Allison, Devon, Ayesh and I spent some time at one of the many Tim Horton's around here from about 11:30pm till 2:30am. I really adore these girls. We have a great time together and I'll miss them after I'm finished with school. Among many other things, one of the topics we covered was different types of friends. Most people have at least one friend that they don't want to see every day, like the friend you only go partying with. That person is great to have around when you're at the bar but you would never call them up just to chat or to go see a movie. We've all got friends who we don't want to see very much of and that we can only stand in small doses. Of course, no one would ever admit that to the person.

On our coffee date, we established that we're all pretty good friends since we like to get together as often as possible, which usually turns out to be at least once or twice a week (excluding Devon and I since we live together and see each other pretty much every day). We like to go out to the bar and we like to just sit around and talk. We even have television dates for shows we like to watch. Devon and I like to watch Miami Ink on Tuesday nights together; Wednesdays used to be America's Next Top Model night with Allison, Linda and Ayesh; Thursdays is Grey's Anatomy night with Allison; and Ayesh, Dev and I watch The L Word as soon as I can download the next episode of season 4 (which is currently only airing in the States). I've found some good friends in these girls. None of them are the kind of person I would hesitate to call up to go out for coffee or to go dancing with or even just to talk.

So, different kinds of friends get different kids of treatments. But what do you do when you're stuck spending time with someone you can only take so much of? I guess that's the blessing of the internet since you can interact with those kinds of people but in a limited form. What are the kinds of people you know and you can only stand so much of? I don't like the type of people who can only talk about themselves, the type who take over things that aren't theirs, nor the type who presume that all parties involved are interested in doing the things that person wants to do at all times. Sometimes people just annoy me.

Pictures to make me feel better now! #1 = Pfeff and I on our one-year anniversary. #2 = Devon tried to hide Pfeffer's food dish but he found it in an awkward place. #3 = nose rubs! #4 = parsley head bunny.

On a separate note, I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. It promotes internet stalking. Okay, not really, but it is kind of neat to see what some people I used to go to elementary school or highschool or university are up to. So I guess that's kind of like internet stalking? However, I am sick of people adding me as a "friend" on Facebook and then never messaging me or anything to say hi. I think it's become a popularity contest now to see who has the most "friends" or something. I thought the whole idea of the website was to help people keep in contact with others. At least you can restrict people from viewing certain things. Everyone who doesn't make an effort to say hi gets restricted and, so far, no one has mentioned anything to me about it. Shows how much they care about keeping in touch. Oy...

~CANADIAN MUSIC~

When - Shania Twain

If elephants could fly I'd be a little more optimistic
But I don't see that happening anytime soon
I don't mean to sound so pessimistic
But I don't think that cow really jumped over the moon
When will I wake up?
Why did we break up?
When will we make up?

[chorus]
When money grows on trees
People live in peace
Everyone agrees
When happiness is free
Love can guarantee
You'll come back to me
That's when

I'd love to wake up smiling
Full of the joys of spring
And hear on CNN that Elvis lives again
And that John's back with the Beatles and they're going out on tour
I'll be the first in line for tickets
Gotta see that show for sure

When will I wake up?
Why did we break up?
When will we make up?

[chorus]

When will I wake up?
Why did we break up?
When will we make up?

[chorus]

*stupid link of the day* Gallery of the Absurd: okay, today's post involves Rachael Ray being compared to a "perky demented food chipmunk" and I completely agree! This website is filled with some strange art that seems to be based on North American pop culture and celebrity gossip. (thanks orchidea!)

2007-01-11T04:09:00.000-05:00

Disappearance caused by Wii obsession. I will admit it. My arm muscles have been sore on and off for days now. I've smashed my finger into a piece of furniture, I've strained a muscle in my shoulder, and I've whipped myself in the forehead with the cord that connects the Wiimote and the Nunchuk. I even had trouble bending my right wrist for three days straight because my tendons hurt so much. So if anyone out in the world wide web misses me, now you know where I've gone. If I'm not playing Wii, then I'm probably at the doctor's trying to figure out how to avoid getting carpal tunnel syndrome due to this console.

I spent three hours trying to figure out a temple in Zelda: Twilight Princess (Jasmine, if Todd doesn't know, then please tell him there's a free game guide up on IGN), I've played countless mini-games in Barnyard, I've swung the controller like a fiend playing Wii Sports, I found a character glitch in Marvel: Ultimate Alliance, and I've broken into a sweat trying to get through some courses in Excite Truck.

I Never Loved You Anyway - the Corrs

You bored me with your stories
I can't belive that I endured you for as long as I did
I'm happy it's over
I'm only sorry that I didn't make the move before you

And when you go I will remember
To send a thank you note to that girl
I see she's holding you so tender
Well I just wanna say...

[chorus]
I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I'm so glad you're moving away

Valentino, I don't think so
You watching MTV while I lie dreaming in an "MT" bed
And come to think of it, I was misled
My flat, my food, my everything and thoughts inside my head

Before you go I must remember
To have a quiet word with that girl
Does she know you're not a spender?
Well I just have to say...

[chorus]
Yeah, I am
Yeah, I am

And when you go I will remember
I must remember to say...
I never really loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I never really loved you anyway
I never loved you anyway
No I didn't love you anyway
Never truly loved you anyway
I'm so happy you're moving away
Yeah I'm delighted you're moving away
*stupid link of the day* Weird Fortune Cookie Collection: have you ever gotten a fortune in a cookie that just didn't make any sense? well, submit 'em to this website! or just read some mind-bogglers. (thanks, Sean)

2007-01-04T04:33:00.000-05:00

A post from my Wii on my wireless internet connection. How cool is that? The answer is: very.

2007-01-02T15:20:00.000-05:00

Wii, is all I need to write.
I got one for Christmas. Zelda: Twilight Princess and I are having an argument because I am stuck in an area and I am frustrated. I love my Wii.

Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails

I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears
My favourite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

[Chorus:]
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I'm down to just one thing
And I'm starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make it all go away
I just want something
I just want something I can never have

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now
This thing is slowly taking me apart
Grey would be the colour if I had a heart

Come on tell me

[Chorus]

In this place it seems like such a shame
Though it all looks different now
I know it's still the same
Everywhere I look you're all I see
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be

Come on tell me

[Chorus]
I just want something I can never have
*stupid link of the day* Wii Have A Problem: it causes damage, it causes frustration, it tears apart families... And this is still a great Wii information website!

2006-12-16T20:01:00.000-05:00

I'm going on a holiday hiatus. I most likely won't be writing anything while I'm at home. It's easier that way. I'll be back once the new school term starts up in January. I do hope that everyone has a lovely holiday or a lovely end of December if you don't celebrate anything. I'd like to thank everyone who has left me a little gift in my "stocking". I'm sure to have a merry Christmas now!
And now for a little Christmas Pfeffer (click to enlarge) and some Christmas music...

Last Christmas - Wham

[chorus]
Last Christmas I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

Once bitten and twice shy
I keep my distance
But you still catch my eye
Tell me, baby
Do you recognize me?
Well, it's been a year
It doesnt surprise me
I wrapped it up and sent it
With a note saying "I love you", I meant it
Now I know what a fool Ive been
But if you kissed me now
I know you'd fool me again

[chorus]

A crowded room
Friends with tired eyes
I'm hiding from you
And your soul of ice
My God' I thought you were
Someone to rely on
Me, I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore me apart
Now I've found a real love
You'll never fool me again

[chorus x2]

A face on a lover with a fire in his heart
A man undercover but you tore him apart
Maybe next year I'll give it to someone
I'll give it to someone special

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for JeN

get your stocking

*stupid link of the day* The Greatest Christmas Story Ever Told: if you recall He-Man and/or Shera from the 1980s then you will definitely appreciate this holiday tale, courtesy of fourfour
*another link* Best Christmas Lights Display Ever: just because I absolutely love watching this video. It must have taken SO much work just to film it.

2006-12-10T20:08:00.000-05:00

I can't stop thinking about you, you asshole. You will not leave my brain alone. You and your family are constantly on my mind. It doesn't help that I am going to mail something back to your mother in return for the card she sent me. I hate that I can't think of anything else besides you. I am getting very very sick of writing about you but you've taken over anything I ever had resembling a creative outlet. I hate thinking about you, I hate feeling things for you, I hate missing you, and I really hate writing about you. This place should not be housing any more words about you. I am sick of words about you. Please, leave my brain alone. Just leave me alone. I am sick of this.

If I didn't write, would I end up exploding? It's not that I can't function, because I can. It's not that I can't think of anything other than you, because I can. It's just that you end up being the one thought that surfaces most often and I am exhausted trying to hold it back. I don't want to think about anything anymore. I'm tired and it hurts. I wish I could hate you. It's easier to hate me for giving in all the time. I bought December's issue of Maxim because Angelina is on the cover. I spent 5.99$ + tax for three measly pages and old pictures of her. If I had still been with you, I could have stolen your copy. Even the obsession with my darling has your taint on it. I am sick and tired of thinking of you. Go away.

Joan Jett, one of the sexiest female rockstars around!

I Hate Myself For Loving You - Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
(Joan Jett/Desmond Child)

Midnight gettin' uptight, where are you
You said you'd meet me now it's quarter to two
I know I'm hangin' but I'm still wantin' you

Hey Jack, it's a fact they're talkin' in town
I turn my back and you're messin' around
I'm not really jealous, don't like lookin' like a clown

I think of you every night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away...

[chorus]
I hate myself for loving you
Can't break free from the the things that you do
I wanna walk but I run back to you
That's why I hate myself for loving you

Daylight spent the night without you
But I've been dreamin' 'bout the lovin' you do
I won't be as angry 'bout the hell you put me through

Hey man, betcha can treat me right
You just don't know what you was missin' last night
I wanna see you beggin', say "forget it" just for spite

[chorus]

I think of you every night and day
You took my heart then you took my pride away...

[chorus]

©2001 Blackheart Records
*stupid link of the day* Boba Fett's Rap Song: of all the characters, why is Boba Fett chosen as the one to rap? Pfff who cares? He's great. Even MC Chris of "Fett's Vette" fame knows it.

2006-12-06T18:36:00.000-05:00

There was a weird quarter in my wallet yesterday. I was digging through my change to find the right amount for parking (3$) and I pulled out a 1982 quarter that looked a little warped. The side of the quarter with the caribou on it looked mis-shapen so I flipped the coin over to see writing neatly pressed into the Queen's head. Whoever had done it must have made some sort of heated press since the lettering is done very neatly and evenly. Who would take the time to make their own mini-press for metal? The writing on the quarter says "you virgin". I don't understand the point of damaging a coin nor of what is pressed into the coin, but I find it very interesting.

I'm still feeling rather down about everything. Mostly, I'm doing fine but there are those moments where I just can't help crying and letting myself be sad. There are more of those moments than I'd like there to be, but at least they aren't an all day every day type of thing. It helps that in a few very short days, it has officially become winter here. It's been snowing on and off for three days now. Doesn't help that I called home to ask what the weather was like only to hear that it has yet to snow enough to stick. Looks like I'm finally going to have to start wearing my winter coat.

On a completely separate note, my darling Shay is hosting a contest to find the best "S Spot Xmas Cock/Cunt" and she is looking for some holiday submissions (which I get to help judge). So if you've got a bit of an exhibitionist streak in you and are rather imaginative, then please do send her a picture of your privates decked out in their holiday best. Extra points for creativity and a winter/holiday theme is a must. I encourage all those brave souls to get out there and try to win that prize. If enough people enter the contest then Shay just might make the prize a little bit bigger as encouragement. Monday evening, I called into the RobOnt Radio show to wish Rob a happy birthday. It was pretty fun to finally get to talk to them. Perhaps those of you who visited through the RobOnt website would be willing to send in some pictures instead of just looking at them? Us judges don't care about the size, shape or condition of your bits just as long as they express some original wintery cheer. Here's looking forward to seeing some submissions in the near future!

[update] Chris just checked the mail and it seems that the Pod's mother has sent me a Christmas card. The card has bunnies on it! And, most importantly, note that she signed it from every member of her immediate family (dog, cats, and hamster included) EXCEPT for the Pod. I feel so loved!

Down So Long - Jewel

Sun sets 'cross the ocean
I'm a thousand miles from anywhere
My pocketbook and my heart both just got stolen
And the sun acts like she don't even care
The wind blows cold when you reach for the top
It feels like someone's face is stuck to the bottom of my shoe
I got a plastic Jesus, a cordless telephone for every corner of my room
Got everybody but you telling me what to do

[chorus]
But I've been down so long
Oh, it can't be longer still
I've been down so long
That the end must be drawing near

I look to everybody but me to answer my prayers
'Til I saw an angel in a bathroom
Who said she saw no one worth saving anywhere
And a blind man on the corner said
It's simple, like flipping a coin
Don't matter what side it lands on if it's someone else's dime

[chorus]

I take a trip, I catch a train, I catch a plane
I got a ticket in my hand
And then a man takes my money
And like cattle we all stand

But we've been down so long
Ooh, it can't be longer still
We've been down so long
The end must be...
I know the end must be...
Oh, I know the end must be drawing near
Oh the end...
*stupid link of the day* Lightning Exits Woman's Bottom: so I guess it really is possible to fart lightning!

2006-12-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

Remember when you would humour me so? Pushing your buttons was such a major source of fun for me. Almost all of it was a constant test to see how much you could take. You were the only one who would answer back whenever I'd say "merp" in order to get your attention. Remember how you'd laugh at the way I'd snatch my hand back when you'd try to hold it in public. And yet you never once mentioned the fact that I was a hypocrite if I so decided that it was momentarily acceptable. You never once walked away whenever I gave stuffed animals voices and personalities, each one a little different. You answered them back and would give them belly rubs if they so asked. You even went very out of your way on a mission to get me this and to take me to a concert of my favourite band, whom you didn't even particularily like.

Do you remember the very first time you came to visit me and you hunted through three stores before you were able to find this simply because I told you it was one of the only types I would accept. Why give a gift that dies in a week? My mom thought it was the sweetest thing. I dried it and gave it to a friend instead. Remember how I was so eager to shower her with gifts since buying for a girl is much easier than buying for a guy. Do you recall how I had to keep one thing for myself and how amusing you found it.

Does this day stand out in your memory? You told me you hadn't been there in years. That moose certainly must have gotten a show. I still couldn't believe you invited me here and that me going actually turned out to be very fun. Though I didn't sleep well and had to be awake well before seeing this each day (learn how to shut off your own damn alarm), I had a blast. Even when you tried to be suicidal by making an effort to be friends with him. That may not have succeeded but I did end up winning her over, much to my relief.

Do you remember how you dragged me to places like this and laughed when I told you how appalled I was at the decor. You took me to meet your friends and I got the chance to out-nerd myself by having that extended conversation with him about a galaxy far far away. I grumbled this entire weekend while surrounded by rednecks. The only reason I had fun was because you were there, even though you made me slow dance. Now everytime I hear that still overplayed song, I think of our first and only dance.

At least I still have the memory of me being able to convince you to accompany me somewhere you didn't really want to go. It reminded me of why I don't like to shop when I'm with boys. Maybe if you had been able to find an area that sold things like her you would have had more fun there. I'm not sure if I regret never getting on her or not. At least you were almost as excited about them as I was.

Do you remember how you'd phone me at 3:00am because you didn't think I'd be able to get home after spending a night with something similar to this. You were worried and just didn't want to admit it. I'm sure worrying was the last thing on your mind the day I got this just to impress you. Plus the many fun times with things like these. You were also the first one to ever buy me this type of thing. I still don't know exactly what you were thinking when you opened your birthday present to find her in there. I think I was more excited than you were. Same with every new strip featuring them. We definitely should have spent more time doing a little of this and a lot more of that.

Remember how we shared the irritation of the Debbosh and how you didn't quite see the so-called Holy Son in here. Recall my obsession with her and how you were kind enough to go hunting for and pick me up that copy of "W" and then had to carry it around with you all evening, causing you to lose masculinity points but gain major boyfriend points. I do wonder what your honest opinion was of them because they sure let me know how they feel about you.

You must recall the sheer silliness of the way we first exchanged those three little words. I still stand by the fact that I won the bet. Or a memory from even earlier on from that very first video game-filled night where, standing in your kitchen and wrapped in your arms, I adamantly denied that I may possibly like you. If neither of those ring a bell, then Christmas should trigger something, like you being profoundly glad I own men's clothing after the unfortunate animal urine incident.

Do you remember the hundreds of other fun times we had. You making fun of me for hating scary movies, fooling around after my parents went to bed, the trips you'd take just to see me, making me feel like a princess (even though someone a little fluffier had the title first).

Remember the day you fucking turned into someone else who didn't want me around and had no fucking explanation for why! If you don't remember, I sure as hell do. A thousand recollections and more torn apart, butchered and thrown away to rot. Did all those other memories mean nothing to you? Did I mean nothing to you? Am I just yesterday's news? I guess so. Asshole...

**now here's a song I've been playing over and over. it rings true in so many ways. I'm glad I'll be leaving this city. I won't have to ever feel this way again around here. I'll be leaving his ghost behing as well. This song is amazing. Since the video footage of it is live, I've uploaded the mp3 file HERE. you should definitely give it a listen, especially if you've ever had your heart hurt by someone else before.**

The Jeep Song - the Dresden Dolls
©2002 Amanda Palmer

I've been driving around town
With my head spinning around
Everywhere I look I see
Your '96 jeep cherokee

You're a bully and a clown
You made me cry and put me down
After all that I've been through
You'd think I'd hate the sight of you

But with every jeep I see
My broken heart still skips a beat
I guess its just my stupid luck
That all of Boston drives the same black fucking truck

It could be him or am I tripping
And I'm crashing into everything
And thinking about skipping town a while
Until these cars go out of style

I try to see it in reverse
It makes the situation hundreds of times worse
When I wonder if it makes you want to cry
Every time you see a light blue Volvo driving by

So don't tell me if you're off to see the world
I know you wont get very far
Don't tell me if you get another girl baby
Just tell me if you get another car

The number of them is insane
Every exit's an exboyfriend memory lane
Every major street's a minor heart attack
I see a red jeep and I want to paint it black

It could be him or am I tripping
And I'm crashing into everything
I can't wait til you trade the damn thing in
By then they will have put me in the looney bin

It could be him my heart is pounding
It's just no use I'm surrounded
But someday I'll steal your car and switch the gears
And drive that Cherokee straight off this trail of tears

songs from the Break-Up List so far

Shakira - Illegal
Jann Arden - Insensitive
Pink - Who Knew
Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending
Goldfinger - Counting the Days
No Doubt - Ex-Girlfriend
Patti Smyth - Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
Poe - Angry Johnny
Roxette - It Must Have Been Love
Janis Joplin - Piece of my Heart
Jakalope - Go Away
the Dresden Dolls - the Jeep Song

*stupid link of the day* You Left Me After Ten Years, Now I'm Trying To Get Over You, Asshole (a break up tale): "I'm navel gazing, I'm on the break up diet, I am woman, hear me roar then whimper. On September 27th, you left like we were in some f'ing Telemundo soap, you drama queen. You told me you're not in love with me after 10 years. Well, I'm smoking again but still have my sobriety and Zoloft. I'm rearranging the furniture, I'm weeping on the subway, I'm doing this for anyone else who's gotten the shaft. I'm just what this world needs: five kinds of crazy, heartbroken and writin' a blog." And just the kind of woman I need right now!

2006-11-27T03:22:00.000-05:00

I still suffer from bouts of sadness where tears sting my eyes and cloud my vision. If only each droplet that falls was able to dull my memories of you. At any given moment something will happen that will trigger another thought of you and I feel pain once more. Each day that passes, I'd like to think it lessens a little, until I hear some song on the radio or think back on the past year and, once more, you flood my brain. Things happen every day and I think of who I could share them with and it's always you you you.

This weekend I went to see "Borat" and one of the previews showing was for a movie called "300". At first I thought it was an advertisement for a video game and I perked up. The movie looks amazing and I am thinking about taking a look around for the graphic novel it is based upon. It is the type of movie that I would want to see with you. I see bits and pieces online about the upcoming "Harry Potter & the Order of the Phoenix" film and I think about how I was supposed to force you to read them and how you told me you've only ever seen the other HP movies with girlfriends. Each movie with a different girl. I got movie #4. I wonder who you'll see this next one with...

You'd think I'd be okay by now. I want to be okay by now. You are not good enough for any more of my tears so why will so many more of them fall from the thought of you? Each salt-laden droplet was once replaced by a scar. Those red lines have long healed over and have left strips of darkness along my skin. So many tears, so many marks. If you are not good enough for my tears how can you be good enough for my blood? It stirs everytime I realize that you are the first person I want to tell about my day. Always you, every time. Maybe next time will be the one where I'm fine. So many things we shared that now have your taint on them. The sheets on my bed right now are the only ones you had never fucked me on and thank goodness you never will.

Every single day I play with Pfeffer and every single time I remember the day you brought him to me. My beloved baby was because of you. One whole year and five months were spent with you. You you you. I must have shed at least 1000 tears for every single day spent with you. I must have at least half as many scars on my soul and my skin because of you.

I want to say that I'm through, that I'm done. It's oh-so very comforting to know that I now get to mark the anniversary of that day with every period I get. Lucky for me. I could be dwelling and forcing myself to relive this pain over and over. I don't think I am for it has not consumed me. I can still function and I still want to function. One day, hopefully one day soon, the tears I shed will no longer belong to you. Eventually I will be completely free. Slowly I am feeling better. It's been said that it takes half the amount of time spent in the relationship to completely get over that person. Let me hope that this won't take quite that long. One day I will be fine; I always am.
~*CANADIAN MUSIC*~
no embeddable version of this video can be found so click HERE to see it

Go Away - Jakalope

[chorus]
Why do we cry
When there's no more goodbyes
Don't wanna get left behind
Don't wanna be the voice inside

It's suicide to think of you
But I still like the pain
The consequence of losing to you
But I still play the games

But I can see what you do to me
Standing over me, tall
And foolishly I act small
I can't explain how you've got me
Can't explain how you've trapped me
So I take what I can get
Whatever you give me will be the company
I keep when I run run run run from defeat
Oh oh, I wonder

[chorus]

I've sacrificed my own life
Just to see you satisfied
I gave it all up for one more lie
'Til I saw your other side

I can't believe what you do to me
All alone in the crowd
And you can't go back now
Oh I can see this is done
You're irresistibly wrong

So I take what I can get
Whatever you give me will be the company I keep
When I run run run run from defeat
Oh oh, I wonder, oh oh I wonder

[chorus]
*stupid link of the day* Rabbit Chasing Gone Very Wrong: "Squaring a circle and catching a rabbit with your bare hands are the only two things in the world that are impossible. This moron attempts the second and gets what he deserves."

2006-11-24T05:14:00.000-05:00

JeN's review of Super Gerball from Binary Sun

Super Gerball is oddly addicting. I just downloaded the trial version from Binary Sun, off of Binary Moon and it's one of the cutest games I've played in a long time. Reminds me of some of the games from Orisinal combined with the idea of Super Monkey Ball and Kuru Kuru Kururin. The graphics from Super Gerball ran very smoothly on my five-year old computer and everything was displayed well with no glitches or bugs that I could see. The colours are bright and attractive without being annoying. Gerry the gerbil in the ball is absolutely adorable! The scenery in the background is great. The different areas for Gerry to run around in, like a field or a kitchen, are as interesting to the eye as guiding the ball through the mazes. The background music is easy to bob your head to but not so intrusive as to interrupt your concentration of the game. The one downfall was that it just seems to be the same short clip repeated over and over until you decide to block it out (or turn off your speakers, which I did end up doing). The "get ready, go!" sound effect really started to irritate me after a while, but the gerbil's scream of death whenever he fell was priceless.

At first, my spatial orientation was a little thrown off since the game does involve tilting a platform to make Gerry's ball roll. I found myself beginning to tilt my body a bit too. It was a little difficult to play using a mouse and I didn't even want to try with the clumsiness of a keyboard. Once I got the hang of how to work with the mouse sensitvity after much practice, the game became more addicting. The easy levels were very easy, though I will admit I did die on the second one. I think that kids would be interested in playing this game since many of the turns are rounded with "walls" so that the gerbil is unable to fall off each time, while adults will definitely be challenged by the higher diffculty settings. The higher up the diffculty, the more interesting the game became with sharp corners, rotating platforms and the threat of Gerry falling to his doom at any moment. Much of the time I felt the need to finish with a large handful of seconds left on the clock instead of bothering to find all the crystals in the level.

I would have enjoyed more of a little celebratory dance by Gerry at the end of each completed level instead of just him raising his arm in the air. I would have also enjoyed an unlockable password at the end of each level as a reward for completing it instead of making it through a couple levels, dying, and then having to start all over again instead of on the last level you were at. I also didn't like how the ball was so brightly coloured that from far away it was kind hard to tell that there was an actual character inside it. Sometimes if you didn't get up the exact amount of speed, the ball wouldn't roll enough to get over a tiny gap in the road and would stick.

All in all, as a student who is particularily fond of procrastination, this game is an excellent way to make the time fly by. I found myself muttering under my breath every time I failed to complete a level and not noticing the minutes ticking by as I tried "one last time, I swear". I wish the level editor was available in the trial version. I really enjoy making up my own levels even though half the time I make them too difficult for anyone but a pro to get through. If you're looking for a fun and challenging game to play on your computer then you should definitely check out the trial version of Super Gerball. If you wanted the full version, you will have to pay to get it sent to you but, who knows, you may become so addicted to Gerry that you just have to have it!

Piece Of My Heart - Janis Joplin

(Come on…)
Didn't I make you feel like you were the only man, well yeah
And didn't I give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can
Honey, you know I did
And each time I tell myself that I, well I think I've had enough
But I'm gonna show you, baby, that a woman can be tough

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby
Break a...
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah
Have a...
Hey! Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah
You know you got it if it makes you feel good
Oh yes indeed

You're out on the streets looking good, and baby,
Deep down in your heart I guess you know that it ain't right,
Never never never never never never never hear me when I cry at night
Baby, I cry all the time
And each time I tell myself that I, well, I can't stand the pain
But when you hold me in your arms, I'll sing it once again

I'll say come on, come on, come on, come on, yeah take it!
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby
Break a...
Break another little bit of my heart now, darling, yeah
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby, yeah
Well, You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

I need you to come on, come on, come on, come on and take it
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby
Break a...
Break another little bit of my heart, darling, yeah
Have a...
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby
You know you got it
Take a...
Take another little piece of my heart now, baby
Break a...
Break another little bit of my heart, and darling, yeah yeah
Have a...
Have another little piece of my heart now, baby,
You know you got it, child, if it makes you feel good

*link of the day* Super Gerball: free video games from Binary Sun. There are other fun games available too.

2006-11-22T02:08:00.000-05:00

JeN's final e-mail to the Pod Person in response to his reply to the one she had previously sent him whilst intoxicated.

Hi.

Well... that e-mail was embarrassing. I guess I should dignify it with a sober response. I didn't realize I had written that much. My memory was hazy. However, I am rather mortified. The most I can say now is that, yes, you should be sorry. There's really only one thing you could say that would make me feel better (which isn't necessarily what you may be thinking) but I'm quite sure that isn't ever going to happen. Tell anyone you want that I wrote you while intoxicated. I don't really care. There's actually a lot of things I've stopped caring about.

No, I could not have come across the street to [the bar you work at] and yelled at you. It would have made me look and feel stupid. It would also not have made me feel any better. I have no idea what you meant when you wrote that I am the only one you'd let punch you. I'd like to punch you but that wouldn't do anything. A physical bruise would fade quickly. If I were going to hurt you, I'd have to cut you a little deeper. Maybe then you'd have an idea of how I feel. As much as I cringed while going over what I had written to you, alcohol does still bring out honesty since what I wrote was all true; I just didn't necessarily want you to know it. So, yes, I miss you. A lot. Take whatever satisfaction in that you want to. I'm just glad that I'll be leaving this city in April.

I really do feel like I was a big waste of your time. I had no expectations, no plans for the future, and no romanticized ideas. I wasn't aware that you did. Should I have had some sort of relationship talk from the beginning? Would that have been able to prevent things ending the way they did? Was I supposed to establish what page I was on? Did my assumption that things were going well heighten my hopes for a continuing relationship? Was it something I did or said that made it all go downhill? There are so many questions I've been asking myself that I will never have answers for. You really hurt me and you make feel feel like I am worthless. Whether or not that was your intention, unconscious or not, that is what happened. I thought I was beginning to figure out who you were. Surprise.

I wish I had invested less emotion into the relationship. I wish I hadn't fallen so hard for you. If I could do it all over again, I'm not sure I would. Yes, I had a lot of fun and I very much love my Pfeffer but, is that all worth how I feel now? I honestly don't know. It's very difficult to find yourself again when you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone. Everything reminds me of you. Things I see on the street, things I hear on the radio, things people say to me, things I think. I want so badly to hate you but I can't.

Don't think that I'm not going to get over this. I will. You're most likely well on your way. You'll probably find someone new within the next few months. Isn't that how it always goes with you anyway? I hate that I miss you. After all this, she had better be "the One".

It Must Have Been Love - Roxette

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely
Is there a silence
In the bedroom and all around

Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I turn to water
Like a teardrop in your palm

And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away...

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched till the time had run out

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows, it's where the wind blows
*stupid link of the day* Man Sells Wife's Box on Ebay: some people are so witty... yeah. Needless to day, this was obviously taken off the website.

2006-11-17T02:04:00.000-05:00

JeN's review of the movie "Shortbus".

I've never seen director John Cameron Mitchell's first directed film, "Hedwig & the Angry Inch", but I am definitely thinking about watching it now. Independent films have never been my favourite genre. Often, I find that their audiences attract the type of snooty 'holier than thou' crowd I prefer to steer clear from. I decided to see this film after one of my good friends messaged me to tell me how amazing it was. I checked to see if it would be screening anywhere around here and, behold, it was playing for one week only so I had to go check it out.

As if this isn't obvious enough: I thought the movie was pretty damn good. It begins with an extreme close-up of the texture of the Statue of Liberty followed by this arty miniature version of New York and I wasn't sure if it was an actual sculpture or done by CG. Either way, it was impressive. Spaces between some scenes of the movie were interspersed by a bird's eye view of the camera going from one point of action to another through the mini-NY.

If visual art bores you, the next few minutes are bound to catch your attention. A man intimately filming himself in the bathtub followed by an attempt at auto-fellatio, a heterosexual couple trying to win the award for most positions performed during a single sex session, and a Dominatrix taking her irritation out on an annoying client. The movie may feature actors but this is real sex. Those thinking that the movie may be porn are far from correct. This movie does contains sex but it does not revolve around it; instead the film works the physical act of penetration into the plotline so well that it meshes seamlessly with everything else. Mitchell uses plenty of close-ups, which catch his characters in their natural and therefore their most beautiful state. There's no airbrushing involved in this movie.

Couples therapist, Sofia, upon taking on her new clients, Jamie & James, who want to explore an open relationship, admits that she has self-diagnosed herself as "pre-orgasmic" which she explains means she's never had an orgasm. It appears to be taking a toll on her, both in her job and in her marriage. James, after being with Jamie for five years, is hellbent on the possibility of another lover since he is guarding a deep secret from his current one. Severin, both a Dominatrix and a photographer, is suffering because the only time she is able to allow herself to show emotion with someone is when she takes her anger out on a client. In an attempt to help Sofia, "the Jamies" invite her to a Shortbus party. In many schools, the smaller schoolbus, known as the shortbus, is the one ridden by students who are abnormal in some way, whether they are mentally handicapped, physically handicapped, or are gifted. A shortbus party celebrates differences and is a way to indulge one's senses to the utmost. The party hosts rooms for the eyes, showcasing independently made films, the skin, featuring a room for those interested in an orgy, the ears, with a band performing original music, and the mind, with quiet rooms containing people who just want to talk.

"New York is where everyone comes to get fucked," said the film's ex-mayor of the city. It is up to the audience to decide exactly what he intended when he said that. I took Mitchell's film to blur the line between human beings' need to be intimate emotionally and the need to be intimate physically. Do we talk in order to get sex or do we have sex in order to talk? Are we our most vulnerable in the bedroom or is it when we open our emotions? Another issue brought up, I think, by real-life party host, Justin Bond, was another push at the boundaries between the physical and the emotional. Is it harder to have your body be fucked or to have your mind be fucked?

Each of the main characters is looking for the one thing lacking in their lives, be it something physical or something emotional. Through intense challenges of their selves, they begin to take steps toward achieving their goals. Though I wouldn't call this film a comedy, it does have its funny moments, like when the gay threesome lightens the mood by singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" during sex. I found it strangely amusing that so many states used to (some still do?) find sodomy to be illegal and yet, here these men are, law-breakers in many states, singing the American national anthem which is supposed to celebrate the country.

Though a little farfetched at times, I found the movie to be strangely real. The lines didn't feel scripted and, even though I recognized three of the actors (Sook-Yin Lee, Bitch, Daniela Sea), I felt that the characters could actually be real people. I'm not entirely sure how all of the characters turned out in the end. The movie wasn't completely clear on that.

"Shortbus" is a refreshing way to penetrate human beings, both emotionally and physically. According to one of the film's characters, there is a motherboard connecting us all and we've just got to find the right circutry to make sparks fly. I would recommend this movie to anyone who considers themselves to be open-minded and who is in the mood to see something a little different. It's not action-packed, it's not romance-filled and it's not rolling on the floor funny. It's just different. The "I'm Canadian" excuse for not understanding Americans was used twice! Let's all hop on the shortbus and open ourselves and our differences up to a bit of penetration. With a little poking, we might all learn something new.

I went to see "Shortbus" with Shay, who gave her two cents HERE.

some mean person took the Angry Johnny video off YouTube. now I'm stuck with this...

Angry Johnny Video - POE lyrics

POE Music Video Codes

Music Video Codes by VideoCure

Angry Johnny - Poe

Johnny, Angry Johnny
This is Jezebel in Hell
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you...
Away

I can do it you gently
I can do it with an animal's grace
I can do it with precision
I can do it with gourmet taste

[chorus]
But either way
Either (way), either way
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you...
Away

I can do it to your mind
I can do it to your face
I can do it with integrity
I can do it with disgrace

[chorus]

Johnny, Angry Johnny
This is Jezebel in Hell
Johnny, Angry Johnny
This is Jezebel in Hell

I can do it in a church
I can do it any time or place
I can do it like an angel
To quiet down your rage

[chorus]

I can do it in the water
I can do on dry land
I can do it with instruments
I can do it with my own bare hands

But either way
Either way, you know where it stands
I wanna kill you
I wanna blow you...
Away

Johnny, Angry Johnny
This is Jezebel in Hell
Johnny, oh my Johnny

Where did your pleasure go
When the pain came through you
Where did your happiness go
This force is running you around now
Getting you down now
Where is your pleasure now Johnny
Where has your pleasure gone now

Johnny, Angry Johnny...

*stupid link of the day* Interview With a Rabbit or Two: maybe you have to be the slave to an urban rabbit to find this amusing but I was giggling my head off while reading this. So much of it reminds me of Pfeffer!

2006-11-13T16:09:00.000-05:00

I am an extra wheel on occasion. Or at least, that's how I felt Saturday night. Devon's friend called to say that she had rented "Lucky Number Slevin" and she wanted to know if we wanted to watch it. Since she's currently living in residence, Devon invited her over here. While watching the movie, on my left were Devon & Chris, and on my right were Andrea & Matt. Cuddling. It was awkward to say the least. I had wanted to see the movie so I stayed throughout the whole thing and then politely disengaged myself once it was over.

Is the world rigged to make single people... (for lack of a better term) singled out? I'd like to say yes. There is always the question hanging over your head that other people may silently ask: why aren't you with anyone? Events are designed for couples. Dinner parties composed of married people, formal occasions where one is expected to bring a date known as a +1, trips to the theatre where there's someone to share your food with. Never is it overtly explained that a date should be brought. It's all in the underlying expectations that we become so acutely aware of it is difficult to ignore the pressure. How many single people will honestly admit to never ever feeling the pressure of their singleness?

Funny how, when I am a part of a couple, I pick apart the relationship and now that I am no longer a part of a couple, I pick apart my lack of relationship. So it seems I am never satisfied. When I go home for winter break at the end of December, I have the feeling that the "extra wheel" issue will be coming back.

I hope she reads this for it will save me from an intervention when things get worse. I have a friend who, upon accumulating a boyfriend, has disappeared from everyone's lives save for his. She is a different person now. Things she once stood against she now stands for. She has hinged every aspect of her well-being on him to the point where he is beginning to have control over her life. The things she tells me about him (his anger problems, his lack of highschool education, his values, etc) make me wonder why on earth she is with him. From what she tells me, he is not a good person. Yes, all I know about him is what she tells me, but I am able to make my own judgement based on what she says. For example, she told me that if for some reason he ever felt that I was provoking him, he would end up physically hurting me, and that she wouldn't be surprised if he ended up in jail in the future. From what I can tell, he is going to bring her down and since she has based her self-worth on what he thinks, she is going to end up staying with him and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. The few times I have met him he has been cold and distant. The only times he talks to me are when he is insulting something I enjoy doing.

She ignores all that is going on around her in favour of being in his little bubble. She blames it on the fact that all her friends have packed up and moved away to school. Funny how, when she was single, that didn't stop her from talking to said friends online or over the phone. In fact, one friend is still in town and one other friend is still within local calling range. I've heard from her a grand total of five times since I've moved back to school over two months ago. Four out of those five were initiated by me and either a text message via cell phone or an e-mail. She always has her cell phone on her and checks it constantly so when it got to the point where she wouldn't reply for days and days, I got fed up. I'm not going to contact her anymore. If she misses me, she can get in touch with me.

I miss her. The one time we've talked on the phone since I've been at school was tense, full of uncomfortable silences. She and I never had moments like those before he came along. She's different now and has always been easily influenced by others. Meeting anyone new is bound to change a person but this change has not been for the better. Our friendship is strained because I feel like she is replacing everyone in her life with him. I care for her so much and I am glad that she is happy which is why it's difficult to figure out if I have the right to say anything to her about this. My friend's happiness is ruining my happiness and is therefore ruining our friendship so do I have the right to intrude on her relationship? I'm quite sure that anything I said regarding him wouldn't mean that she would break up with him. I just want her to re-evaluate why she is with him. She was single for a very long time before him so if she thinks she has to cling to him now because she won't find anyone else, she's very wrong. I don't want my friend to wind up with some degenerate scumbag who is too lazy to get his GED and who influences her toward things she never would have done before. Or am I just sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong?

Now for another track from JeN's break-up songs list...

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patti Smyth feat. Don Henley

Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't want to hate you
I don't want to take you
But I don't want to be the one to cry

And that don't really matter
To anyone anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

[chorus]
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you
Baby, you don't have to take the fall
Yes, I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all

It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

[chorus]

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough

*stupid link of the day* the Smiley Face Intervention: are you guilty of using too many emoticons and chat speak terms, such as "lol" when you are having a conversation over instant messenger? if so, this video is for you. don't be afraid to admit it!
It also helps that one of my biggest pet peeves of the moment is people who type "lol" in an online conversation and leave it at that. That is NOT conversation! How do you expect the person to reply? Sometimes in response, I will type "did you really?" and the lol-er very rarely understands what I am talking about, which just goes to show that, when writing chat speak, people very rarely pay attention to what they just typed it. I asked if you really laughed out loud, dammit! Why did you type it if you didn't actually do it? Why can't you just type the same way you'd speak? Is it really that difficult to continue using an actual language? arg!

2006-11-08T02:46:00.000-05:00

Is retail therapy more expensive than working with an actual therapist? I've never experienced the latter but for this broke student it's getting pretty close. I've spent less than I could but much more than I should. I've already bought panties, a bra, a sweater, a shirt, a ring, chocolate, and vodka. I just need to pick up some pants and socks and I'll have gotten a full outfit plus booze! I'm really itching to get a new hairstyle.

Why do so many women feel the need to change their look post-breakup? I think it's the whole "starting over" thing. If I weren't growing my hair out to donate it towards wigs for cancer patients, it would have been on a salon floor weeks ago. Come December, it's time for a much-needed trim and a slight colour change. Colouring my hair is so fun but seeing the new growth on the top of my head makes me want to dye it even more. In the meantime, something old and something new... Including a fashion belt that my bestest friend bought for me to cheer me up. Upside-down it looks like camouflage (as picture #4 shows), but if you take a closer look, can you tell what the pattern actually is?

I went out with some of my girls this past weekend to a bar for some drunken fun. I wore my new shirt and had a grand ol' alcohol-filled time. During the pre-drinking session at Allison's, us girls played this game called "Never Ever". In case you're not familiar with it, here's how you play: One at a time, you start a sentence with "never never have I ever..." followed by anything a person could possibly do. For example, never never have I ever gone skinny-dipping. If anyone in the group has done the thing the person has mentioned, they must take a shot (or a large gulp of their drink). This game is a fun way to get drunk and to find out a little more about your friends. There were a few more girls who had had threesomes in our Saturday group than I would have guessed before!

P.S. does anyone out there want a Gmail invite? I've got some sitting around that I'd like to get rid of. My address is on the left sidebar. if you'd like one, mail me or leave me a comment with your current e-mail address.

Ex-Girlfriend - No Doubt

[chorus]
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
And you know it makes me sick to be on that list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

You say you're gonna burn before you're mellow
I'll be the one to burn you
Why'd ya have to go and pick me
When you knew that we were different
Completely

[chorus]

Your wildness scares me
so does your freedom
See I can't stand the restrictions
I found myself trying to change you
If you were meant to be my lover
I wouldn't have to
And I feel so mean
I feel in-between
Cause I'm about to give you away

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
(for someone else to take)
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
(you're making a mistake)
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
(all the time we wasted)
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girl... friend

And I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed
And I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

I'm about to give you away
For someone else to take
I'm about to give you away
For someone else to take

You repeated mistakes for souvenirs
We've been in-between the days for years
I know that when you see you im going to die
I know im going to want you and you know why
It's gonna kill me to see you with the next girl
Cause I'm the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl
But I shoulda thought of that before we kissed

[chorus]
*stupid link of the day* Brit-Brit & K-Fed no more: Nov 7th 2006 is the day Ms. Spears came to her senses and filed for divorce. Finally!

2006-11-03T02:37:00.000-05:00

Pets must loathe Hallowe'en. In the case of Missy and Pfeffer, I don't blame them. She was a bride and he was a groom. It's a good thing that neither Devon nor I have been ordained. We had made a top hat for mister Bun as well but he was having none of that. Once I get the pictures off of Devon's computer, I'll try to get a video up of the difficulties we had while trying to make a rabbit wear clothing.

~CANADIAN MUSIC~
One of the best darn break-up songs out there. This one deserves to be played at full blast.

Jerk - Kim Stockwood

Since you've been gone I feel so much better
Cause I saw how mean you could be
I used to want some explanation
Now all I want is my Patsy Cline CD

How I've waited for today
When I could finally say

[chorus]
You jerk
You jerk
You are such a jerk
There are other words
But they just don't work

Sometimes I wish I'd mailed you that letter
That said the things I dare not say
Instead I set the thing on fire
I had to say this outloud anyway

I'm so glad I found the nerve
To say what you deserve

[chorus]

They try to be so cool
Insult you like a fool
Never take your call when you're nobody at all
Until you're somebody and then they want to be your friend
How come jerks don't know they're jerks
(I don't know)

So next time someone makes you feel little
Just sing this song inside your head
And like a great big cartoon bubble
These lovely words will dance above their head

How I've waited for today
When I could finally say

[chorus]
*stupid link of the day* Break-Up Quotes: although most of them don't have sources, this site is still a form of amusement.

2006-10-31T19:44:00.000-05:00

It's All Hallow's Eve and I have no plans to go out anywhere. For the past couple of days I've had an essay and a article critique due. Neither were very fun. I did, however, dress up as a slutty schoolgirl to go to class today. Yes, there were several stares. Fishnets are not warm enough for Canadian fall weather, especially when I have an evening class. Despite having no plans for tonight, I am going to the bar this Saturday to drink and be exposed to some terrible karaoke singing. Tonight I refuse to do any work and I will watch me some Miami Ink (Ami James = lust) and then maybe play my lovely illegal copy of Sims 2 Pets.

C'est l'Halloween - Matt Maxwell

Les sorcières sortent le soir.
Les fantômes aussi.
Le ciel est tout noir.
Les nuages sont gris.
Est-ce que tu as peur
des méchants esprits?
O Monsieur,
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui.

C’est l’Halloween (4X)

Pendant l’Halloween,
tu peux être ce que tu veux.
Un tigre féroce
Ou un serpent bleu.
Il se fait tard,
Tu rentres à la maison.
O Madame,
Non, non, non, non, non.

C’est l’Halloween (4X)

La lune, elle est pleine.
Le hibou, il crie.
De toutes les branches,
Pendent les chauve-souris.
Est-ce que tu as peur
de cette nuit?
O Madame,
Oui, oui, oui, oui, oui.

C’est l’Halloween (4X)

2006-10-26T19:03:00.000-04:00

The MyHeritage site is pretty interesting. Personally, I don't think I look like any of these people despite the fact that I've been told I look a little like Janeane Garofalo a few times. She's cool though. Why why why did I get so upset when I found out that the Pod Person deleted me off of his msn list? Rhetorical question, I know. It just hurts. Stupid things like that really sting. I'll live; always do.

Dearest sn, I am wishing you love and laughter in all that you do. You will be missed by many. Your honesty was something I appreciated more than I could say. You may have been naked to everyone who read you but never once think you weren't surrounded by friends. Find joy in your life.

Counting The Days - Goldfinger

So here I go and there you went again
Just another stupid thing that I've done wrong
Locked up in my head, knocked down, beaten, left for dead
With all those brilliant things I should have said
I gotta get away, and find something to do
'Cause everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you.

Still counting the days I've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4
Still counting the days that you've been gone

Day one, was no fun
Day two, I hated you
By day three I wish you'd come right back to me
Day four, five and six, well I guess you just don't give a shit
Day seven, this is hell, this is hell
I gotta get away, and find something to do
But everything I hear, everything I see, reminds me of you

Still counting the days i've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4
Still counting the days that you've been gone
Still counting the days since you left me. 1, 2, 3 ,4
Still counting the days since you've been gone

A thousand things I wanna say to you, but its too late now
A thousand things I wanna say
A thousand things i wanna say to you, but its too late now
A thousand things i wanna say

Still counting the days I've been without you
Still counting the days that you've been gone
Still counting the days I've been without you 1, 2, 3, 4
Still counting the days that you've been gone
Still counting the days since you left me 1, 2, 3, 4
Still counting the days that you've been gone
Gone...
*stupid link of the day* Break-Up Songs: now here's a website filled with music of the brokenhearted. Quite a few songs that I've been listening to a lot lately were found off of this site.

2006-10-22T19:05:00.000-04:00

Bounce sheets for couples should be invented in order to prevent "Static Cling". I found that article by Annalisa Burgos through a Google search and I think it rings true. I currently have two friends who have dropped off the face of the planet upon the accumulation of significant others. One friend in particular I've known since elementary school and, to this day, no one I know of has really had any contact with her in over two years, besides randomly running into her somewhere. Of course, when someone does run into her somewhere, she's always got her boyfriend in tow. My other friend has become so wrapped up in her s.o. that she ends up changing who she is as a person in order to better suit him and I and a few other close friends haven't really heard from her in months unless it's to talk about him or do something involving him.

"The difference between clinginess and a healthy relationship is the extent to which a significant other influences and controls your life. Clingy is when your existence is so intertwined in the existence of your partner that you have no life beyond him or her." There are couples where I knew at least one of the units as a single person, and there are couples where I've only met them while they were dating. Personally, I prefer the former because I find that I am more likely to keep a relationship with that person post-breakup. As for those friends you make while they are dating, the friendships become incredibly strained after the couple breaks up. If you spend time with one half, you feel like you are betraying the other half. How can you remain friends with both halves of a former couple? Is it actually possible to remain friends with both of them and not end up dropping one or the other down to acquaintance status? Is it ever possible to spend time in a group without things becoming a little uncomfortable?

When every aspect of someone's life involves their significant other, I start to question that person. We've all been single at one point in our lives. Why is it that some people, upon the accumulation of the coveted boy/girlfriend, we drop all that we used to be in order to accomodate this latest addition into our being? The way I look at it is that a significant other does not replace what is already in your life, but is just an add-on to what is already there. When you are with your s.o. during every part of your day, when do you get time to focus on yourself? When do you get the time to discover who you are?

"Take a moment to think about the couples you see who are always together. Have you ever known them as separate entities? Hell no. They would rather be caught dead than be seen without the other... It's like they are a single unit that cannot survive when separated." When you become known, not as separate people, but as a couple, that's where the problems start. To be considered not as Jane Smith, but as Jane-and-John, means that your friends no longer see you as just yourself. Is that when you start to see yourself as not just ME but as ME & HIM/HER? At this point, the "we couple" syndrome starts. Is it really considered a bad thing not to think about yourself all the time? No. In fact, it could be considered less selfish if your thoughts are also centering on another being besides yourself. The key words are "all the time". If you never think in terms of yourself, are you really living your own life? or are you living for someone else. When I'm speaking to someone and they start using "we" when talking about making plans and I ask who "we" is, they always seem shocked that I couldn't possibly know that of course it means "friend + s.o." The way we speak is directly affected by the way we think. There is more than a world of difference between "we" and "she/he and I".

"Clinginess is unhealthy and prevents the people involved from feeling true independence and self-reliance. When you are reduced to being known as part of a couple, you can easily forget who you are as a person and lose your sense of identity and individuality... So what's my point? Well, I'm not advocating an anti-couple sentiment; rather, I am advocating a separate-life sentiment. Lead your own life. Chances are, if your partner truly loves you, he or she will trust and respect you." Do things separately (work does not count) and it will give you more of a reason to talk to your s.o. about your day and what you've learned. It will give you a reason to love that person more because of how they love you for who you really are and not who you've become around them. Or at the very least, try to spend some time away from your s.o. like hanging out with friends solo and try to catch the way you speak. Are you complete on your own or are you only part of a whole? Remember: you're not going to ever find someone who can complete you because you are complete in your own right; instead look for someone who will complement you.

And here are the lyrics to a song about the "we syndrome" and getting out of an unhealthy "we" relationship.
The Veronicas - Everything I'm Not ~ lyrics | audio

And now back to yet another song from JeN's break-up playlist...
~CANADIAN MUSIC~

My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne

So much for my happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead.
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[chorus]
You were everything,everything
That I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be
But we lost it
And all of the memories so close to me
Just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

[chorus]

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you care
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

[chorus x2]

So much for my happy ending
*stupid link of the day* Willamettans Family Nudist Resort: maybe I'm a bit immature, but I thought it was funny that the url for this website involved the word "willies" since you'd definitely be seeing some of those at this resort! thanks to danae and Michael for this link.

2006-10-19T01:16:00.000-04:00

The sound of his voice. The way he would teasingly call me a dork.
The shape of his mouth. The way his lips would form "I love you" and how easily it would roll off of his tongue.
The touch of his hand. How it made mine feel so small.
Being held in his arms. When I'd look up and ask to be snuggled he would always follow through.
The smell of his skin. Those times when he wasn't a stinky boy, that scent was one I wanted to cling to.
The weight of his body. How we'd joke that if he turned sideways he'd slip through the floorboards.
The feel of his sex. How I felt I could never get enough.
The look in his eyes. When I'd catch his glancing at me when he thought I wasn't aware.
The thoughts in his mind. He didn't always share, but when he did it was beautiful.
His sense of humour. He'd go along with me on almost anything, no matter how absurd.
The things we had in common. Nature documentaries, fantasy RPG video games, fantasy novels.
His fondness for animals. There is nothing more endearing than a guy who loves his pet.
The way he looked. He knew he was pretty and damn can he clean up well.
His appreciation for his parents. Knowing that he loved his parents and made it a point to be near them was wonderful.
The generosity of his being. Cows, Pfeffer, and chocolate when I was cramping.
The surety of his love. I never doubted it, not for a moment.
His phonecalls. Just to say hi and to remind me that I was loved.
One year and five months I would do all over again.

His lack of emotion. It was like I couldn't make him feel anything.
His prejudices. We disagreed on so much that was going on in society.
His love for football and sometimes wrestling. Who wants to watch sweaty men in spandex jumping on each other?
The casual way he'd brush me off. There was more than one occasion I was cancelled on because he was going to the bar.
The way he'd speak. Sometimes I think that even a sailor would have been shocked.
The way I'd feel ignored. Is it really so hard to include me in conversations with other people?
The way I'd never be first. His mother, Scooter, Becki, Kyle, everyone else... then me.
His ignorance that women should be equal to men. "Running won't make you pretty" among other things.
His choice of video game consoles. No way is Xbox superior to PS.
Sleeping next to him. Unconscious physical and verbal abuse, cover stealing, pillow stealing, his snoring, his flat pillows.
His fascination with the back end. I kept my last virginity!
The way I felt like a kid. I felt so young and immature.
How he made me feel when he broke up with me. Heartbreak.
What his mother wrote in an e-mail to me. How she thinks I'm too good for her son
How this song just about sums it all up...

Who Knew - P!nk

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever and ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever and ever
Who knew

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew...
*stupid link of the day* Carter Brothers' Argument: this is a clip from the so-called reality tv show "House of Carters" starring Nick, Aaron, BJ, Angel and whoever else is in the household. This clip shows a perfect example of brotherly love.

2006-10-12T04:33:00.000-04:00

I'll never see him again. That realization hit hard. Joey came over for "the talk" this afternoon. My intentions were for me to get some insight into what happened and perhaps some closure. That did not occur.

He came over that day, unexpected, sat down on my bed and wouldn't look at me. Of course I knew something was wrong. I asked if he was alright. "No." Are you angry? Are you upset? Is someone hurt? Did someone die? Did you cheat on me? There was only one idea remaining. He said "it just isn't going to work out" and left it at that. It was up to me to ask why, how, when. In the moment, the way he said some things were cruel. It seemed like it was my fault we never talked intimately, my fault we didn't go out that often, my fault I was a feminist. Hearing that hurt a lot. I am not proud of the fact that I drank a very large portion of a bottle of vodka by myself on an empty stomach the next day. It was like salt on the wound knowing that one of the reasons he didn't want to be with me was because of something I held in high regard for myself: being a feminist and not being afraid to use that F-word.

One week, 6 days, one awkward visit and a few short phone calls later, he and I were finally able to schedule a time to talk about what happened. Minor things were resolved but nothing that would make my confusion any less. His mother thinks he is an asshole for breaking it off the way he did. I take some small consolation in that fact. There was no real reason for the sudden break-up save that I suppose he just woke up one morning, decided he wanted children, and figured I wasn't the one to have those with. It wasn't soley my fault for no intimate discussions since neither he nor I were ever really one to have "relationship talks". It wasn't only my fault that we didn't go out and do something all the time. He was sometimes tired, sometimes the weather sucked, sometimes you just want to hang around and do nothing. Me being a feminist wasn't what wouldn't work out in the long run. According to him it was more of a "personality clash". I figured that was something you'd realize during the first few months of a relationship.

I have as much closure as I'm ever going to get. It's not much but it will have to do. I told him some things I probably should have kept to myself (like the mass vodka consumption) in a vain attempt to force some guilt-ridden emotion out of him. At least he looked me in the eye a few times. I told him how often I had cursed his name, how I had decided the only explanation was that he had become a pod person, that I imagined myself cat-napping Scooter, and that I hoped he'd have malfunctioning children and a feminazi wife, among other things. That much I regret. His last memories of me will be of me being a bitter, immature, bitch, even though he did acknowledge that I have the right to be.

This is the toughest break-up I've been through so far because I never saw it coming. And it hit like a tonne of bricks. Maybe he really wasn't good for me in the end. Maybe it never really would have worked out. Maybe I am better off without him. Maybe I do deserve someone who could treat me better. I love(d) him as much as it is possible for me to love someone. He saw me with my walls down that day which is something hardly anyone has seen.

I'm no longer angry. The only emotion I've got left is sadness. I prefer anger; it burns away quickly. Sadness stays with you as you dwell on it. Three serious relationships, three broken hearts. Do I really heal stronger every time or is every bandage just another wall to put up around myself? I don't think I'll be able to have another relationship for a very long time now. I'm sure he'll find someone new in a few months like he always does.

I miss him.

To lighten things up a little because I know I'll reread this entry and I'll be glad I added this bit at the end, Devon plays the game "The Sims 2: Nightlife" and she and I made Sims of both myself and of Joey. To help me feel better, we decided to make Sim-Joey have a change of lifestyle. We made him gay which broke Sim-JeN's little heart. After woohoo-ing with a black police officer named Amin, we decided that Sim-Joey should die of AIDS (yes, I'm cruel). We locked him in the living room and took away the windows and the door. We put in a stereo system so he would be unable to fall asleep. It took him two days to die and Sim-JeN made 150$ by selling his tombstone. Plus, Sim-JeN has a hot new boyfriend that she just moved in with.
So now you can enjoy this nice little video clip of Sim-Joey and Amin woohoo-ing for the first time. You can hear me laughing in the background and Devon talking.
Sims Joey and Amin Woohoo-ing

"There's no sin in loving men; only pain." -- Ally McBeal

~CANADIAN MUSIC~

Insensitive - Jann Arden

How do you cool your lips
After a summer's kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere

Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
The casual goodbyes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive
*stupid link of the day* E-Closure: documenting break-ups anonymously online. And a darn good way for me to feel better about what happened to me.

2006-10-09T23:11:00.000-04:00

There being no update on my break-up situation makes me reluctant to post since I'll probably feel the need to use my creative juices for ranting later on. For now, a picture post! First up are some pictures of Devon (my roomie)'s dog, Missy, and of Pfeffer.

And now for some pictures of my ex-baby: the Xbox 360, that I refer to as "the puppy" (as in "come check this puppy out!") was returned to the store this past Saturday. I got all 510.57$ of my money back and, since I can't quite keep it to myself because it's guilt money, I've decided that I will spend it on the Playstation 3 whenever it decides to rear it's beautiful head. RIP dear Xbox 360 (Aug 30th 2006 - Oct 7th 2006). He had it for about a month. I had her for 6 days. At least I got her back, right? I'm also going to miss my beloved "Kameo" on whom I only logged probably about sixteen hours grand total. Maybe one day I'll get the chance to finish the game. I can only hope. Video games make me happy.

*stupid link of the day* Break-Up T-Shirts: an online store where you can buy some shirts to help you get through a faulty relationship. My favourite one is the graphic "love is for losers".

2006-10-02T17:10:00.000-04:00

Love Is A Cunt's wisdom
Even if they're in that eternal, true la-la love; one of them is eventually going to die first and leave the other heartbroken.

Memoria written by Tree

I am skilled in the art of remembering. With him, I have forgotten nothing. I catalogued in minute detail every slant of light in every room we’d ever shared, every change in the timbre and cadence of his voice, the arc of every eyelash, words both uttered and unspoken. It was not so much a conscious decision, but rather a compulsion of love. I wanted to lose nothing of what I held as precious and the way I’m wired enables that.

It is what undoes me.

My fingers memorized every crease of his palm, his skin smooth as paper, the pulse beneath the wrist. My fingertips were full of beating wings and preludes. They read him like Braille. My hands made music in his, danced over the landscape of his flesh, bear burning tattoos where he traced our initials upon them. I’d drag the back of my hands, the softest part of them, against the side of his face, the length of his arm, against every plane and slope and contour and curve until I knew him as I know my own body. My eyes drank his light like liquid, blessed his beauty as a holy vision. My mouth still stings with his kiss. I won’t even talk about my heart.

I’ve held nothing since he’s been gone but his absence, yet I can summon the minutiae of him so exquisitely that I’m surprised he does not materialize in my arms.

I do not try to do these things. They are simply a function of who I am and how I love. This is why I do not heal.

I dream of amputations. I’d love nothing more than to cut off my hands, but I know it wouldn’t work. They’d turn to doves and fly back to him. I could nail them to the wall, but they’d only twitch and sing. I could extirpate my eyes, set them beneath my heel, and crush the sight out of them, but how does one remove the mind’s eye?

I would’ve rather died than forget, though now, it is the memories that will kill me.

Shakira - Illegal

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined

And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

[chorus]
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's here, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

[chorus]

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

2006-09-29T21:24:00.000-04:00

I just got dumped. Apparently it's because I am a feminist and I don't want children that he can't see a future with me.

2006-09-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

It's been a long summer and now I'm back at school with my internet connection finally hooked up. Those technicians can really take their sweet time. I've got a new apartment and two new roomies, Chris and Devon, who are both a lot of fun. They both really like having Pfeffer around and like to play with him and spoil him. He's definitely not complaining about that. I was looking into getting him a girlfriend from Rabbit Rescue but the little darling I had all picked out for him was snatched up by someone so I've got to keep looking. He will have someone to keep him company while I'm not home!

I've got my first exam of the term next week in my sociology class and also a document analysis due for my history of sexuality in Canada class. Gotta get back in school mode. Before that kicks in, Linda had a Fantasia Party last weekend and, even though several girls cancelled at the last minute, those of us who were present ended up spending over 300$ on merchandise. Biggest sellers were the female orgasm enhancing cream and a mini "BOB".

Joey was supposed to come with us girls to the bar after the Fantasia party but he took a mis-step and hurt his ankle. He's spent the past few days limping like Terry Fox, much to my amusement. He can't hurt himself permanently though because then Scooter wouldn't have a daddy anymore. She's gotten a lot nicer since she now has to share her living space with a large dog.

Nothing new has really been happening on my end. A friend came out to me the other day. I'm very proud of her (and, admittedly, a bit jealous). I've made future plans to go out drinking and dancing. Shay and I will get together once she finally has some free time. I plan on spending a lot more time conquering Kameo since I bought Joey an Xbox 360 for his birthday. I think I win the "best girlfriend award" for that one.

My sisters turned one year old on Sunday. They've gotten so big! My dad shares a birthday with them and he turned 51. I miss my three amazing friends who I hung out with all summer. I'm sure I'll see them soon enough and we'll play some more video games and be nerds together. For now, this nerd needs to get started on her homework...

*stupid link of the day* iGoatse: have you ever wanted a cute little case for your iPod that's quite the conversation starter? Well then you should definitely look into a Goatse skin, especially if you already know the shock site.

2006-08-23T11:41:00.000-04:00

*stupid link of the day* Afraid of Pickles: on Maury Povich there was a girl who was terrified of pickles. Somehow I can't believe that this is real. How can someone be afraid of pickles? I wonder how she feels about cucumbers...

2006-08-10T11:22:00.000-04:00

Summertime is a time for lazing around. I've had the past few days off from work and I haven't done much besides sit out in my backyard by the pool reading books. Not that I'm complaining. Actually, I just found out that I will be attending a showing of Monty Python's "Spamalot" on Aug 17th and I'm quite excited about it. I have my bestest friend to thank for that one. I like Monty Python; I can't help it. A little bit more so now than before because of the whole "killer bunny" thing. It almost makes me wish Pfeffer was white.

A couple of weeks ago, Leya had two of her cousins from Scotland, Angela & Steven, visit. She, Angela and I went out dancing one night at the Dance Cave. We went on a Saturday so most of the music that was playing was indie music and I think I recognized a grand total of maybe twelve songs the entire night, and that includes when the DJ randomly left and some 60s music came on. When that happened it seemed like everyone on the dance floor drooped a little but I loved it! I want to open up my own club now that has at least one night where nothing but music from the 1960s plays. I think it would be a lot of fun. I don't think I'll be going back to the Dance Cave anytime soon. It wasn't really my scene. I did have fun with Leya and Angela though. It was nice to see Angela again.

Canada Day weekend was filled with blah. As always, my mom's side of the family came over and my house was filled with 30 or so people. At least this year nothing was stolen or broken. Andrea and Lauren came over to keep me company which was nice of them. We made ourselves some strawberry daquiris and had to go on a mission to find the daquiri mix (turns out Andrea had left it at her house). Lauren and I were festive in wearing red and I had a Canada Day temporary tattoo from the day before when I had gone to Leya's grandparents house to see the fireworks. Next year I'll have to make Andrea wear red as well.

And, as always, there's still the dogs and the rabbit to worry about. They're still fine. Still as annoying and as cute as ever. The dogs spend most of their days lounging around in the sun. Pfeffer prefers to hide from the sun in whatever cover is available and eat the grass. Soon he'll be moving with me to an apartment where the only outside he'll be aware of is the balcony. Guess he'd better eat all the grass he can now.

Joey's birthday is coming up. He'll be a quarter of a century old. I have an idea for a birthday gift. I just have to get my hands on it. I'm pretty sure he'll like it. There should be an award for "best girlfriend ever". I'd definitely be nominated.

*stupid link of the day* Bunny Butts of Doom: I guess today's link is in honour of Spamalot's little white rabbit. If anyone ever wants to get me this t-shirt (baby t, size medium), I will luv you forever and ever and ever. Or I just must needs make more $$ so I can purchase it myself.

2006-07-24T12:16:00.000-04:00

I'm not dead, just uninspired as of late. Also working full-time leaves me less time for the computer. Well, summertime is halfway over and my writing always lacks during those months where I am temporarily not a student. As much as I adore my friends here, I do kind of wish I could be back at school where there are no parents to bother me and I can do almost whatever I want. Now that many of my friends have graduated, there will be less people for me to hang out with. Of course, there's still a few school friends left and my delightful new roomies, Chris & Devon. I'm sure that over the school year we'll have much more fun. In the meantime, I miss my girls. I'm also missing the lovely Shay a lot because I haven't had time to go back to the city where my school is and visit with her yet. I'm dying to see her kitten in person and not just over pictures (take that however you'd like to, you naughty-minded people)!

I am currently sitting here with parts of my hair wrapped in tinfoil while I wait for the purple hair dye to process. There's still a few minutes left. Too bad the dye smells like grape Tylenol but the scent will go away once I shampoo my hair. For only paying 10$ for the dye, I can't really complain. I can complain about having to go to work later on tonight though!

As for the slut, I haven't seen much of him lately. One day in almost two months. He's busy and I'm busy so there's not much time left in there for visits. Plus he doesn't really like the place where he's working now so he's thinking about finding a new job... in Alberta. Raise one eyebrow if you will. Needless to say, if he does end up in another province/territory, I will not be going with him. Hey, if it ends then it ends. Can't say I'd be very happy about it but there's not much I can do. If he goes it's really too bad that he'd be taking her with him (but if she goes, I won't mind so much ha ha ha). I'm not any good at the "relationship" thing. At this point, I don't even know if it's working or if we're still hanging on by the threads of habit. After only a year can you grow used to someone already? Last summer, when everything was all new, he and I hung out a lot. This summer, not so much. Well, I did tell him he can't break up with me until he reads all of the Harry Potter books and, at the rate he's reading now, that could be a while since he hasn't even started the first book yet. Now it's off to rinse the excess purple dye out of my hair.

*stupid link of the day* Total Eclipse of the Heart video: two guys drew faces on their chins and shot a video for this song. Why do so many guys like this song? I mean, it's a great song, but it's also strange that it's liked by many men. Thanks to Joey for finding this one online.

2006-07-04T12:40:00.000-04:00

Awkward things happen to me all the time. Last night was no exception. After work my training class decided to go to a bar to celebrate the last official day of our training. I work for an American company so we all get the 4th of July off. At first the bar was pretty fun. Everyone had a drink or two and we were all talking about nothing in particular and laughing. Plenty of good-natured jokes were being made and it was a nice atmosphere overall.

Then this guy Doug said he wanted to ask me something so I followed him outside of the bar to find out what it was. He was acting kind of shy and I thought he was going to say something about how he had a crush on our trainer, Dawn. Instead he tells me that he thinks I'm cute and that he likes me. The man is 40 years old! He's way closer to the age of my parents than he is to my age. I didn't really know what to say so I just kind of laughed it off and pretended that the situation wasn't extremely awkward. All of a sudden he stepped much closer and leaned in to kiss me. It happened so fast I barely turned my face in time. Once he realized he missed my mouth he asked "is it okay if I kiss you?" I guess he didn't get the hint the first time. It seems that even though he knew I have a boyfriend that didn't matter. Ugh! It was so creepy and awkward. Seeing him at work now is going to be weird. I'm just glad that I'll be leaving in September.

There's another guy who likes me as well but he's only a year older than me which is almost a relief. At least Brendan has never tried to hide the fact that he likes me so we can joke about it in a casual way. The harmless flirting doesn't really bother me because I already know what he wants. And he has never once made me feel uncomfortable or borderline sexually harassed.

Another two people I work with ended up getting very drunk and made plans to have sex with each other even though they both have significant others. And the guy is crazy about his girlfriend who he has been dating for about two and a half years. Why screw that all up just to get cheating out of your system (his words, not mine)? I hope he called her today to break up with her. I will never understand cheating nor could I ever do it. I'd feel too guilty. The guy, F, even had the nerve to ask me if me knowing that he is going to cheat on his girlfriend made me change my opinion of him. Of course it does! I thought he was a great guy. He's sweet, caring, funny, and he would phone his girlfriend every lunch break to tell her that he loved her. *sigh*

The whole "getting hit on" put a damper on my evening. It made me wish Joey was around, not so much so that he could have stopped it from happening, but it really made me realize how much I do miss him. I knew I did miss him (how could I not after not seeing him for like a month?) but I didn't pay attention to exactly how much. I am afraid I take him for granted sometimes and assume that he'll always be around. I don't want to do that. I just wish we lived in the same town so that I could have seen him when I got home last night. I needed a hug.

Now I remember why I was only making female friends while I was away at school. Why didn't I continue that trend while I was at work? I guess I just had to learn that lesson one more time. This is why I don't make friends with males.

*stupid link the day* Master Shake: what do bunnies look like when they're dreaming? It's the cutest little nose wiggles and mouth jiggles ever! If only I could catch my bun bun taking a snooze.

2006-06-20T12:14:00.000-04:00

Women and men have more in common than you'd think at first glance. There is often talk about how men are constantly trying to compare penis size by making everything into a competition but I've recently noticed that women compete with each other as well. Though men may talk themselves up or use physical force to up their genital size in each other's presence, women use words to describe what is going on in their lives as a way of saying "I've got something better than you do" or by fishing for compliments.

The ones who fish for compliments do so to pump up their own self-esteem. This "Queen of Wands" comic from October 4th, 2004 gives an idea of how the fishing thing works. And fishing for compliments usually works no matter if the fisher is surrounded by men or women. In the movie "Mean Girls" there is one scene where the character of Regina George is saying how she thinks she is fat and there is a slight pause when she has to stare angrily at her friends until they stammer back that she's not fat at all. I've noticed that the women who hang around with groups of guys (the women who aren't there to be "one of the boys") are usually the kind who fish and almost all of the time they are successful with the bait. Perhaps the fish are blind?

As for the other sort of female competition, it can range from significant others to pets. The group of girls I've met at work all have this underlying competitive edge going and sometimes it rubs off on me. If one girl mentions something about her significant other it seems that the surrounding women must all have their input as well, even if the something said is negative. An example would be that my one friend, Amber, was locked out of her house one night a couple weeks ago because her boyfriend went out drinking after a funeral and didn't come home to unlock the door like he said he would (there's another story about why she didn't have her own key but it's not relevant here) and she was pissed off at him because he didn't even call her to let her know where he was so she was stuck sitting in her car until 3am. After she told that story a few of the other girls felt the need to jump in with "well one time my boyfriend did this..." Why? It jus enters this never-ending ring of comparing boyfriend stories with each other to figure out whose boyfriend is the dumbest or the sweetest, depending on what the opening topic was.

The above competition also happens with pets. I will admit to happily participating in this one as my baby boy is one of my favourite topics to gab about. Amber and I have started some weird new trend of bringing in pictures of our respective pets. She's got a picture of her two cats, Tiger & Boots, in her wallet and yesterday I brought in photos of Delta, Truffle and Mister Pfeffer.

**Breaking News**: I literally just found out that a guy I went to highschool with and was good friends with (though now we've drifted) is going to be a father to a real life human baby. His girlfriend is due in January. He'll be the first out of my friends to take an official step into adulthood. Too bad he's going to be dropping out of school in order to support this thing. Knowing someone personally who is going to be a parent in a few months is scary. Too scary.

*stupid link of the day* Who Should I Cheer For?: in case you can't make up your mind on who to root for in the FIFA World Cup this website may be able to help you out

2006-06-08T11:21:00.000-04:00

"Two become one" has never been a concept I've understood nor been particularily attracted to. The idea of becoming a single entity with my supposed significant other terrifies me. Why would you ever want to give up your sense of self just because you are involved with someone else? The world is romanticized and society hypes up the notion of there being one specific person out there for all of us. Personally, I find that very doubtful. If it is true, it is doubtful that any of us will ever meet our "One" simply due to restrictions of location, finances and beliefs. I mean, your "soul mate" could be of one religion while you are of another and even though the two of you would be perfect together it will never happen. Or it could also be that the one person put on this planet for you is straight while you are gay. Maybe your "soul mate" has died in a freak accident and you'll never ever meet them. Perhaps the other person has been born into royalty and you are just an average bob and you'll never get a chance to be with them anyway. I put too much thought into this.

Couples who suddenly lose all sense of themselves as two separate entities scare me. One thing that sticks out in my mind was at the wedding I attended last summer where, during the ceremony, the bride and groom had two candles lit which represented themselves as individuals. Using their individual candles together, they lit one big candle which was to signify their union as a couple into marriage. The amusing part was that after the "union" candle was lit, the bride and groom each blew out their individual candles. Entering into a relationship does not mean you snuff out all that you were prior to the relationship.

It's the couples, usually women, who lose all sense of themselves as independent people who bother me the most. Many of them never even realize that their way of thinking of themselves has changed until someone points it out to them. Language forms itself around your way of thinking of certain things, which is one good reason why there is such pressure to speak in a politically correct manner, such as using the term "police officer" instead of "police man" because women can be police officers too. When members of couples stop using the term "I" to refer to an opinion that they themselves hold I become worried. When the term "we" begins to immerse itself in the couple's language more so than the term "I" it becomes apparent that the members of the couple have stopped thinking of themselves as two individual people and now think of themselves solely as a single unit.

There are many cases where using the term "we" is acceptable, such as when you and your SO accompany each other to a place. "I'm sorry I couldn't call you back last night but we went to see a late movie." There are times when using the term "we" is worrying, such as when a woman starts to guide all her opinions on what both she and her SO think. "We didn't like that restaurant... We love walks in the park... We've decided to get this... We aren't interested in that." It becomes tiresome and irritating to ask an individual's thoughts only to have a "we" type of response. If someone wanted to know what both you and your SO thought then they would ask the both of you but if someone asks what you thought of something and you reply with "we thought"... *sigh*

I have seen many a person, usually female, succumb to the loss of individuality that accompanies a romantic relationship. It saddens me that some people I know don't feel whole unless they are romantically involved with someone else. A significant other does not fill a void in your life. There is no one who exists solely as your other half. You should be a whole independent person on your own and if someone happens along who complements you wonderfully then so be it. You are 100% complete as a single person.

My vow has been to never ditch a friend for a guy. To never exclude a friend because I am dating someone. To never make my friends uncomfortable to be around me when I am with a significant other. I do not want to partake in any sort of couple-y behaviour in public that sickens me upon seeing other people do it. My latest vow, that I made Andrea witness to last week, has been to never become one of those "we" people. When in doubt, I will use "he and I" in order to retain the concept of two individuals who choose to be together. I will retain my sense of self. Call me extreme or whatever you want. This is just the way my mind works.

*stupid link of the day* Barbie Intolerance Collection: imagine the reaction of some parents if Mattel was to release these dolls

2006-06-02T11:47:00.000-04:00

Both "the Davinci Code" and "X3: the Last Stand" have now been ingested by me. I feel all caught up with pop culture now. I haven't gotten around to seeing movie version of Dan Brown's book but I'm sure I will when it comes out on video. Books are always better than their movie adaptation anyway. I only know one person who went to see the movie and they haven't read the book yet. Of course, getting to attend an advance screening for free is a pretty good reason to see almost any movie.

I thought the book was alright. It was enough to hold my interest for its 500-page length although it isn't really my type of genre to start with. I think it would have kept me more interested had I perhaps gotten a hold of the illustrated version so I could see the images of the paintings that were referenced in the novel. A few of the paintings I had a vague image of floating in my head while most of the others I'm not sure if I've even heard of before, like the "Madonna of the Rocks" one. After finishing the book I had to look up the art online. It was an interesting novel and while I don't find it hard to believe that it is all fiction, I can see why the Catholic church is having a hissy fit over the popularity of the movie. I mean, if something was released about me saying that I was a tyrant who murdered people to keep evidence of my demise under wraps, I'd be a little ticked too, even if that something claimed to be fiction.

"X-Men 3" is confusing for me. I can't decide whether I liked it or not. I read a few reviews after seeing it and one reviewer wrote something I agree with. He said the parts of the movie were better than the whole. There were some scenes/storylines that were really good but when you smushed everything together into a two-hour film you start to lose a lot of the good stuff. I think it was too much information in too short a time. All these new mutants were introduced, like Angel (pre-Archangel), and then not really mentioned ever again. Also my darling Nightcrawler was nowhere to be seen even though if you had watched "X2" then you'd know that the movie ended with no hint of him leaving Professor X and his team. After doing a little searching I found out that you'll have to play "X-Men: the Official Game" in order to find out what happened to him.

Now, onto more ranting about the movie but this next paragraph may include spoilers. You have been warned!

Prior to X3 being filmed it was rumoured that the third movie was going to be the last installment of X-Men on the big screen. Now it seems that both Hugh Jackman and Sir Ian McKellen are hinting at a fourth movie. There is supposed to be a Wolverine prequel that will be filmed though. How exactly is a fourth movie supposed to be created when the writers went and killed everybody? Jean is dead, Cyclops is allegedly dead, Xavier is being resurrected by Moira somehow, pretty much all the Brotherhood mutants are gone, and Rogue, Magneto and all the other unnamed mutants who got "The Cure" possibly have no powers left (note: "possibly" not "probably"). I know the comics are laced with metaphors like mutant = homosexual with the whole "cure" thing but I am ignoring that for now.

If you're gonna start on the whole "Phoenix Saga" bit then either do it right or find a new storyline. Jean doesn't have a split personality thing going on just because Xavier had to rein in her power. Jean was corrupted by an outside force, but she chose to assume that power in order to attempt a greater good. This storyline is very well known by X-Men fans so why did the movie people try to take only a fraction of it and twist it into something they could fit into a two hour film? Was it because they didn't want to turn an action movie into a sci-fi movie? They should have picked a different plotline then. Because of the way Dark Jean is done in the movie, she cannot come back as she did in the comic books. It makes me want to hit my head against the desk repeatedly. Also, why is Jean mentioned as an Omega-level mutant but Iceman is not?

Also, that Leech kid who can get rid of mutant's powers has got to have his power's effects re-written into the movie. If all his power does (supposedly) is eliminate mutant powers then why does Hank McCoy's hand turn human in his presence? Being big, blue, and furry is not one of Hank's powers. His power lies in his superhuman strength and agility, not in his looks. As for Juggernaut, he is not a mutant. He acquired his juggernaut power through the energy of an ancient gem in a lost temple, the mystical energy of Cyttorak. Because his power is not a mutant ability, film Leech should have had no effect on him whatsoever. What isn't mentioned in the movie is that Leech has the ability to dampen (not eliminate) power "in other living beings with superhuman abilities, mutant or otherwise." And why did the filmmakers make Leech look human? He shouldn't.

Yeah, I'm really picky. If you're going to attempt something you might as well get it right. I do have more ranting to do but I think three paragraphs is enough.
/X3 spoilers

And that's enough for today...

*stupid link of the day* Derek Abbott's Animal Noise Page: ever wondered how the different animal sounds are translated by humans in different languages?

2006-05-21T11:37:00.000-04:00

I am supposed to take requests now? The last post I wrote, "anon" left a comment for me to write about more sex. Well, I must let "anon" know that I will write about whatever I please and if he/she/it would like to read about more sex, I've got quite a few spicy links in the sidebar that are sure to amuse. In order to write about sex, I find it is easier if one has inspiration. As for me, I am not exactly having sex at the moment for multiple reasons: I am home alone right now save for the puppies and the rabbit, it's "that time of the month" and I am bitchy and in pain, I am currently in a long-distance relationship. Therefore, minus inspiration, I don't write anything about sex. It's also hard to feel sexy when you smell like dog drool and are covered in mud all the time and you share a room with your rabbit. Such is my life.

My parents have gone to my aunt's house for the May 2-4 weekend and since it is supposed to be rainy today, they decided to leave the puppies at home instead of taking them somewhere where they'd have to be cooped up in another house with my aunt's dog, Misty, all day. It also helps that Truffle is a big chicken and is afraid of everything except for my family and her sister.

Yesterday I went over to Andrea's because she informed me that her and her mother have acquired two new eight-week old kittens (which brings their cat quota up to four)! One is black/auburn with white boots and a bit of white on her face, and the other is a dark grey tabby with a tiny spot of white just under her chin. The black one has been named "Mickey" while the grey one is ~~still nameless~~ named "Mouse". Andrea's mom is holding out for "Zita" but Andrea doesn't like that name. Hopefully by Monday they'll remember to have batteries for their digital camera so I can have some picures of the kitties while they're still tiny.
Still no kitty pictures. Boo.

Tomorrow Joey is coming to visit and he, Andrea, Sam and I are supposed to go and see "Over the Hedge" which I am über-excited about. The movie looks hilarious! Yeah, all of us are dorks and we like us some kids' movies. And maybe I'm excited to see the boy as well. Ugh.

*stupid link of the day* Mega64: three guys who film themselves acting out scenes in video games. I think my favourite one is the "Tetris" film. Oh, the things one can find on the internet...

2006-05-18T10:43:00.000-04:00

Rain rain go away, come again another day. So I had a decent post all written out and then, as I go to publish it, something screws up and my post disappears. So much for that "auto-recovery" system. Now I shall write mindless drivel because I don't feel like re-writing what I had here. I think having almost two straight weeks of rain is even affecting the computer's personality. I've only really got one thing to look forward to in the coming days and that's going to see "Over the Hedge" next week. It opens this Friday and I've been excited about this movie since November or so. Joey and I made some sketchy plans to see it together months ago and, hey, looks like we'll be able to. Yay!

I miss seeing the sun. I miss the puppies being able to play outside without me having to worry how much mud their paws will leave on my clothes when they come in. Even Pfeffer misses the warm sunshine and being able to graze on the lawn. As of today, the beginning stages of opening the pool start. The water inside it is probably green and murky from sitting untreated all winter but come next month, it should be lovely enough to swim in once more.

As the days go by, I think I am becoming more of a sucky girl. I miss him. Ugh, shoot me now.

*stupid link of the day* Sinfest Comic (May 10th, 2006): penises are like...

2006-05-08T00:13:00.000-04:00

One of my friends very recently was dumped by her boyfriend of almost six months. She didn't see it coming and is rather upset. I spent some time with her yesterday and she hadn't slept in two days nor eaten as well as her computer suddenly going on the fritz. She said that her now ex-boyfriend told her that he was having problems with his home life and that's why he broke up with her. Why couldn't he have let her know he was having problems? Why couldn't he have talked to her? My friend is upset because she feels like even though she and that guy were dating for a while he couldn't even find it in himself to confide in her. Instead, once problems start rearing up, he breaks up with a source of support.

How many people hide things from their significant others? I don't think that anyone could ever let another person know who they are completely unless under constant observation by cameras. We all have things we do in private that we don't want others to know about, be it masturbate, pick our noses, or examine our skin pores. There will always be a few things we hide from those we love. When we choose to hide bigger issues we affect our relationships. If Chris had confided in Sam about his problems, could she have helped him through them? Would he have let her support him and be a shoulder to cry on? Would they still be in a relationship?

Joey and I don't really have intimate discussions about the problems in our personal lives. We're willing to listen to each other when the other person has had a bad day and wants to complain about it but we don't discuss things like where our relationship is heading or if one of us is causing problems with the other. If that means that he and I are headed towards the end then so be it. The long-distance thing makes it harder to spend a lot of time discussing serious topics when we'd much rather just have fun during the small amounts of time we do spend together.

Yesterday, Sam told me that she wished she was as realistic about relationships as I am. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a cynic. Sometimes I wish I could give in to a bit of hopeless romantic and just let go of the future and be able to focus on the present. Maybe I would like a fleeting moment of being able to conceive of the "together forever" rarity. I can't do that. Instead I think about the fact that I am involved in a romantic relationship with someone else and I expect it to end any day now. Sometimes I feel that I shouldn't put any more effort into the relationship just because I "know" it is in fact going to end eventually. If you had asked me a year ago whether Joey and I would still be dating by now, my answer would have been a definite no. I didn't expect us to last more than a few months and he and I have made the relationship last for a year. Honestly, I don't know how.

I don't know how to sustain a relationship. I don't know how to make it so someone wants to continue being involved with me. It takes much more than simply being one's oh-so delightful self. How much longer my current romantic relationship will last, I cannot say. I feel as though I should put more effort into it because I do enjoy having someone to snuggle (as rare as distance makes that now) but, at the same time, I can't shake the feeling of having the relationship end and not seeing the point of making the effort to sustain it. Yeah, I'm complicated.

*stupid link of the day* Digital Pet Funeral Parlour: if you've ever had a digital pet and didn't know what to do when it died, this is the site for you. I had a Tamagotchi thing and, years later, making a mini-funeral for it is pretty amusing.

2006-05-01T10:56:00.000-04:00

The unavoidable job hunt is a terrible time to attempt any sort of creativity. I forget how much I loathe not having my own computer again. I miss not having someone breathing down my neck and yelling everytime I do the tiniest thing wrong. Pfeff is mad at me from all the moving and from having to go back to the vet to have his stitches taken out. I miss my friends from school and I miss being able to do whatever I want (within reason).

On a brighter note, Joey's coming to visit tomorrow. Yay! He'll get to witness firsthand my lovely frog-like voice and my incessant phlegmy coughing. That's near the equator. Ricola cough drops have become my new best friend... My new best friend who doesn't seem to work all that well. They've made my throat stop hurting but haven't made my cough go away. Being sick makes you feel really unsexy but I'll have to suck it up and dress all cute tomorrow. In the meantime, I've got some stuff to do and some recovering to start. Come on throat!

*stupid link of the day* Just A Little Guy: if you like your cuteness with a splash of spice and sarcasm then this is the adorable animal site for you

2006-04-27T08:06:00.000-04:00

it's my birthday... and I'm quite ill.

2006-04-23T02:29:00.000-04:00

I'm packing to go home for the summer. It's even worse than last year because I'm not coming back to this house so I have to pack everything. So far the only thing I've accomplished is to fold all my clothes minus the ones that are in the clothes dryer at the moment. Instead I spent a large chunk of the day with Pfeffer. I decided to chance popping his stitches and let him run around a little because he's sick of being cooped up. He's very active so being stuck in his house all day is boring.

My dad is coming at 9:00am and I hope he brings lots of boxes because I don't really have any. I don't know how to pack if I don't have anywhere to put my stuff. I could have been smart and spent all day packing my stuff up but instead I hung out with Joey. We rented "Domino" which wasn't a bad movie. There is a part where a guy gets his right arm shot off with a shotgun and that was disturbing. On the plus side, you get to see Keira Knightley's boobs near the end of the film! I am easily amused.

Poor JeN didn't get any goodbye sex or even goodbye fooling around tonight. Joey's taking some sort of all day motorcycle course thing this weekend and he was in too much pain to do anything tonight. *disappointed sigh* I even had on a garter belt and thigh highs to tempt him. He owes me now. The girly side of me wonders if we'll be able to do the long-distance thing for another summer while the smarter side of me wants my girly side to shut up.

I'm looking forward to going home to see my friends and to see how much the puppers have grown since I last saw them. Lauren will be spending another summer in Toronto so I won't see her all that often but I'm sure that she, Andrea and I will get in a significant amount of video game time so we can finally finish Final Fantasy X and get started on X-2. For now, I'm off to pack some more and hide the contents of my drawer of debauchery from my parents' eyes.

*stupid link of the day* Jesus Survives: okay, you watch this little film and tell me if the "in memory of" is real or not. If it is then filming this must have sucked! stupid link of the day courtesy of Joey (thanks, darlin')

2006-04-19T02:11:00.000-04:00

Pfeffer's crate has a second level now and it's all thanks to Joey. So let's all give him a big round of applause for taking time out of his day with Becki for spending time with me attempting to add to Pfeffer's crate. Tuesday we woke up bright and early at 7am to take my beloved to the hospital. I managed not to cry while in the clinic but shed a few tears once we left the building. We grabbed some breakfast and then headed to Home Depot to pick up some wood.

The wood had to be cut and other pieces added so that the second level floor took up the maximum amount of space. Joey did all the measuring. He also did all the cutting and was the one who figured out how to get the panel sizing down properly for the floor. We took a work break and went out for lunch with a friend, then Joey went out on Becki and I returned home to worry about Pfeff and to glue down the carpet so that bunny feet will have something to grip (rabbits don't have pads on the bottoms of their feet). We ran into a few problems because we couldn't think of a way to get a ramp set up in there so that the second level was bunny-accessible. Joey's a smart guy so he figured something out. I was just the glue bitch.

We barely finished in time to go pick my baby up from the hospital. He knew something was different about his house. Despite the fact that he was still a little groggy from the isoflorene, he hopped into his litterbox and sniffed around. As of now, he's been home for roughly nine hours and has yet to figure out how to use the ramp so he can get upstairs. I hope he figures it out soon because I've put some toys and food up there for him to discover. [update] he's figured out the second level and enjoys throwing his toys against the metal bars to make the maximum amount of noise to bother mama.

My little boy weighs in at 3.13lbs/1.42kg and he's practically tripled in weight since the first day he came home. He gets his stitches out in about ten days and he's not allowed to run around till then. I expect a very grumpy, cramped bunny for the next week. So far he seems to be recovering quite well. I just have to hope he leaves his stitches alone. I don't want to have to go back to the hospital to pick up a cone to put around his neck. He's so cute!

*stupid link of the day* Tampon Art: start with a tampon, add odds n ends, see what your imagination creates

2006-04-17T15:38:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow morning is Pfeffer's neutering day. He still doesn't know about it. Well, I hope it's a neutering day because if it becomes a spaying day, I'll have to come to terms with having a daughter instead. How exactly is a worried mommy supposed to concentrate on writing her eight-page take home final and a lengthy paper when she is so anxious about her baby bun's upcoming hospital trip? I'm pretty sure that my prof would not take pet surgery as an excuse though. Right now Shay is tempting me away from work with promises of a Mario Party gaming session.

Yesterday, Joey and I went for a walk to the park to see the bunny pen. There was a handful of baby bunnies inside! They must have been born about three weeks ago. They're so tiny. I fell in love about 100 times over, especially with this little one who was white and butterscotch coloured. I decided her(?) name was Frappuccino. I want to borrow a butterfly net and scoop her up so I can bring her home and have Pfeffer love her. Next time I go to the park, I plan on bringing a camera so I can take pictures of all the adorable rabbits.

I get to wake up bright and early, if I sleep at all tonight, so Pfeff can get to the hospital between 7:30 and 8:00. As worried as I will undoubtedly be tomorrow, I am going to take advantage of the Pfeffer-less time and add the second level to his house so he can have something nice to come home to. I hope he eats and leaves his stitches alone. I went to a different grocery store than I usually do and they had a supply of dandelion greens which are Pfeff's favourites. I've been looking for a bunch for the past couple of months and I was thrilled to find some. Pfeff gobbled some straight out of the grocery bag!

So I've realized that my writing has centred around my bunny for the past few posts. I don't mind at all! If it bores you, you can quit reading about my life as a slave to the urban rabbit. I did eat the ears off of my gold lindor bunny today and they were tasty. I wish I could give Pfeff some chocolate but that would just make him sick. I hope you are all reaping the benefits of the Easter goodies that are now on sale whether or not you celebrated. As for me, I suppose I should get back to work.

[update] So, as of right now (10am), Pfeff is at the hospital. I cried when I left him there. More later.
[update] I got a call from the vet around 1:30 letting me know that Pfeff woke up after the surgery and he seems to be doing just fine. I can pick him up in a couple hours.
[update] Pfeff is home and he seems to be okay. I was told his incisions were "oozing" a little and to keep an eye on them but he is otherwise fine. He's hopping around and eating so I'm not too worried. He's not allowed to exercise for 10 days until his stitches get taken out. I'll have to phone my mom and get her to make an appointment with a bunny vet back home. I'm so happy that my baby is doing well. He's my little boy!

*stupid link of the day* Rabbit Grooming: a step-by-step guide on how bunny gets clean

2006-04-14T14:01:00.000-04:00

Happy Easter weekend!
Well, I'm not religious so... enjoy your chocolate everyone!

Make My Bunny Chocolate
Stop! Don't Buy That Bunny! Unless...

*stupid link of the day* the Easter Bunny Hates You: what does the Easter Bunny do for the other 364 days of the year? Kicks ass.

2006-04-10T17:49:00.000-04:00

Pfeff is an expensive little bugger it seems. Today I called around to some veteranary clinics in the area (and beyond) to get price estimates on how much it's gonna cost to get my baby altered. A couple weeks ago, I caught an accidental x-rated glimpse of my bun and now I think it's pretty safe to say that I have a son! Of course, I could still be wrong and end up having a daughter but I'm pretty sure I saw a little pink boy part (not that it's "little", Pfeffy. Sorry!) and so I've been trying to get into the habit of saying "he" rather than "it".

I've called clinics and animal hospitals both locally, from my hometown and surrounding area, and places about an hour's drive from here. The cheapest price I've found so far is an hour away and the cost is 129.30$ + tax. The most expensive place I've found so far is a local animal hospital about ten minutes away from me where the price is 247.40$ + tax. Other prices include a local vet who performs neutering for 150$ + tax but he isn't a rabbit specialist, just happens to do rabbit altering, and a vet near my hometown where the cost would be 217.10$ + tax. The most expensive place had the most informed nurse who I spoke with on the phone. She gave me a rundown of the exact procedure including what type of anesthesia is used on the rabbits and how they handle the overnight care. It was lovely. The price really seems to speak for the type of care they give the animals. The one downfall was that she told me that most rabbits don't need pain medication afterwards, but at least she did say that I had the option of purchasing some.

Joey said that he would pay for my baby's surgery as my birthday gift. That's a pretty darn expensive birthday gift. I think it's just a cop-out so he doesn't have to think up an idea all on his own! Of course, the suggestions I've been making aren't exactly cheap either: a custom-made shirt from my favourite clothing store would be about 50$. Now that I know the cost of surgery, I can't make him pay for the whole thing. That's just mean. He can pay for half which was the idea when I first found out that non-breeding rabbits should be altered. I haven't made the appointment yet because I need to find out when he'll be free to take Pfeff and I to the hospital. I won't be able to go alone because I know I'll break down and cry. A lot. I got a little misty just thinking about my bun having to be operated on. Ugh, I'm such a mommy!

[update] so Pfeff's neutering appointment is made for Tuesday, April 18th. Including taxes and bloodwork, the grandtotal of the surgery will be: 248.40$ (if my calculations are correct). Eep! I just hope my baby bun won't be in need of pain meds on top of all that. Goodbye money...

Yesterday, Shay accompanied me while I picked up a bag of hollow plastic Easter eggs. I had this geeky idea to have Pfeffer pose with them since this is my first year of having my own personal Easter Bunny. As per usual, he's not very happy when it comes to cameras and loathes the flash with an unrivaled passion. The flash had to be turned off so some of the pictures came out a little dark. I downloaded a few Easter-themed fonts so that I could make pretty images for this weekend. Expect a few to be posted nearer the end of the week.

Now, I'd like to remind anyone who is thinking of getting a rabbit for Easter that Easter & bunnies don't mix! Unless you are prepared to put in a decade's worth of work and love into treating your bunny as he/she deserves to be treated, then just stick with bunnies made of chocolate. Many rabbits are handed over to shelters or abandoned outside a month or two after Easter because people don't want to care for them anymore. I don't understand how people can so easily give up a member of their family. If it were a child who was left outside because he/she was unwanted by parents then the world would be in an uproar. Animals deserve the same kind of respect. But, if you are thinking of adding a pet to your household, do save someone's life and adopt from a shelter instead of purchasing an animal from a pet store. If you live in Southern Ontario, then today's link is for you!

*link of the day* Rabbit Rescue: "We are a 'NO KILL' Charity dedicated to saving lives of those most in need. Rabbit Rescue Inc. is a registered charity dedicated to finding new homes for domestic rabbits that have been abused, abandoned or neglected... We rescue 'last chance' animals, who have run out of time at shelters in Ontario. Without Rabbit Rescue, these animals would be euthanized... Rabbits make wonderful pets! They are affectionate, easy to litter train, quiet and can be downright hilarious!"

2006-04-06T16:36:00.000-04:00

Lightly tracing fingers down her skin. A gentle wisp of breath at the nape of her neck. The soft brush of a mouth upon her throat. She arches her back into the touch as warmth from another's hand spreads out over her flesh. The lips that kiss her body leave small wet marks which cool rapidly in the air. Alternately feeling both hot and cold her excitement leads her to break out in goosebumps. Her skin prickles as the tiny hairs rise up. Her eyes are shut and she sees nothing but her senses tell her the other is so very near. Her toes twitch in anticipation. Her sides are tickled gently and she giggles. The hands brush through her hair, massaging her scalp and ridding her of any tensions she may have endured throughout her day. Fingers lightly dancing over her nipples, causing them to stand at attention. The smoothness of her skin is temporarily marred by the tiny little bumps of excitement but that is no cause for worry. This new bumpy texture is heated with a tongue and softened with the palms of hands. She can't help but flinch as the fingertips come into contact with some of her most sensitive areas.

The heady scent of the burning candles works its way into her head, creating a sweet fog for her to drift in. She feels warmer than she was previously and a smile snakes its way onto her features. Gently her lips are licked, kissed and caressed. Those lovely hands urge her to roll over onto her stomach where they begin to massage her back, spreading their lovely heat deep into her core. She lays there blissful, enjoying the quiet atmosphere save for the swish of hands working her sore muscles. With her eyes shut she gives in to the sensations.

smack!

Her eyes fly open in shock. Her whole body tenses in reaction to the sudden forceful feeling. Slowly, she brings her hand down to rub the back of her upper thigh where she can still feel the sting of a palm connecting with her flesh. It is warm to her touch and she knows that if she were to look in a mirror it would be a little more pink than her usual skin tone. Calmly she brings her arm back to rest where it had been before. She waits to feel the sting again. A smile snakes its way onto her features, this time lighting up her eyes.

*stupid link of the day* The Art of Retouching: Glenn Feron, a professional retoucher has put up some examples of his work and, wow, some of those women end up looking completely different from their original shots.

2006-04-04T01:49:00.000-04:00

I tend to avoid the mirror during certain times of the month. Like most women, I go through phases of self-esteem and when I'm bloated, cramping and overemotional, I don't usually enjoy the sight of my own reflection. For the next few days my pants and my bras won't fit as comfortably as they usually do, my skin feels different, my stomach won't tolerate certain foods but I crave mass quantities of chocolate and/or salty foods, I cry at the drop of a hat and I sleep a lot more than usual. It's just an all around awful week. I've got a paper to write and a final coming up on Friday.

The mirror is my enemy. It knows how much the truth hurts and it shows me just that. There is a large ceiling to floor mirror right by my bedroom door so that your reflection is the very first thing you see when you enter my bedroom. I will be sad to leave the mirror when I move out. On days like today, it's almost too much to have to see myself when entering and exiting my room. Stolen glances from the corner or my eye reveal nothing but flaws. Imperfections are maximized and my vision is drawn to them. Difficulty fitting into a pair of jeans that fit me well only a few days prior is enough to make my eyes well up. Covering myself in baggy clothing is nothing new since oversized clothes are a staple in my closet.

The mirror shows me what I'd like to refuse to see. I'd like to cover up the excess fat. Sometimes even the tiniest bulge over the elastic of my skimpiest underwear is enough to make me cringe. I'd love to have a personal airbrusher and I could live happily in a self-Photoshopped world, but then I wouldn't be a real person. Real people aren't perfect. The most I can do is avoid the mirror for now. Underneath my clothes I know the imperfections are still there. I can feel them with my hands. My fingertips brush over stretch marks and cellulite and places where there is a little too much jiggle. I want to hide in my pyjamas forever so no one will see what I look like underneath.

Then there is he who forces me to deny the negativities of the mirror. He who never finds it too much to give me a smile. He who could act completely platonic around me all day but suddenly sweep his arm around my waist bringing butterflies into my stomach. The way he can pull my hair back so that my head tilts up to meet his gaze makes my knees weak. He thinks I am beautiful even though I joke that he never tells me. He doesn't have to (although a girl does like to hear the words every so often). It's in his actions and how he is so willing to do things for me to ensure that I am spoiled rotten. Even from him I make the effort to hide myself during period week. He thinks it's funny that I get out of control girly and, oddly enough, I find comfort when he laughs at my tears instead of turning away like I would have expected. I'll burrow in between his arms and hope that the rest of the world can go away temporarily. Nothing will go right for me over the week. I will just have to continue to ignore the mirror since I can't ignore the cramping.

Today I felt so sick that I was debating over taking medication (if you know me then you'll understand what a big deal that is). I spent a large chunk of today curled up in bed in the fetal position because it was the best way to lessen the cramps. I did get a lovely surprise though: Joey showed up to take me to go see "Ice Age: The Meltdown"! It was a great movie. I couldn't stop giggling. The possums were hilarious and so was the little squirrel, Scrat, as always.

*stupid link of the day* -1str/+1cha geek shirt: "sure you don't have the physical strength of your male counterparts, but what you lack in raw muscle you make up for in charisma. Let the geeks of the world know that you're a sexy gal with her finger on the pulse of nerd culture with our first exclusively ladies tee!"

2006-03-31T23:58:00.000-05:00

Today I met up with the lovely Shay. It turns out we go to the same university and, even better, we live less than five minutes from each other! Around 3:00 this afternoon, I met her at one of the Tim Horton's on campus (yes, there's more than one) where we sat and chatted for a while. I think we get along quite well and have the same weird sort of outlook on life. Around 3:30 a friend of hers showed up and I found out we all have a love of video games so, at some point in the near future, we've planned a video game night of nerdiness. Unfortunately our meeting had to end all too soon since she and her friend had to head to the gym before they go to another friend's BBQ in the evening. Too bad it rained for a large chunk of the day today. Shay wrote about our meeting here.

As for my evening, I watched a cheesy, lame movie called "Dark Kingdom: The Dragon King (Ring of the Nibelungs)" and I learned that boys are gross. A certain boy, who shall go un-named, thinks it is amusing to make many farts under his fluffy duvet cover because said duvet cover traps smells until you lift the cover off. I was bombarded with the scent of many combined farts. The certain boy pinned me down on the bed so I couldn't leave the room. After struggling, I managed to crawl out and went to go sulk in the kitchen for a while. The certain boy couldn't stop giggling. I told him he owes me and can make it up to me by taking me to see "Ice Age 2" sometime soon. Harumph! Boys...

To end on a much happier note, here is a picture to document the meeting of Shay and JeN! We totally rock and everyone out there should know it. At some point, I am also going to introduce her to the delight that is Tim Horton's ice caps. Yummy!

*stupid link of the day* Bunny Yawns: a website that collects pictures of bunnies yawning. It's soooo cute! I've caught Pfeff yawning a few times but I've never had a camera handy. I don't think I could be that quick with a shot anyway.

2006-03-28T17:55:00.000-05:00

On her back his weight presses her down. She is unable to move away. One of his arms snakes down so his hand cups her ass. His other hand holds a fistful of her hair. He pulls slowly and firmly letting her head turn back to bare her throat. With his weight on her chest she struggles to draw air into her lungs. His breath is hot and ragged against the side of her face as he thrusts into her. The muscles in her thighs start to burn from keeping her legs spread so far apart. She welcomes every twinge of pleasure and pain as they drive her thoughts away and leave her mind empty save for the present.

After it is all over, they both collapse, tired and sweating. Smiles form on both their mouths. He kisses her gently before he gets up to grab his clothes. She sits up, drawing the covers tighter around her body and running her fingers through her newly tangled hair. The flush has not yet left her face as she bites her lip in disappointment. Just before he leaves he holds her close and whispers "have fun studying." The bastard only provided a short distraction before leaving her to her books. One exam Wedesday night and one the next morning. She sighs, resigning herself to the upcoming period of stress. For now, she procrastinates by writing things other than notes on her textbook chapters. He had better make it up to her once she's finished studying.

*stupid link of the day* View From Satellite: you can view the Earth from different satellites. Of course, if you choose one that's looking at the earth on the "night" side, you won't see a damn thing.

2006-03-25T17:56:00.000-05:00

I saw "The Hills Have Eyes" last night. If you're like me and you don't like scary movies I am definitely not recommending this one. It wasn't so much that it was scary as it was bloody, gore-filled and creepy. I was almost jumping out of my seat every few minutes because my nerves were frayed and I held Joey's arm and a fistful of his shirt so tightly that even today my arm muscles hurt. I was holding his shirt because he said that when I accidentally dug my nails into his hand when I squeezed hurt too much. After the movie was over my hands were shaking and I was jumping at every little noise.

To make up for the scary movie, Joey took me to a big pet store so I could buy fun things for Pfeffer. There were a couple of female mini-Lops being sold at the store and they were so sweet and so soft. My heart went out to them. They were sold as a pair while we were shopping and replaced with two other mini-Lops of equal cuteness.

Right now, I'm home alone and scared of everything. Joey's gone out to play poker with some guys so he can't be here to keep the scaries away from me. It doesn't help that I'm listening to some metal music (Avenged Sevenfold), which I am actually surprised that I like since that genre isn't one I typically listen to. Later tonight I am going to watch something sweet and Disney-like to calm my nerves. I'm still pretty frazzled and am hoping that writing this out will start the calming process. Not very likely...

I'm not quite sure how I should feel when my partner can fit into my jeans... Scared? Concerned? Disturbed? I don't get it. I'm reasonably smaller than he is so how exactly does it work that he can get into my pants well enough that he is able to get them done up? If I try his pants on, I can't get them to stay on my hips unless I hold them up. Guys should definitely not wear pants this tight. The sight of it hurts my eyeballs.

*stupid link of the day* Kittens!!!!!: a whole lot of pictures of kittens doing kitten things, especially being cute. this site is not dial-up user friendly. I am also dedicating today's stupid link to Amber since she loves kitties so much.

2006-03-22T15:18:00.000-05:00

Too exhausted to enjoy the upcoming end of school year. Too sleepy to smile about "Ice Age: The Meltdown" coming out at the end of the month. Too withdrawn to be excited about my upcoming birthday (32 days to go).

My parents are horrible secret keepers and I can only be glad that I didn't inherit that trait from either of them. My dad spilled the beans about the puppies, my mom is always informing me of what my presents will be, like around Christmas time when she asked if I liked Hello Kitty because she bought me a pyjama set already. A couple days ago, while talking to my mom on the phone she asked me if I had purchased any movies recently.
me: no, why?
mom: because of your birthday.
me: so you already bought lady and the tramp, I take it? (she had asked me in Feb if I would be interested in getting the special edition release of the movie)
mom: yup. and the new harry potter too.
me: cool! I don't have any of the harry potter movies yet.
mom: none? hmm...
So, as you can see, I already know what I will be getting. Not that I'm complaining. I also need to ask for a black belt since the one I have is slowly falling apart.

As April draws closer and the workload piles higher, my motivational skills lessen. All I really want to do is to curl up in my bed with a good book and, if it was possible, snuggle with Pfeffer. It also helps that nothing has been going my way lately. I've never had anything lost in the mail before but, lo and behold, my T2202A form never made it from the post office to my mailbox so I've had to go and shell out 10$ to request another copy which I can pick up on Monday to mail to my parents so my mom can do the taxes. Yesterday, when I went to the student accounts office to say I hadn't received my form yet, the woman behind the desk looked at me like I was a nutcase to even so much as suggest that something could possibly have gotten lost in the mail. The woman I talked to today was much nicer and sympathetic.

I would love to have the chance to be completely and utterly used and abused by the boy but I don't seem to be able to put in any effort on my part into making that a reality. He's been having a rough time with life as well and is heading out to the bar tonight (possibly with his brother) to drink away the angry. I can only wonder if this will result in him phoning me at 3:00am completely intoxicated as he has done on more than one occasion in the past. Oh miss Scooter will be grumpy tonight when Daddy comes home smelling like rye.

My little world has been pretty dull as of late. Nothing interesting or out of the ordinary has been going on which leads to an unwillingness to post because I have nothing to say. Sure, I've been seeing friends, doing homework and playing with Pfeffer but none of that makes for any eyebrow raising. I could write some fiction but my creative spark has been somewhat dulled due to the mass of writing I've had to wring out of my brain for all these class assignments. I think part of this long span of the dulls is caused by the fact that it's March, the weather hovers around zero degrees Celcius and there's still some snow left on the ground. The grass is brown, the birds don't sing, the sun isn't bright and I'm still cold.

I need to make some time for hot hot sex. I need to make some time to get out and get some cute new underwear. I need to make some time to give Pfeffer some extra snuggles. I need to make some time to spend with the boy without feeling like there's a limit being set. I need to make some time to get organized. Hell, I need some time to make some time. 24 hours in a day seems like a lot but it's all too easy to realize it's nowhere near enough.

*stupid link of the day* Face Transformer: you can upload an image of yourself to transform your face into what you would look like as another race. I tried it and while I didn't look racially any different than what I do now, the results were just too hilarious to pass up.

2006-03-19T03:10:00.000-05:00

Being taken for granted isn't something that people strive for. It's not something that anyone wants to accomplish but it seems to be one of those things that may inevitably show up among many relationships. There are countless websites on the internet devoted to relationships and how you can avoid being taken for granted by their partner, quizzes about how you can tell if you are being taken for granted or not, and advice on how to work through problems involving someone taking you for granted. How does something like this start?

After a relationship has been established for a significant amount of time, the partners will gradually leave the infatuation and excitement of a new relationship behind. The initial spark that connected them may fade into something more comfortable although not disappear entirely. Once a level of comfort has been found, it is very easy to begin to assume the other person will be around. You no longer need to ask your partner if they would like to make plans with you on X day because you can just assume that they will be free and are willing to accompany you. Once you start to make assumptions about your partner it is easy to fall into a rut of thinking they will be there for you whenever you so desire them.

I don't understand why it is such a big deal to continue asking your partner if they would care to make plans with you instead of just assuming they will be free. Personally, I like to be asked since, to me, it signals consideration on the other person's part.

Yay! Mini-rants make me feel a little better. I've been a busy busy beaver lately as the end of the term is nearing so I've got lots of work due soon. Friday night, instead of celebrating St. Patrick's Day with most of the beer-guzzling masses, Joey decided that he wanted to see a scary movie and that I was to be a part of that. Me, I can't stand scary movies. I don't like to see anything gruesome and I am quite happy "watching" the movie by peeking through my fingers. He wanted to either rent a movie or go see "The Hills Have Eyes", which is a Wes Craven remake. After reading reviews of that movie, I opted to not go see it since slasher flicks are definitely not my cup of tea. We rented "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" since we both had friends who said the movie was terrifying. It was a little creepy but I wasn't scared at all. I was more freaked out by the fact that this story actually happened, despite the fact that the movie is obviously only loosely based on it.

I have this deal with scary movies: if we watch one together then I have to sleep over since I will most likely not be able to sleep alone. Yeah, I get scared easily. "Emily Rose" didn't scare me but, being home alone the next day, I was jumping at every little noise. Unfortunately for me, Joey still wants to go see "Hills" and he gets some sort of sick glee knowing that I am scared of horror movies so he'll probably make me go see it with him in the theatre. If it was a book I'd have no problem reading it. I love reading scary books. The more gore the better. I just don't want to see it on television or in real life. If I die of fright next weekend, you will all know why.

As much of a butthead as Joey can be, he does spoil me rotten. We spent a long time in several pet stores a few days ago, both of us buying stuff for our respective pets. He was all concerned that Princess Scooter wasn't drinking enough water so he bought her this Catit Water Fountain. The description says it's quiet but during "Emily Rose" I could still hear it and the constant sound of running water kept making me feel like I had to pee. Scooter loves the fountain which is all that really matters, I suppose. I'm trying to convince him that she NEEDS this princess cat food dish from Cat-Alog.com. If you knew her you'd understand that she needs a dish like this as well as the whole princess cat set. I bought some toys and some snacks for Pfeff and, as usual, all toys are ignored. The rabbit is hopeless! I don't want my pumpkin to be bored but I can't seem to find anything it wants to play with or chew. My rabbit is one who likes to run and climb. I still want to find something it will like to chew on and/or toss so I can get those teeth worn down.

List of toys as of today:
Shake n Chew
Crispy Chews
toilet paper rolls
grassy mat
carrot Flip n Toss
apple sticks
Big Nut Knot Nibbler
knaw bone
Tuggers wood chew (star shape)
harness + leash
plastic cat ball with bell
hanging wooden bird toy
wicker basket filled with paper for digging
washcloth
plush whale toy
wooden spoon
wooden block
rabbit igloo
living world snap inn
canary nest

I want my baby to get used to the camera so it will be easier for me to take pictures. A while ago I decided to film a quick 30-second video of my bun shredding a little cardboard box filled with a treat of honey-coated seeds (junk food for bunnies). I apologize for the video being so dark. The sun was going down and I didn't want to disturb Pfeff by getting up to switch on a light.
Pfeffer shredding a box

*stupid link of the day* Kama Sutra the Game: this has to be the dumbest "sex" game ever. It's like an awful version of Tetris. You have to control the slowly floating girls into positions on a bed. Lame... But it's from the magazine "Loaded" so I'm not very surprised.

2006-03-12T18:03:00.000-05:00

A picture post since I don't really have anything interesting to write about for now...

Nice girls can wear skimpy panties under their clothes. I think it's a great way to feel good about yourself even if no one else is going to see your undergarments. With the fashion being lower-rise pants these days, sometimes your pants will tend to slip a little too low when you bend over. Instead of showing your butt crack, you can show your underwear instead! I found this pair at my favourite affordable lingerie store La Senza. I had to get them because they've got daisies on 'em and those are some of my favourite flowers. The front of the underwear is bright orange so although the colours clash with each other (orange & green) I think it makes a nice contrast of bright colours against the dullness of winter. Luckily it's been getting warmer here lately. Today is 14 degrees Celcius! I would have gone outside today but it's been drizzling all day.

I got this shirt from a little cart in some mall. I think it was the Eaton Centre. I've had the shirt for a few years now so it's a little faded and some of the writing is beginning to peel off but I still wear it all the time because I like the coy little message written on it. The question is: do I really do bad things or do I just pretend I do? A girl I was friends with in highschool, Lisa, went on a trip and saw a pair of panties that also said "I do bad things" on them and she thought of me. They're pink with a little black cat next to the writing. If I wear both the underwear and the shirt I suppose the question becomes even more intriguing.

I've never really owned a piece of actual lingerie before. I didn't really see the point in owning something you'd only end up wearing for 20 minutes tops. This past summer, La Senza came out with this line called "Candy" and it was full of brightly-coloured and patterned stuff. I fell in love with almost all of it. I really like bright colours. Quite a few things in my underwear drawer are from this line. I saw this lime green and hot pink teddy-thing in the store and decided that I wanted it. The thong it came with sports a hideous pink bow on the back so that had to come off. With a bit of convincing, I got Joey to purchase the set for me. It didn't cost much anyway. About 30$, I believe. I think it was worth it!

Canadian girls can be hot too! So much of the wild nekkid girl partying is born from the USA and it seems that the only attractive women come from there. Around Canada Day there is an overabundance of stuff, especially clothing, that has maple leafs and other things plastered all over. This summer I decided to pick myself up a pair of underwear and a red & white tank top to wear on Canada Day. My family gets together for a BBQ at my parents' house every year so I figured I should look festive. The best part was afterward when I got to go to Leya's grandparents' house with Joey and Lauren and we got to watch the fireworks display. Lauren and I ended up getting drunk with Leya's grandparents. It was wonderful! I am definitely looking forward to July 1st this year.

As some of you may know, I can't stand it when people smoke. A little while ago, my school had a campus wide "Smoke Free Day" where the goal of the day, if you were a smoker, was to not smoke for 24 hours. Needless to say, there were an awful lot of people who weren't participating. There were a bunch of booths set up in the Student Life Centre who were giving out free goodies and information about how to quit smoking successfully. I took a copy of everything, even the Nicorette samples and gave it all to Joey who was not at all impressed. Yeah, I can be a bitch. I kept a few things for myself like a temporary tattoo, some stickers, and a couple of these cute little coasters. No smoking equals happiness. I know it certainly makes me happy. I could be my own advertisement!

I really like when stores have great sales going on. I've wanted a push-up bra for years now but the good ones are pretty damn expensive. Just before Christmas time, my beloved La Senza was having a wicked sale on all their bras so, along with my friend Devon, I went to check it out. I wanted to get the classic black colour but the store was out. I think I wear one of the most common sizes since a lot of the time my size isn't on the rack. Next choice would be my favourite colour: red. The bra definitely works. After wearing it for a whole day, you can really feel the difference when you take it off. Now I just need to find some time to go out so I can show it off. The internet will have to do for now then. I do wonder why a lot of guys have a schoolgirl thing going on. I always went to public school and I never had to wear a uniform (I am grateful) so I don't see anything wrong with trying to dress like a Catholic girl on occasion. My best friend lives across the street from a Catholic highschool and, wow, a lot of the girls who attend that school fit the stereotype perfectly.

Another well-loved pair of panties. I think the writing they have on them speaks the truth no matter whether you are reading the front or the back. They were only 5$ and I'm pretty sure they were designed with some 14-year old girl in mind. This is really not the most attractive shot of my behind but, hey, none of us are perfect so why should our pictures be? Anyway, you know you wanna spoil me because I so deserve it. Ha!

Just procrastinating by playing with some photo editing. I wanted to find out how well the colourizer works. It seems that the red I wanted to have showing so badly looks more like a pink. In time I'll learn how to fix that but for now you can all see my first attempt at colourizing a picture. I put the orange in my hair since there really is orange in my hair but it's mostly in the back. I'll have to remember to get a shot of it sometime. Lauren and I have way too much fun with bleach when we get together for hair dye day. The red along the bottom of the picture highlights my chili pepper underwear, complete with little plastic pepper charm. You're not able to read it but the writing on the band says "spicy". I just liked the little charm. I'm a simple person. My only guess is that you're really not supposed to wear pants so low so that the charm is visible above them. That would be tacky beyond belief.

And one last picture of yours truly. I've been having a rough time lately. Life is busy busy busy. Maybe these pictures will give me a well-needed boost to my self-esteem. I think I'm looking pretty decent today. A chunk of yesterday was spent at Home Depot picking up stuff to start in on Pfeffer's new house. Joey did most of the work so he deserves some applause. My little darlin' now has a nice XL carpet-lined dog crate to call home. Eventually there will be another level added and a half floor above that which will be the bunny lounge. I think Pfeff likes it. Oh, who am I kidding? The rabbit isn't happy unless it's out running around or eating as much food as it can get.

*stupid link of the day* Past Life Analysis: who or what were you like in your past life? This website can give you an idea. It's just up to you whether or not you believe it.

2006-03-09T01:04:00.000-05:00

I don't think Pfeffer likes Joey much. It's not quite an obvious dislike. It's more of a civil tolerance on the rabbit's part. Of course, I've asked the boy if he thinks of Pfeff affectionately to which he says "yes" but that could always just be to make me feel better.

Tonight, Joey was supposed to come over around 9:30. Half an hour passed, then another and another. At 11:00 his dad called me to ask me if I've seen his son. I said I guessed he was at the bar. A while later, Joey finally calls me to let me know that he wasn't coming over (gee, nice to let me know finally) because he had been at the bar with a co-worker and was going back out drinking with some friends. He's been working a lot recently and totally deserves some time off.

After talking to him, I put my face down to Pfeffer's level and I said to the bun "I don't think daddy loves us anymore" as a joke since I had told Pfeff to expect daddy tonight. My baby gave my nose a sniff and a lick as if to say "don't worry, mommy, I still love you", then proceeded to celebrate the continued absence of daddy by doing the Bunny 500 and binkies* for the next five minutes straight and ending it all off with a very satisfied bunny flop.

I don't think Pfeffer likes Joey much. Now how can I explain to my baby that if it weren't for daddy, little Pfeffy would be in someone else's home right now? Someone who probably wouldn't spoil the bun-bun as much as I do. Ugh, children. I love my baby pumpkin!

*the Bunny 500 is where the rabbit takes off on a mad dash running full speed around the room. a binky is a little jumping dance a rabbit does to show that it is very happy

*stupid link of the day* Steak & Blow Job Day: women get Valentine's Day on February 14th so men deserve this day one month later. Let me know if you end up celebrating this coming Tuesday!

2006-03-03T15:47:00.000-05:00

She is fast asleep and dreamless. She knows nothing but the warmth of the duvet and the softness of the pillows cushioning her head. Curled up on her side she seems peaceful. From beside her a hand runs gently over her hip causing her to stir from her slumber. She has yet to even open her eyes as she feels someone tugging at her panties. Without thinking, she shifts to pull them off her body and turns her head back to the pillows where she can once more rest. The hands become arms as she is rolled over onto her back and the duvet is thrown off. Goosebumps break out on her skin as she feels the cold air from the open window upon her. Thighs parted, her conscious is still foggy from sleep and she has trouble recognizing where she is.

Someone is between her legs. A tongue brings pleasure immediately and any chance she had of forming coherent thought is whisked away. She isn't quite sure if she is dreaming or not but as the warm waves wash over her body she is content to focus solely on the feelings. An orgasm takes her and once it is over the need to sleep follows and her mind becomes foggy once more.

He rolls her back onto her side and caresses her body with his hands. In her dazed state the only thing she notices is the heat from his erection pressed against the small of her back. Slipping lower, he enters her easily. Whispers in her ear bring her out of sleep into a semi-awake state. She is his little whore and she does want to be fucked with his cock. She can't stop her voice from responding any more than she can stop her body.

Satsfied with a cock in her pussy, her eyes widen as she feels one of his hands begin to prod around another orifice of hers. His finger enters her ass as he continues to fuck her. It was a sensation she hadn't experienced in months and it quickly clears through the fog of sleep she was surrounded in. Now she is fully conscious of where she is and what is happening... and that it feels good. She closes her eyes and enjoys what he is doing to her. She is surprised that he woke her for sex when he claimed exhaustion only a couple hours prior to waking. She got what she wanted so she has no right to complain.

When they are both cleaned up and satisfied, he crawls back into bed and falls asleep almost immediately. Now completely awake, she lies there beside him cursing his snoring and the jingling of the cat's bell. She is unable to sleep for the next few hours so she contents herself with listening to the radio and petting the kitten whenever the fluffy little minx decides to appear. She only gets a few hours of sleep but the smile she wakes up with was worth it all.

*****
The second cake I've ever decorated didn't turn out quite as nice as the first one. I didn't have enough time left in the class to complete it, you see. We were supposed to have a bouquet of six roses and the borders were supposed to be shells and tiny flowers. The class is only two hours long and since I ran out of time I've only got three roses and a quick border of stars.
Rose Cake shot 1
Rose Cake shot 2
Rose Cake shot 3

*stupid link of the day* Nanaca Crash: this game is very highly addictive. You are a guy on a bike and you have to make your way through this sort of obstacle course made of girls, each of whom have different powers (stop, boost, slow down, etc). You also have powers of your own concerning angles pointing up and down. Your goal is to get as much distance as possible. The wonderful db was kind enough to send me in a screen shot of his accomplishment, which was 8989.67 metres so if any of you can beat that you will definitely have to send me a screen shot to top the one I have now.

2006-03-01T01:50:00.000-05:00

Another mood killer moment just for your amusement, Prospero! So Joey's been playing a lot of Star Wars on Xbox and he told me he's been whistling the theme non-stop at work. Just as the act of penetration occured he started whistling more Star Wars music and all I could picture was ol' Darth Vader storming down a hallway ready to give orders. Needless to say, I started laughing and, well, I don't know about the other women out there but when I laugh that shit tightens up. I laughed so hard that I squeezed the poor boy right out!

We tried again once the giggles had died down only to have him start making wookie sounds like Chewy, which led to more laughter and squeezing. Then on the third attempt he made beeping and clicking sounds like the ones R2-D2 makes! Arg! Now I'm a Star Wars fan so I thought this was all hilarious. I told him as long as he didn't suggest that I be Princess Leia to his Luke Skywalker we'd be okay (for those who don't know [slight spoiler], Luke and Leia are brother and sister). Guess I should be glad he never pulled out the British accent for C3PO or an impression of the furry little Ewoks.

I should really seek revenge sometime. Anyone have any suggestions? I've just gotta hope that the slut-slut doesn't read 'em before I do.

Off topic: I think my poor baby Pfeffer has some sort of mites (skin problems are common in rabbits) and my precious bun bun was scratching so much that there is an irritated, and now hairless, spot on the back of its right ear. A home remedy I found online says that putting a drop of oil in the bun's ear for a few days will drown any mites. I did that with an incredibly angry and oily bunny as a result. Now my little pumpkin tummy is no longer bothering its ear but the irritated spot has turned into a flaky scab. I hope that means it's healing. Any suggestions on rabbit care? And included is a lovely picture of my bunilla looking all angry and scruffy because of the oil being smeared around. To make up for it, I snagged a big bag of really expensive imported from the US name brand Oxbow Timothy Hay. It's a big hit with my super spoiled baby! I am a slave to a rabbit... and I couldn't be happier.

In honour of the Star Wars theme today, here is a song by MC Chris called "Fett's Vette" that I happen to adore. ~~song~~ | lyrics

*stupid link of the day* Baby Name Wizard: finally, a link I really find interesting. Type in a name, any name, and find out when it was most popular. Mine was big in the 80s which isn't surprising since that's the decade I was born in. My parents weren't very original, I suppose... Joey's name is boring and was mostly popular decades ago (ha ha ha "Joseph").

2006-02-27T14:06:00.000-05:00

Video game night was my favourite part of going home for Reading Week. I spent it with two of my awexome friends, Andrea and Lauren. They're the only other two girls I know who are really into gaming and I'm very glad we all get along so well and that we like the same sorts of games. As slow as we are to catch up on the world of RPGs (role-playing games), we are ever so steadily working our way through the third and final time playing Final Fantasy X. We've started the game twice already just to realize we've screwed up something and had to start again. This time we've got it all down and we are determined to beat this bitch.

Tuesday, after my dentist appointment, I went over to Andrea's all excited to hang out with her and Lauren, neither of whom I have seen since New Year's. Well, I got to Andrea's expecting her and Lauren to greet me at the door only to find out that she wasn't home. I was let in the house by the man who was repainting her mom's bedroom. I am no stranger to Andrea's house since we've been friends for years, so I made myself at home, left a message on her cell and waited for her and Lauren to get back. They weren't long and once they came in, we left again to go buy groceries for dinner and alcohol. Andrea had to stop at her doctor's to get a splinter taken out of her finger.

Back at Andrea's, we made strawberry daquiris which turned out to be very yummy but quite potent. We also made Woo Woos, chosen simply because of the name, and are tasty.
the booze for the night
mixin' the daquiri mix
drinkin' the alcoholic slushee: JeN, Lauren, Andrea
Our meal for the night was simple and meat free as Lauren is a vegetarian. We opted to make wraps since they are easy and no fuss. One problem: where was the tzatziki sauce we had just bought from the grocery store? Somehow it never made it into the house with us.
lost sauce? oh no!
it's not on the table
it's not in the glass - looks like the inside of a vagina or an anus
a lightbulb was found instead
maybe if we threaten the sauce it will come out
In the end, Lauren went outside to look in the trunk of the car. There was the tzatziki wedged in the corner. I guess it was trying to hide from us since it didn't want to be eaten.
found sauce!
Once the sauce was found we could content ourselves with preparing the rest of dinner. Red peppers, cheddar cheese, iceburg lettuce and cucumber all got chopped up for us to eat.
cheese is tasty
however when the house is warm the cheese crumbles instead of grates
chop chop chop
we are master chefs *cough*

Much video gaming was had. We played until about 5am and then when Andrea woke up around 10am, the first thing she asked me was where Lauren and I had left off playing. When I told her she immediately asked to turn the system back on so we could get back to gaming. Now we are thisclose to cpmpleting the game. We've got a handful of sidequests left to do since we're on the search for Ultimate Weapons and we've got a couple aeons left to snag (Anima and the Magnus Sisters) and then we're all set to fight Jecht/Sin. We're so excited. Ah, it game night was wonderful! And now for some nerd pictures...
peace dudes
no evil
trying not to laugh
mostly normal shot

Friday, I went to see Disney's "Eight Below" with my dad. I am so very glad that I saw it because I think it's an amazing movie. I was a little concerned about Paul Walker's performance since he isn't the best actor but he wasn't bad. I found his character to be much more believable when happy than when upset and guilt-ridden. The dog actors are most definitely what make the film so good. I started crying once the poor puppers got left behind and didn't stop until the movie was over. Even my dad shed a few tears. If you're a dog nut like I am or if you just love any animal movie then I am highly recommending this one. Disney did a great job with it and I only wish they'd do more realistic animal movies. The story for "Eight Below" was inspired by a true story about some Japanese men who went to Antarctica with their sled dog team and had to leave them behind. There is a movie based on that called "Nankyoku Monogatari" ("Antarctica"). If I can find this one somewhere I am definitely going to watch it.
What can I say? Maya, Max, Shadow, Shorty, Truman, Dewey, Jack and Buck stole my heart.

*stupid link of the day* Areaology & David Bowie's Area: a little bit of internet space devoted to David Bowie's crotch.

2006-02-16T09:51:00.000-05:00

I won a Piper Award!

This is much more exciting than the Grammy's. Miss Piper seems to think I am a "hip chick" because this is what she wrote:

I think Jen's a hip chick, thoughtful, open-minded and with a good sense of humor. I always picture her in a European cafe, smoking clove cigarettes and drinking wine. I have no idea why. On occasion, her posts will flower into what I would consider literature, not mere writing. She doesn't over do it and the results are often quite lovely.

Well, I'm not anywhere near Europe so I can't be in a café. I think the closest I get is stopping frequently at Tim Horton's. I do want to go to a Dunkin' Donuts sometime just to compare. I'm not as classy as you make me out to sound, Piper dear. As of right now I am sitting here in my navy blue flannel PJs which have Grumpy Bear on them saying "shhh!!" since I've just gotten out of bed to find out that today is a snow day and I have no school. Hurrah! Too bad I didn't have any work due. I will spend today catching up on all the sleep I've been missing over the past couple weeks and playing with Pfeffer. Tonight I have my cake decorating class in which we're putting a rainbow on our cake (this will be my first time ever decorating a cake so I'm a tad nervous). Tonight Joey is stopping by to pick up my cake and drop it off at his mom's workplace tomorrow morning.
[update] the cake I made got a little ruined since it was pouring cats and dogs as I was taking it out to the car. The colours ran a bit and the "L" in my piping got screwed up, but all in all, here are pictures of my first ever cake decorating attempt!
Rainbow Cake shot 1
Rainbow Cake shot 2

Now since I don't have any reason to get up for a few more hours I am going back into my nice warm bed. But first, some previously posted pictures (oooh alliteration) for old time's sake.

[edit] so, this evening, things were getting hot and heavy between the slut & I and, just as he is about to go down on me, he lifts his head up and says "did you know that walruses can eat up to 3000 clams each day?" We both started laughing hysterically. Talk about a total complete mood killer! We watch way too many nature shows on the Discovery Channel.

*stupid link of the day* Judge Lets Man Change Name to "Jesus Christ": this isn't so much weird because the guy chose his new name to be "Jesus Christ", it's weird because he seems to think he is Jesus Christ. If Jesus really was a real person then this would be more amusing but I guess we'll never really know. (thanks for the link, Rob)

2006-02-13T19:17:00.000-05:00

Another grandma visit is over and done with. Last time I was there, it turns out Joey's grandma liked me. This time seems to have turned out the same way: I got another hug and a wet kiss on the cheek. We (Joey, his mom, his brother and I) were at the grandma's house in Ancaster for about 7 hours yesterday and it was quite brutal trying to be on my best behaviour when I was already exhausted from not sleeping very well the two nights prior. She asked me some tough questions, like "what do you plan on doing with your life after you're done school" to which I had no immediate response. Joey and I did make some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to bring and everyone seemed to think they were quite tasty. Bambooey is still thriving, which was good to know. I got a free dinner since we went out to eat and I got to stare at the cute blonde server with the nice butt. I know both Joey and Michael thought she was cute too. Too bad she looked like she was about sixteen.

Obesio asked me "How do you think you would feel if the two of you [Joey and I] broke up tomorrow?" in my comments so now I shall answer that.
Well, if it happened tomorrow, I will admit that I would be rather shocked since I've not recieved any hints that it would happen. I'd probably also be hurt because of the suddenness and I would want to know why (who doesn't?). I would be very sad for a while and I'd probably retreat from the world a little bit and write a lot. I wouldn't be heartbroken unless the reason for the break-up was something like he cheated on me or found someone else. We haven't made any grand future plans except for superficial ones like movies so it's not like we have something standing to aim towards in the future. If we broke up I'd be very unhappy about it but I'd be okay in the end. Thanks for your question.

I was tagged by the delightful orchidea to do the five guilty pleasures meme.

sleeping in late when I have no big plans for the day
the Beach Boys' music
children's movies, especially ones I've loved when I was little
pretty undergarments
shameless flirting

This Sunday I get to go home for reading week. I can't wait! It'll be nice to see some friends again and Andrea, Lauren and I are already planning a ton of FFX time. We'll be playing late into the night. I also made plans with Lauren to dye our hair at some point since we've both got the itch to do it again. I wonder if anyone has done a study to find out whether dying your hair a lot is really bad for you? If so, I'm in trouble. I haven't seen my natural hair colour since around 1997. I'll also have to shield Pfeff from the puppies again. That bunny really hates travelling and it'll get to do it twice in one week. Poor bun. Speaking of Pfeff, it's time for me to go have bunny exercise time!

my gift to myself: the Moo Collection

*stupid link of the day* Anita's Origami: if you've got a thing for folding paper, here is a site that can teach you to fold all sort of animals, even a spider. why? (thanks, danae)

2006-02-07T02:37:00.000-05:00

Relationships are supposed to be work, however rewarding, but there are no rules to abide by in order to figure out exactly how to make one function positively. Sure, there are self-help books and writings about how to keep your marriage going, etc etc etc, but there is no possible way to know how to keep two (or more) specific individuals together for an extended period of time. What works for the general population may not be what will become the base of your relationship.

When entering a new relationship, not many people would immediately start to wonder how long it will last. Not many people will think about what the break-up would be like. Not many people would ponder over how long the heartbreak would take to pass. There are many people out there who are hopeless romantics, forever looking for (some may think they have already found) their "soulmate". Those who believe that there is one other person on this planet that is supposed to be the other half of their everything, a single being who is the final piece of the puzzle, the sole human who makes both hands clap. Is there actually such a thing? If so, how are we ever supposed to find that person? A quote from the delightful movie "When Harry Met Sally..." comes to mind: "All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband."

A relationship cynic is someone who "consciously or subconsciously no longer believes that [he or] she can find a lasting relationship" (from Dating Sabotage). That cynic would be me. Those stupid things where you are supposed to picture your life 10 years from now to be able to see if you will still be with your s.o. (significant other) are stupid. Picturing the future involves an imagination and, with mine being rather vivid, I could picture my life 10 years from now with the Easter Bunny just as easily as I could picture it with my partner. I don't romanticize my relationship. An example: after seeing trailers of movies I'd like to check out that don't get into theatres till mid-late 2006 (Over the Hedge, Happy Feet, Ice Age 2, etc), Joey and I mentioned that we'd like to see them, but realized that we may not necessarily be seeing them together. Who knows what the future holds?

Is being realistic going to save me from heartbreak if we do break up? No. Do I plan for us to break up? No. I have a tendency to say "when we break up", not "if" and I do wonder if perhaps the difference those two words have makes a difference in my view of the relationship. I don't like break-ups and I don't think many people do. I also don't know how long this relationship will last. It may continue on for years or it may not make it through this week.

When it comes to relationships, I am very bitter and cynical. Sometimes I envy those who can romanticize their lives with their s.o. I have a friend who "knows" that she and her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years are going to get married. I have met a girl who "knows" she wants to be engaged to her boyfriend of 10 months. I have a friend who has no freakin' clue if she will marry her boyfriend of almost 5 years, but "assumes" she will. I have a friend who "thinks" she may never have another relationship again. I have a friend who does not "want" a relationship any time in the near future. I have a friend who is desperate to start "dating" again just so she can have a boyfriend. I have a friend who has recently married her boyfriend of 5 years. I know a girl who has gotten engaged to her boyfriend of less than a year. I have a friend who has given her boyfriend of 4 years an engagement ultimatum (he has to propose by Jan '07 or else).

All of these people feel the pressures of society to be in a relationship. For some reason, it isn't a good thing to be single anymore and the pressure to be coupled only increases with age. I am only 22 and I have felt it already from my mother. I spent a few years not bringing home anyone I was possibly involved with to meet my parents and around April of last year my mom asked me if I was ever going to get another boyfriend. The underlying message was "if you can't get a boyfriend there must be something wrong with you" (she was possibly also thinking "is my daughter gay?" ). I was, and still am, a student. I don't think I should be looking for someone to "settle down with" while school is sucking away all of my resources. My mom has two sides to her. Some of the time she is hinting that I should find someone to settle down with and some of the time she is hinting that I am too young to think about settling down with anyone. Personally, I agree with the latter.

I have friends who can feel the pressures of society to be in a couple. I find nothing wrong with being single. I enjoy it. A lot of the time I miss it. Sometimes when I am out with female friends it is easy to pretend to forget that I am not single. For those I know who are currently in happy, fulfilling relationships, I am thrilled for them. The cynic in me does start to raise an eyebrow at relationship future assumptions, such as those who "know" they will get married. Monday evening was spent studying at a friend's house with friend A (who was the host) and friend D. Friend A took a quick phone call from her boyfriend when he called her to say hi during our study time. Friend D said something like, "I didn't know you had a boyfriend. Do you have a picture of him?" to which Friend A replied that she didn't have a picture of him in her possession at the moment. Friend D seemed to think that was strange. Why? I don't have a picture of Joey on display in my room (I used to have this one up for amusement's sake but replaced it with one of Delta & Truffle instead). One of my friends has several pictures of herself & her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years in her wallet, framed in her room, on her computer's hard drive and as the wallpaper on her computer's desktop. No wonder she thinks that someone not having a picture of an s.o. on display is out of place.

I haven't the faintest clue how to make a relationship last. The longest one I've had kept on for a year and a half (add on a few more months on the "getting back together" bit... which worked out SO well *<--sarcasm*... but I'd prefer to erase those from memory). I was once asked if I was "nuts about" Joey and I didn't know how to answer that. Yes, I do feel a lot for him (more than I'd like to admit, and he'll probably end up reading this) but I can't say I am seriously able picture myself with him X years from now. What spurred this ranty post was a very simple thing blown entirely out of proportion by my mind which is currently thinking irrationally and overanalytically again due to my period. It was a small conversation regarding the whole use of "when/if we break up". As I had already known, but had to dig through my memory to find it, Joey uses the same language I do when it comes to relationships. He had been talking to his little brother who, in a rather inebriated state, ended up saying that he liked me. The response referring to the relationship was "it won't last".

Why is it that when I say things like that I barely even notice but when he sees this in a similar way it... irks me? I mostly blame the crazy hormones but I know a teeny part of me wants to be able to romanticize and think that maybe, possibly, someone out there wants to stick by me. I don't know where the relationship is headed and I don't know how to keep it going (but everyone knows how to end one). He and I did not break up today so we will still be together tomorrow. I take it one day at a time, sometimes throwing caution to the wind and making plans for the near future. I don't know if we'll end up together or on opposite continents. We didn't break up today but what does tomorrow hold?

Only time will tell.

*stupid link of the day* Bubble Baba Challenge: floating blow-up dolls? kayaks? a contest of some sort? I don't understand, but the pictures alone certainly merit the award of "stupid link"!

2006-02-02T13:19:00.000-05:00

I want an engagement puppy instead of a ring. I was talking to a friend earlier today and she was telling me about how she and her boyfriend were starting to go ring shopping for her engagement ring. My first thought was something along the lines of "why is it always the guy who has to buy the ring for the girl?" which then led to "if she wants a ring so bad why can't she buy it herself? why does he have to foot the whole bill?" (yeah yeah yeah, tradition). So maybe it's the feminist in me coming out... just a tad.

I wouldn't find any enjoyment in a ring besides my usual "oooh shiny!" I don't want to wear anything with a real rock on it because I have a tendency to lose things. I also don't want a piece of jewelry that I am expected to wear all the time. I go through phases of wearing rings; sometimes I wear 'em for a while, sometimes I don't. To me, a chunk of metal with a rock on it doesn't signify commitment. An animal, someone you will have to raise and care for and look after means much more to me. A dog could easily live for 10 years so that is already a symbol of at least a decade of commitment right there (and with the divorce rate today, that's a long time). In typical romanticised fashion, I have already picked out the dog's name: Jester. Why that name? Because I would be the queen, my partner would be the king and, well, every court needs a jester. It's very nerdy, I know. The only positive point I can find for a ring would be being able to keep it as an heirloom, but since I don't plan on having children, that seems rather pointless. Besides, wouldn't a proposal involving a little cutie like THIS be so much more memorable?

I was tagged by Digger to complete the "Imperfect Partner Meme", so here it goes.
List 5 imperfections that you find annoying but could or have learned to live with. These are NOT deal breakers but they are irritating and annoying. But if your 8 perfect characteristics were met, you could learn to put up with these.

Clashing taste in music: if my partner loves to listen to a band or genre of music I can't stand, like country, it irritates the hell out of me whenever they play it in my presence. I can, and have, learned to live with it.
Inability to "let go": if I want to go skipping through the mall, I need to be able to know that my partner is either willing to skip with me or isn't bothered by me doing so on my own. if my partner can't just let go and be silly and childish with me sporadically, I find that irritating, but as long as we have similar senses of humour, I could live with it.
Difficulty in accepting my feminist values: while I wouldn't be able to carry on a relationship with someone who puts down women, a partner who has a hard time wrapping their head around the concept of feminism irritates me, but I would at least need them to be willing to let me explain my feminist values to them and for them to accept those values.
Habbits I personally find disgusting: such as nail biting, nose picking, stinky feet, etc. All those things irritate me to no end, but I am able to function through them (so far).
Being superficial: when a guy is constantly noticing other women by the way they look/act even when he doesn't know the women is very annoying to me. Yelling things like "running won't make you pretty" at women who are jogging is extremely degrading and the guy who yells it will definitely get an irritated look from me. If he is willing to let me explain why things like that bother me and to respect my opinions (and not be a chauvinist like that around me), then I suppose I could survive.

Geez, at this rate, those eight perfect characteristics I have built up in my head better all exist within the same person. Yeah, so I set my standards fairly high. I don't think there's anything wrong with high standards as long as they're not impossible ones. I really just need someone with whom I can get along well with, laugh and joke with, share with, teach and learn from, love and lust for, explore with, have commonalities and differences with, and who I find reasonably physically attractive.

*stupid link of the day* RPG character generator: if you were a Playable Character (PC) in a Role-Playing Game (RPG) what would you be? clickety click to find out!

2006-01-30T22:31:00.000-05:00

Goodbye to Brett & Hiromi of Panties Panties Panties fame. The things you two wrote and the pictures you put up were awexome. I looked forward to reading you every day and you will be sorely missed. Your sense of humour made me laugh, your recipe posts made me hungry, and your pictures made me wish I had a mad collection of lingerie (I still wanted to see Brett in nothing but underwear and the Cthulhu mask!).

Anyway, I wish you two the best in whatever it is you're up to now (probably more of the same, just no more writing about it). Hopefully we can keep in touch every so often over e-mail or something. Brett, Hiromi, I will miss your online personalities a lot. Your weblog brought a little sunshine to the ocean of the internet. Take care of you!

P.S. you'll have to let me know if you ever find a mushroom ottoman!

*stupid link of the day* in honour of the late great Panties^3, today's stupid link is Ice In Bra: a short video of some Korean girls stuffing their bras and panties with ice to see who can hold out the longest.

2006-01-27T12:13:00.000-05:00

Commercials can be banned from the SuperBowl for being too risqué. This website shows one of PETA's commercials that is not allowed to be played at anytime during the SuperBowl next weekend. Personally, I think the commercial is rather amusing, although a little extreme. It does prove a good point though: milk isn't just all about the udders, there are actual animals attached to them and we need to respect them.

The exposé that immediately follows the commercial is disturbing and not for the faint of heart, weak of stomach, or lover of animals. I couldn't watch all of it. I had to stop once the video showed the horrible death of a cow by the slicing of its neck. I am not ashamed to say that I sat at my computer sobbing because of the sight of this animal cruelty. I am also not ashamed to say that I am still crying. How can humans do this to animals simply because we seem to think that we are better than them? It's terrible.

While I can't say that I approve of everything that PETA does, I am glad that they exist along with other groups who are looking out for those who cannot speak in voices that can be understood. Animal Rights: Fight For Those Who Cannot Fight!

PETA's ad: Milk Gone Wild

2006-01-23T13:59:00.000-05:00

Girly moments come upon me unannounced. I get this strong need for arms around me, stroking my hair and someone telling me that I am loved and that everything is okay. I have the desire to be pressed up against someone else's (preferably male) warm body. I want that person to hurt me, to make me cry, to empty me of all thought and feeling. I want to sob and beg for the hurt to go away. I want every movement to be excruciating. Then I want quiet reassurance and tenderness as my wounds are caressed and I am cared for. Seems like quite a lot to ask for, especially when a moment comes along without warning. I was hit with one a short while ago and like most, if not all, of these moments, I can only deal with it and hope it soon passes.

I haven't felt like writing lately, not because I've been too busy or too stressed, but just because I had nothing to write about. My life is going on as usual and I haven't done anything exciting lately. I went and saw "Underworld: Evolution" on Saturday and while I found it disgustingly bloody, I very much liked the movie and am looking forward to the third installment. While Angelina's got a bun in the oven, Kate Beckinsale shall be my new girl crush.

My parents visited me yesterday and brought me groceries (yay!) and the puppies. They've gotten so big. They're losing their baby teeth so at the moment all they've got are their canines and little tooth nubbins everywhere else. It's sweet. I'm a little sad that I'm not around to see the girls growing up. Tomorrow they will be four months old and they're already pretty big; about the size of a Boston Terrier on the heavier side. I'd say Delta & Truffle weigh about 15 lbs each by now.

The school year is advancing and it's around time that tests start happening. I had one last week and I've got another one tomorrow. Must get motivated to study. It's tough when I'm feeling girly and wanting snuggles. I want to curl up and cry. The moment will pass, they always do. I just have to stick it out. I always do.

*stupid link of the day* Peter Pan's Home Page: some guy with a fascination for all things pixie. This is what my nightmares are made from.

2006-01-13T16:44:00.000-05:00

I can't stand it when people smoke. I think it's among one of the dumbest choices you can make in your lifetime. I know that a lot of people start when they are younger because of peer pressure or wanting to look "cool" but I still can't understand why they continue. Yeah, yeah... addiction. Addictions can be beaten. The fact that these people who smoke are readily aware of the fact that they are kiling themselves slowly with every puff revolts me. If you want to commit suicide so badly then why not do it quickly instead of murdering yourself slowly over years and years?

My mom is one of those people who really get to me. She smoked for years, even while she was pregnant with me. I remember her quitting when I was in late elementary school and she stayed cigarette-sober for five to six years when, all of a sudden, she started up again. After another couple of years she quit once more, only to start again later on. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in October 2004 and she had to quit smoking while going through chemotherapy and radiation treatments. She finished her treatments in August 2005 and still remained sober. When I went home over winter break this year, my mom was in the backyard with the puppies and I opened the back door to ask her a question only to see her with a cigarette in her hand. I was appalled! How can you be so glad to have recovered so recently from one form of cancer only to dive headfirst into the possiblilty of cancer all over again? It makes no sense to me.

I've never smoked, never even lifted one to my lips for a trial puff. The closest I've ever come was holding a smoke temporarily for someone when they needed to do something where they couldn't hold onto it. I've never even felt an urge to try it. The only feeling I get is this deep feeling of disgust in my stomach. I have friends who smoke. They know how much I don't like it and they always ask if I would mind if they had one. I usually lie and say that I don't mind. Instead I spend the whole time feeling ill and angry that they could do something like that to themselves. I am aware that I do have the option of saying that yes I do mind but I tend to make up for allowing the person to feed their addiction by making a snarky comment about how unhealthy cigarettes are for you. "If you get diagnosed with cancer I'm only going to show up at the hospital and say 'I told you so'."

Two of the reasons this topic has been nagging at the back of my mind are my mom and Joey. I can't even find any words to say to my mom after she comes back into the house reeking like smoke. As for Joey, he knows how much I hate it and so he doesn't smoke around me ever, which I am grateful for. The smell, the taste, everything stays on you after you smoke. He seems to think I never notice but I always do, even if I don't say anything. I can even smell it on my clothes, on my skin, in my bed after he's gone. I wish I would be imagining it but there's no mistaking that lingering, staining stink. That sickly sweet smell comes out of your skin pores, especially when you sweat. It's always easier to tell who smokes during the summertime when you can smell it on their skin.

I just get... angry... when I think about Joey smoking. I have no right to ask him to stop. I have no right to tell him what to do with any part of his life. He told me that he used to feel guilty doing it because he knew I hated it but he doesn't feel that way anymore. Every single time I smell it, every single time I taste it in his mouth (brushing your teeth and/or chewing gum don't work, I can always smell it) I think about leaving. Every single time that odour reaches my nose I think about telling him it's over. Why don't I do it? Is it because I love him too much? Is it because that I think dumping someone because you don't like one of their habits is a petty reason? Is it because a part of me is still hoping he'll quit?

I have no right to judge how someone else lives their life. I know that I am nowhere near a model citizen myself. I do not mean to preach to the choir or get up on my soapbox and tell people what to do with themselves. All I know are my own personal likes and dislikes. My choices are my own and yours are yours. It's up to me whether or not I want to deal with your choices. If I don't, I always have the option of walking away. Cigarettes and illegal drug usage are things I will never understand the need for. I've never been addicted to any substance and I guess I should be glad for that. I sometimes wish I could understand. I sometimes wish I could tolerate. It just makes me so angry and heartbroken I could cry.

A song by the Dresden Dolls about another kind of bad habit. One that I will admit to indulging in on more than one occasion.
~~Dresden Dolls - Bad Habit~~ | [lyrics]
*****
I've been tagged by Temptation, but I'm not tagging anyone else.

Here are the rules: The first player of this game starts with the topic and people who get tagged need to write an entry about their five weird habits as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose the next five people to be tagged and link to their web journals. Don't forget to leave a comment in their blog or journal that says 'You are tagged!' (assuming they take comments) and tell them to read yours. The following may not be weird to you but they are to somebody.

I can't stand for my skin to touch fleece while I sleep, especially my feet. I love fleece blankets since they keep me so nice and warm in the wintertime but I always have to sleep with another sheet between the fleece and I. I don't really like touching fleece in general but touching it while I am trying to get to sleep will bother me to no end.
I worry at my hangnails. I will rub them against another finger until they fall out. Since my fingernails grow pretty quickly, this can happen more often than you'd think.
I need to be chewing something while I write a test. If I don't have gum or candy or something chewable in my mouth I will end up biting my tongue, lips or fingernails instead which is rather painful.
I can be repulsed very easily, especially when it is me talking about something gross. I was once explaining to someone about the "puke princesses" in some Japanese "porn" and I could only get out a few sentences before starting to gag.
I put the caps back on markers when I am not immediately using them, and it also irritates me to not have a cap on a pen (even if it's on the opposite end from where the ink comes out). The cap habit I got from my dad since my mom told me that when I was little my dad made sure I always put the caps right back on my markers/pens when I wasn't using them.
One more random thing: I tear up whenever I see roadkill. It just makes me so sad to know that someone hit a poor innocent animal and just left it to die on the side of the road.

a small picture mosaic to sum up my 2005
*stupid link of the day* With This Herring I Thee Wed: a British woman marries a dolphin in a non-legally binding ceremony. Whatever happened to flowers & chocolates being gifts of affection?

2006-01-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

Together, when she feels so full of love she could burst. She could have never asked for anything more than this feeling of bliss. Wrapped up in his arms she is complete. There is not a single thing wrong in the world. She can close her eyes and trust. He will protect her. Her lips curl into a smile as she raises her face to his. She bares her throat to him, her most delicate of places, placing her faith in the knowledge that he would never harm her.

Alone, she questions her feelings. What is love? What does it mean to be "in love"? If she really doesn't know how to answer those questions then how can she be so sure she loves someone? People have written about this thing they call "true love" but if she doesn't feel exactly as the texts describe, is she really in love? Can fondness be similar to love? Do butterflies in one's stomach only indicate infatuation? Perhaps someone being among one's every thought only brings out obsession.

Together, she knows exactly what she feels for him and nothing could shake her from that stance. She is in her place beside him and does her part to strengthen their bond. She is sure of herself and of her feelings. She does not question his feelings for her. She has never been able to do the whole "can you see yourself with this person ten years from now" thing but she isn't quite against sticking with him for a while (as hard as that is for her to admit). "Together" is a word that brings warm fuzzies to her soul. He makes her smile even when he's not near her.

Alone, she picks apart every flaw. How can things work out when they are so different? Different places in life, different experiences, different different different. Her mother was right: people won't stay together if they don't have anything in common. Unimportant commonalities don't count in the longrun. Is that what this is going to end up being? Another failed relationship. It's not like she wants to get married or even settle down, she'd just like some stability. She wants it to last long enough so that her cynic will quiet down. The longer they stay together the more restless the cynic becomes. Is there anything he can do or say to shut her up? If he can figure something out she highly suggests it.

Does she love him? Yes. How does she know this? She just feels it. How can she be so sure of what she feels. She just knows. How long will it last? She isn't sure. All she knows is that she wanted to be with him yesterday, she wants it today and she will want it tomorrow. Can he shut down her thoughts on this topic? Please do.

*stupid link of the day* Money Origami: do you have more money than you know what to do with? either way, you can learn how to fold it into shapes other than "dollar bill". (thanks, danae)

2006-01-04T23:04:00.000-05:00

JeN's to-do list 2006
(in no particular order)

Monica Bellucci
Shirley Manson
Dave Navarro
♥Angelina Jolie♥
Jessica Alba
Charlize Theron
Tyson Beckford
Emma Watson
Rupert Grint
Carmen Electra
Rose McGowan
Scarlett Johansson
Benji Madden (when he looked like he does in this pic)
Rachel McAdams
the slut (ha ha I am the lamest person ever!)
all my lovely blogger pals
Zui Suicide

*stupid link of the day* Porn Bread: yummy edible perversions

2006-01-02T17:12:00.000-05:00

Happy 2006! Hoping everyone had a nice holiday and a lovely beginning to the new year. I got to spend some time at home with my puppies. They're still adorable as ever, even though being the daytime puppy-sitter is definitely not a fun thing. Pfeffer is still doing well and I can't stop spoiling that little rabbit!

I got lots of goodies for Christmas. My mommy stocked me up on books so I've got a few good things to read for the next little while. I got some new pants, shirts, Hello Kitty pyjamas, movies, a necklace, thigh highs, and CDs. I got some delightful cow stuff from Joey's family, including slipper socks and Moosie the Caroling Cow. I think I have enough chocolate to last me until the end of 2006.

Last night Joey and I watched "Madagascar" and petted Scooter. She seems to be in love with the duvet I got him. I think it's because it's fluffy like she is. She looks very prissy with the hot pink rhinestone collar I got her. What can I say? She deserves pink. When I came home, Pfeffer was not impressed that I smelled like cat so we had to have a nice long play time this afternoon with lots of celery to munch on.

New Year's was pretty fun. I went to Andrea's and we were nerdy and played board games all night. I got to meet one of her co-workers and see some people I haven't seen in a while. Joey even came up to visit that night which was very nice of him (thanks, darlin') but I was a little miffed that he didn't want to spend the night. One bad part about the night was that two people I can't stand stopped by and they arrived with two people I do like. They left half an hour before midnight. Who does that? Anyway, we were all glad when those two certain people left (even though they took the two people I like with them... boo) and as soon as the door to Andrea's house shut we all screamed in frustration and rage.

Now I'm back at school. My school seems to start earlier than most other ones and my first class is tomorrow at 11:30. One of my classrooms got changed. Now that class is in a building I've never had a class in before. This should be interesting. Anyway, I shall post some pictures and then I've got to get unpacking so I'm all ready for school tomorrow.

me, Andrea, Sam & Lauren on NYE
a NYE candid
Pfeffy lying down
bunny in a bag
bunny in the house
Pfeffy relaxing
Pfeff munching on some lettuce
Pfeffer stretched out
Delta & Truffle sittin' pretty - Miss Delta's ear is inside-out!

*stupid link of the day* Sperm Cube: some guy is freezing semen to make up a huge cube of it. He'll even let you donate to the cause. One question: why???

2005-12-24T11:59:00.000-05:00

Hope you all have some lovely holidays!

*stupid link of the day* Model Vs Photographer: when the photographer does the same shoot as the models it is rather amusing.

2005-12-22T01:01:00.000-05:00

Hasenpfeffer is a Christmas bunny! He/She/It (I'm not sure what the bunny's gender is yet) is my gift from Joey. I kept going on about how cute I thought bunnies were and he completely surprised me with one today. I wasn't expecting this at all. I adore this bunny!
Hasenpfeffer (yes, the rabbit is named "rabbit stew"), or Pfeffer for short, is so cute. I'm distracted with this lil' ~~rodent~~ lagomorph and I'd rather play bunny tag in my living room than study for my exam.
[update] I found out that Pfeffy is an American Tan rabbit. Maybe I'll find out a little more when we take a trip to the vet later on.

*stupid link of the day* Durex Dickorations: do you think penises are ugly? Maybe you won't after you've dressed one up as royalty, or a cowboy, or in a tuxedo...

2005-12-17T20:23:00.000-05:00

"Tuesday Fairy Tale" from Love Is A Cunt.

"Hold onto this," he said, handing me something dirty and cold.
I held onto that, and tried not to look at it so I wouldn't see how dirty my hand had become.
I watched him fix that stupid thing. It always broke at the most inopportune times. We never had the right parts to fix it, partly because everytime it broke, something different was wrong with it. And we lost the instruction manual years ago, although I don't even remember it coming with one.
He insists he knows what he's doing, though.
They always do.
Finally, he closed it up and put down his tools. He kissed me on the forehead, looking worried.
"What's wrong, dear?" I asked, my worst fears bubbling to the surface.
He looked me straight in the eye. "It's fixed, for now, but if it breaks again ..." His gaze fell downward as he wrung his hands nervously. "I don't think there'll be anything left to fix."
My green eyes turned to ice, and I tipped his head up to face me with my dirty hand. "Well, that's your department, isn't it?"
He nodded and started to get up, to turn away, like he always did when he was fighting his tears.
I got up, too, with no urge to comfort him this time. "I warned you at the beginning, dear. My heart can only take so much."
I walked away, comforted by its beating, but left to wonder how soon its last dance would end.
posted by BingoPajama

I thought this was written beautifully. It spoke to me. I am reminded of the feeling of heartbreak and the reasons it has happened to me. Relationships would be much easier if they came with instruction manuals. Would they be as rewarding then? No. Here's another salute to jumping off the cliff called "love". It's a long way down and I can only hope I never hit the bottom.

*stupid link of the day* Rent A Dildo: okay, I'm pretty sure that they would clean something entirely upon its return but I can't help screaming "EW" internally whenever I think of using someone else's used sex toys.

2005-12-16T01:40:00.000-05:00

Rougher than you normally would, I want you to touch me. Your nails digging into my skin, scoring red lines of damage across my back and legs. I arch into the pain at the exact same time I move away. Your teeth biting my flesh, bruising it, breaking my skin. I want my hair pulled until I feel as though my scalp is tearing away. I want there to be tenderness tomorrow. I want to spend my day constantly cringing as I accidentally rub a sore spot, my smile curling up at the corners of my mouth when I remember what caused that twinge.

Honestly, you telling me you didn't want to hurt me disappointed me. There is a difference between "hurt" and "harm", my love. Where can I ever find the words to describe the sudden rush of sensation I experience when my sensitive nerves are over-stimulated by you? You biting my inner thigh may make me yelp and back away but that is just one of the reactions you see. On the outside I may not appear to enjoy it but my insides tell a whole different story. Bringing to the foreground those sudden feelings, that intensity, is something I crave.

I thrive on touch. You could drive me crazy, literally mad with lust, by giving me nothing more than the whispers of your caresses on my skin. The opposite ends of cold and hot, hard and soft, rough and gentle, are all feelings I react to. Have you never noticed how I enjoy it when you rake your nails down my spine, how I lean into your hand so that you end up pressing harder? Have you never seen me methodically pressing on a tender area where you've bitten me for the rest of the day?

I want to feel your touch on me hours after we've parted ways. I want the shape of your bite marking my body in lasting shades of blue, purple and green. I want my skin to be red and fiery so that the mere task of wearing clothing is enough to rub away my resistance. I want to look at myself in the mirror and be reminded of how many times you have made me yours.

When you hear squeals of pain and see this body retreating, I wish you would grab it and force it to submit to all you can give it. This body will take all you have and be willing enough for more. I want those tears to spring to my eyes. I want to be denied another option. I want for you to touch me. Will I remember it tomorrow?

[update] *contented sigh* He didn't even read this and yet somehow knew what I wanted. I hurt deliciously all over. There were times when I thought my skin would come off in his mouth. If only I hadn't killed the über-hot moment by having a painful muscle spasm in my neck. Stupid tensing up during orgasm... After a few giggles, the moment was found again. Now if only this neck pain would leave. The other yummy pains can stay though!

*stupid link of the day* index of Paris Hilton candid pictures: are these the supposed stolen photos from her Sidekick? Who knows?

2005-12-11T22:59:00.000-05:00

PUPPIES!!!!!

The white puppy is named Delta. The brown puppy is named Truffle. They're sisters and they were born September 24th, 2005. They are a mix of Collie, German Shepherd, Black Lab, and Husky. I am in so much love with them!. I've already got their Christmas presents. I can't wait to go home for Christmas break just to play with them some more. It seems that Joey is in love with my two girls as well since he couldn't bear to stop receiving little puppy kisses. Aw... Now, off to study for my exam in 10 hours.

*stupid link of the day* Lindsay Lohan doesn't change facial expressions: proof that LiLo has wears the same face for every photo. There's also a Paris Hilton version of this website.

2005-12-07T01:47:00.000-05:00

Dressing in a french maid's outfit to serve dinner that I cooked for the boy results in some fun times (after dinner, of course). I also thank the thigh highs and the garter belt... And the lack of food poisoning! I'm not much of a cook but I think I did okay tonight.

It's final exam time, hence the super-short posts. I'm rather stressed out. My first final is this Friday, followed by exams on the 12th, 19th and 22nd. Yeah, I'm stuck here at school till the 23rd. I get one measly week of holidays before I have to come back to this crummy city. I haven't even started my Christmas shopping yet. No ideas yet on what gifts to get for the parents either. So much to do and so little time in which to do it in. *le sigh*

*stupid link of the day* StumbleUpon: "an extension [for Firefox] that is called stumbleupon and it just brings up random websites that fit your interests. You create a profile and then start clicking." Thanks danae!
If anyone ever has stupid link suggestions, feel free to e-mail me.

2005-12-04T16:39:00.000-05:00

Goodbye to Bliatz & Urbanstud.
I'll miss them a lot.
Never mind, it seems they're too addicted to writing. I'm glad the both of you are around once more!
And now back to copious amounts of schoolwork.
Ugh...

*stupid link of the day* A Hand in the Bush: okay, so a book about the art of vaginal fisting is more informative than stupid, but the title of this book just cracks me up. Thanks Rob.

2005-11-29T01:08:00.000-05:00

A sexy name decoder!
Link stolen from Blondage.

2005-11-24T10:59:00.000-05:00

She is aching for a touch. Hands bound at the wrists, hung high above her head. Feeling the tension increase as she struggles unsuccessfully to stand flat-footed on the ground. Her arms feel cool and slightly tingly as her blood is having a small problem circulating since her arms are elevated. She can feel the strain in her feet and calves from staying tip-toed for so long. She is beginning to tire.

This is when someone enters the room. She can feel the swish of the air as they walk by her. A finger covered in something gooey enters her mouth and runs over the inside of her lips and her tongue. Opening her jaw wide, her tongue now clumsy inside her numbed mouth. She bites her lip hard, waiting to feel pain in her nerves, waiting to feel any physical response. All she has is the fuzzy feeling of nothing. Without proper control of her lips and tongue, the excess saliva in her mouth that she would normally swallow slowly dribbles down her chin. She is strung here, drooling like an infant, and unable to do anything to stop it. Resigned, she hands her head in defeat, the cool silk of the blindfold brushing against her eyelids.

A touch. Barely anything. Any other time she probably wouldn't even have registered it but naked, blind and deafened with earplugs, her remaining senses have sharpened. There it is again in the small of her back. It is like the softest breeze, the most gentle caress. The tiny, almost invisible, hairs covering her entire body are all standing on end in anticipation of this phantom touch. Nothing for what seems like an eternity. The only sensations she knows are the strain in her muscles and the liquid dripping from her mouth to cool to a chill on her chest.

Her thigh. She can feel herself leaning into the touch in an effort to have it connect even more with her flesh. A stronger feeling just so she can assure herself that there actually is a touch. Her body is rigid, readying itself for when they next feather-light brush will appear. That's it: a feather. Her mind hungrily files away the sensation. Now that she has something to picture mentally, she doesn't feel quite as isolated. Any mental picture is better than none at all.

She wrinkles her nose as something fluffy brushes underneath it. A touch on her lips. She can barely feel it for the moment but her muscles twitch involuntarily as the smooth caress travels down her front. She is leaning as far forward as her restrained body will allow. She is becoming desperate for some sort of pressure on her skin. Anywhere. This cotton ball lover that runs over her flesh is driving her mad. The softness of it all is wreaking havoc on her sense of touch, rendering every inch of her skin extremely sensitive to even the slightest change in the air.

Along her aching calves the feather drags. If she wouldn't unbalance herself by standing on one leg, she would have kicked out in protest. Dancing along the soles of her already ticklish feet and she jerks away, a whimper escaping from her throat and a fresh stream of saliva running in clear rivulets down her chin.

She swears she can feel every hair follicle on her body. She presses her cheek to her arm just so she is able to remember what a feeling of pressure on her skin feels like. Suddenly, the tension holding up her wrists loosens and she falls to her knees, off balance. The knot holding her up must have been undone somehow. She brings her hands to her face, wiping off her spittle and pressing against her still numbed mouth.

Suddenly, fingernails are raked lovingly down her back and she screams in release. All it took was a touch.

*****

So I pulled an all-nighter last night to write my 12-page sociology final. I wrote over 2000 words in about seven hours and the essays are all set to hand in today. Class isn't until 2:30 but, believe it or not, by the time I was finished printing everything I was too tired to sleep. I'll pass out at the boy's place tonight. Maybe I'll fall asleep before he will so I won't wake up to his snoring! I'm also glad that my cramps are finally receding, so now the blood should stop flowin' sometime soon. One last thing: Andrea is coming to visit me this weekend! We'll have fun even though she'll have to humour me while I get some schoolwork done. The term's almost over. Two more weeks of class, then come finals. Ugh...

I know I posted this same picture last year but this is what it looks like outside again...

*stupid link of the day* Odd Picture: I sincerely hope that these guys are part of a comedy show, contestants in some kind of game show, or being paid a lot of money.

2005-11-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

I live for today.
I live for your smile.
I live for your voice.
I live to try and be what you need.
I live for what I see in your eyes when you look at me.
I live for the grin I get when you tease me.
I live for the butterflies in my stomach when you appear.
I live to share with you.
I live for the safety of being in your arms.
I live for kissing you while you sleep.
I live for the lame songs we sing.
I live for having you confide in me.
I live to be your cheerleader.
I live to support you.
I live to treat you.
I live to be touched by you.
I live for your kiss.
I live for the silly jokes we tell.
I live to help take away your problems.
I live to make you happy.
I live to love you.
I live for sleepy snuggles in the morning.
I live to have you kiss away my tears.
I live to enjoy you.
I live to learn things about you.
I live for the scent of your skin.
I live to share in your excitement.
I live to please you.
I live to intrigue you.
I live for us having our differences.
I live for the feeling of your skin against mine.
I live for testing your tolerance of me.
I live to be there for you.
I live for holding you close.
I live to put you back together when you fall apart.
I live to be yours.
I live for today.

*stupid link of the day* Singing Penis Video: oh yes, it's childish humour and I think it's freakin' hilarious!

2005-11-21T23:58:00.000-05:00

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire was interesting. I'm rather glad I didn't read the book right before seeing the movie like I did for HP3. I learned my lesson this time. Warning: this post may contain possible spoilers. Compared to the books, I think the fourth movie was the worst one filmed so far. The directors really should just start chopping them into two separate movies. I mean, it's not like they're short on time or funding. I'm sure the actors will keep wanting to star in the movies too.

To me it seemed that all of the action scenes were pulled out of the book and smushed together with only a little bit of dialogue for continuity's sake. There was little if no character development at all. I didn't feel that the characters learned anything of importance, except for maybe that the opposite sex doesn't have cooties. Since the main Hogwarts students are all getting a bit older (Hermione, Ron and Harry are supposed to be age 14 in "Goblet of Fire"), they're all turning into quite the eye candy, especially Miss Emma Watson. The other wizards and witches from the other two schools were rather aesthetically pleasing as well. I'm pretty sure that there will be many girls drooling over the guys who played Viktor Krum and Cedric Diggory and boys jerking off to Fleur Delacour (Clémence Poésy even did a topless scene in another movie, "Bienvenue chez les Rozes" in 2003) and Cho Chang (an Asian with a Scottish accent!).

I was rather disappointed that several small but important things were cut out of the movie. One of those things being the simple fact of explaining how Barty Crouch Jr got out of Azkaban! Would it really be that difficult to take two minutes to explain how he is no longer in prison and who helped that to come about instead of letting the audience (who haven't read the book) thinking "wtf?" I also think that the little bit of info about Hermione and and S.P.E.W. and the house elves would have been nice since it gives a little more insight into her character. I remember that I was rather upset when Cedric was killed by Voldemort at the end of the book. I didn't really feel much for his character in the movie since there wasn't enough interaction between the characters for me to develop any attachment for them. It wasn't even mentioned that Cedric and Cho were actually dating each other at this point, so it looked like she was more upset than most students when he died. At the very least the movie could have showed Harry leaving the Dursley's house because we already know that it's important for him to go there every summer. Or how about a little more alluding to the Ron-Hermione luv and/or the Harry-Ginny luv... or at least the freakin' important Harry-Cho luv? Hell, I'm surprised there was even a mentioning of the demise of Mr and Mrs Longbottom.

It's just another movie where I suspect only the Cole's Notes were read instead of the actual book. I know that it was important to cut a lot of unimportant stuff out so that it was possible to make one movie out of a 700+ page book, but why cut out stuff that is crucial to a full understanding of the storyline? Why only include the action scenes and leave out the stuff that makes us come to love these characters? Yes, fast-paced action catches our attention but fans don't fight for these books just to read about, say, a Quidditch game. We want character development! Agree with me or not, I like HP4 as a movie and an entertaining movie only. When I compare it to the book, which I can't help doing, it is a terrible movie. I still can't wait for HP5 to finish filming though!

Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire: Book vs Movie

JeN took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Takes easily and quickly to anything which provide..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

*stupid link of the day* Happy Sunshine Storytime: I wonder how the world would be if this was the kind of story we'd read alound in the classroom.

2005-11-13T22:41:00.000-05:00

Me: what should I get Scooter for Christmas?
Joey: you don't have to get her anything. She's a fucking cat.
Me: are you getting her something?
Joey: ... yes...

[edit] Scooter: I'm not a raccoon, I'm "a-dorable."

*stupid link of the day* K-Fed's single: wow, Mrs Britney's first released track off of his first album sucks dirty monkey balls. Picture Vanilla Ice... and then downgrade him by a zillion.

2005-11-12T15:45:00.000-05:00

Many men out there watch porn, it seems. I think that in my next life I'd like to come back as a male so I can understand what the big deal about porn is. As much as I try not to let the idea of pornography get to me, every so often it seeps through the chinks in my mind. I've seen the stuff that the boy watches and I can't quite decide whether I am fascinated or disgusted. A little of both. He watches the "lesbian" (girl-on-girl) stuff almost exclusively and doesn't really seem to mind the way my lip curls when I watch it on his computer.

The whole idea of how the way a girl who does porn is supposed to embody North American society's idea of physical perfection (maybe with a few exaggerations) bothers me. The slim women who look like they are the age of late teens/early twenties with their large breasts and long hair and flawless skin is what irks me. I think of how after constantly masturbating to the same thing Pavlov's theory would help to indicate that one would associate that thing with pleasure. That "thing" being the girls in the porno, but then there is me who is far from them in looks. I'm not stick-thin, I don't have flawless features, I can't pleasure someone orally for what seems like hours on end without getting tired.

In those vulnerable moments right before I fall asleep I find myself wondering if he compares me to those girls in front of the camera. I wonder if he ever feels disappointed because I don't look like them and I don't act like them. I wonder if he ever wishes he knew what it would be like to be with them (save the whole steroetype of the pornstar crawling with STIs). When he is with me, does he ever imagine that I look like one of those girls? During those moments before sleep where all my walls are down, I am the most susceptible to negative thoughts. Those thoughts follow me into dreams and, if vivid enough, are still there when I wake.

There are times when he touches me for no particular reason, when he tells me he loves me, when he tolerates all of my annoying quirks with a smile, and it's those frequent moments when I know he doesn't care what I look like or that fact that I'm not really willing to do girl-on-girl sex. He will hold my hand in public, he will tolerate when I pout, he even goes along with the ways I make fun of his gross habits. Maybe there are times when I feel ugly and that no one should be subjected to the sight of me. Maybe there are times I wish I was more attractive according to North American society's standards. Maybe there are also times that he can make me feel truly beautiful and I wouldn't trade being who I am with him for anything in the universe.

*stupid link of the day* All Look Same: I'm sure there are many people out there who, deep down, have thought that all Asian people look the same. Would you care to test that theory?

2005-11-02T14:11:00.000-05:00

The Halloween party was fun times. I'm glad I got to go. I'm also glad that certain boys drink enough to consider letting a girl dress them up in her clothing. Now if only there was a polite way to let him know that he makes a hideous woman. Joey, Kyle and I left for Toronto around 3:30 last Friday and we made a side trip so I could get my shaver exchanged. Turns out it's not defective, it's just built funny. You have to have everything lined up precisely in order for it to work. It works now!

James showing off his Jedi mind tricks "these are not the drunks you are looking for"
Jedi Master brandishing his ultimate weapon
Mistress Amanda & James Kenobi
they say they're "hetero" life mates...

Amanda & James have a nice apartment. I think it's great because along with the two bedrooms they also have two bathrooms! Lucky Amanda, not having to share a bathroom with a boy. Well, James is pretty girly when it comes to body and hair products... Anyway, we sat around and drank while waiting for everyone else to show up, then we drank some more. Around 11 we headed to a bar to drink and dance. There was a best costume contest and I was rooting for the girl who dressed up as a Rubik's cube. Sadly she lost to a guy who came as a Dirty Sanchez (ew).

Chloe the flight attendant & Father Gus
punk rock Jeremy it was even funnier because he totally pulled off the look even though normally he looks the complete opposite
Mistress Amanda slapping a tush with her riding crop
Joey & the schoolgirl oh yes, I slutted it up

While we were still at the apartment, Amanda managed to dress Joey up in some of her clothes. He looked like a ten-cent whore. I still can't believe he went along with it. It's amazing what just a little bit of alcohol can do to one's inhibitions. He even went out to the bar dressed like that. Bright red wig, red mesh shirt, red lace bra that we stuffed with tissues, black pantyhose and a tight skirt. There were no heels that would fit him so he wore his own shoes. It turns out that there were lots of guys talking about him once we got to the bar. He even used the women's washroom. The quote of the weekend being "fuck you, I'm a dude!"

Kyle wearing a bad wig and "Josephine"
Mistress Amanda helping "Josephine" with her undergarments
a Domme and a cross-dresser posing all pretty
my costume twin? what was even more disturbing than the cross-dresser was the fact that Joel showed up in the same costume I did. I think he was trying to be a Scotsman, but he looked more like a schoolgirl

*stupid link of the day* ascii pr0n: some people have way too much time on their hands. I suppose this would be the nerd's pornography.

2005-11-01T02:35:00.000-05:00

I make a mockery of colour bars. I think they're kinda dumb. This one is genius and it's the stupid link of the day!

Mario is murder.
So I haven't been around because my computer is being screwy again. Need to find time to get it fixed. I wonder when it will decide to break again and for how long?

Tagged by Jasmine
10 years ago: I was in grade 6 and going through health class for the first time. I realized that sex was one of the most disgusting and fascinating things then. Nicole and I were the 2-headed monster that year for Halloween. So difficult to trick-or-treat in but so much fun!

5 years ago: I was in grade 12 and struggling with my first big relationship. It was falling apart and, even though I think I knew it was time to end it, I still wanted to hold on. That only worked until about February

1 year ago: I was in Waterloo and Lauren came to visit me and we went to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show with some friends at the Princess Theatre.

Yesterday: I slept all day after coming back from Amanda & James' Halloween party in Toronto

5 snacks I enjoy: chocolate, popcorn & yogurt, clementines, cheesecake, raspberries

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars: pay off school debts, take my three best friends and travel the world, meet Angelina Jolie, donate to the WWF, buy my parents whatever they wanted

5 places I would run away to: Belize, the mountains with my 2 goats, the Galapagos Islands, Germany, my bedroom

5 things I wouldn't be caught dead in: schpants, a shrug, a bikini, a coffin (ha ha, I want to be cremated), the wrong room for my English exam next week

5 favourite shows: Queer As Folk... do I need anything else?

5 bad habits: procrastinating, being lazy, being girly, being a perfectionist, nagging/bitching

5 biggest joys: being alive, eating, sleeping, not being hungover, love

5 favourite toys: my computer/internet (when the damn thing decides to work), video games, air hockey, Mooink, me

Tagging: anyone who wants to fill this out

2005-10-23T15:39:00.000-04:00

The Sex Show was fun times. We left for Toronto Friday afternoon and spent the night at Dana and Lauren's place. We watched "Not Another Teen Movie" because I had never seen it before and made Halloween cookies and played with Dana's lizard, Morrison. He was the cutest thing and I couldn't stop touching him. He likes to stare at the wall. He really seemed to like being in Joey's hair since he ended up laying there for almost an hour and falling asleep.

Morisson
more Morrison

The next day was Sex Show day! We hung around at Lauren's place until Kyle showed up and then we headed to the subway station. Upon arriving at the Ex, we couldn't find the damn Automotive Building. We got to the Show around 1:00 and it was already pretty busy. Everything was set up in booths so we wandered from one end of the building to the other so we could get a chance to see everything there was to offer. Lauren and I had each budgeted 100$ to spend (yeah, we're poor broke students) so we had to pick and choose wisely.

glass dildos
a stripper

The boys didn't seem as fascinated with things as Lauren and I were. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and Lauren and I have decided we're gonna go next year too. The Show didn't have as many non "mainstream" things as I thought there would be. Most of the booths were just like any other sex store you could find in a major city. There were a few booths that sold collars, cuffs, or floggers but not many. There was a dominatrix booth there but whenever we passed it by she was never in. All of her acessories, like her St Andrew's cross, were hot pink and glittery. She also had Twister mats laid out on the floor. Strange.

Las Gatas dancing
my thumbnail

I got my thumbnail painted at a nail polish art booth. If I hadn't already budgeted my money I might have bought their kit. The woman's nails looked wicked. She even had a design of two people having rear-entry sex on one of her nails just for the Sex Show. I thought that was kinda cute. We watched the pole-dancing show and Las Gatas dancing. I ended up buying a schoolgirl outfit so that I can be a ninja schoolgirl for Halloween. I've yet to decide if I should wear the outfit with white knees socks or with black fishnets. Lauren and I were also sold on the Ultimate Personal Shaver. The woman who was at the booth tried it out on a patch of Kyle's arm hair. It took her less than 10 seconds to shave the patch of his arm baby butt smooth. It was that fact that the shaver came with stencils (a lightning bolt!) that made us decide to buy it. Yes, we're simple people. So, 163.23$ later, not including subway fare or food, I am back.

I tried out the shaver last night and, what do you know, I have a defective one. I called the store I bought it from today and they said I'd have to bring it in with my receipt and they'd give me a new shaver. Too bad the store is near Toronto and ~~I'm not going to be heading in that direction anytime soon~~ I'm going there this weekend for Amanda & James' Halloween party. ~~That's kind of depressing. Joey's just gonna have to deal with a stubbly girlfriend then.~~

I didn't end up taking that many pictures at the show. I felt weird taking pictures with so many scantilly-clad women around. You'll just have to deal with the few pictures I did take (most of them are of the Red Storm Burlesque show).

me with Gabriella Phillips she is President of Chain's Reaction. They had some really neat-looking stuff but i couldn't afford any of it. this is a really bad picture of me and she is blinking. ew ew ew
sickly sweet coat Joey got sold on some waterproofing stuff for leather. It has this weird sickly sweet smell that followed him around all day since he put the stuff on his coat when we sat down to get a drink and some food.
the weird devil woman I'm pretty sure the burlesque show had a plotline but I didn't understand it
more Red Storm the lighting is bad because of all the coloured spotlights. that's why everyone appears purple or something.
Red Storm 3
Red Storm 4
Red Storm 5 ooooh a fire show!
Red Storm 6
Red Storm 7 girls oiling each other up

I had a lot of fun at the Show and I know Lauren did too. The boys were sick of window shopping after the first hour. Maybe next year we'll go without them. After the show, we met up with Joey's friends, Amanda & James, at a bar and we ate dinner. We told them about the show and Amanda said she'd want to go next year. Guess we'll have to see. On the way home, it was really cold and the rain turned into wet snow. It's only October and I've already seen snow! I tried on the schoolgirl outfit for the boy and it was met with approval, which is good since he was the whole reason I bought it. Could someone please explain to me what the deal is with men liking schoolgirls? I'll have to budget more money for the show next year since now I know what kind of stuff is offered. Can't wait! Now I've got a midterm tomorrow and I've got to get studying. ew.

*stupid link of the day* Prussian Blue: young adorable twin girls who write, sing and play their own songs. they have fans in the US and Germany. they've been on magazine covers and played at festivals. they live with their mom and are homeschooled. they dress in matching outfits and are active in politics. too bad they're also all about white supremacy and aren't afraid to say so.
article: Young Singers Spread Racist Hate

2005-10-19T23:16:00.000-04:00

The cynic speaks for her when she is alone. The cynic points out every single one of his faults and amplifies them inside the girl's mind. The cynic makes sure that the girl is aware of all of her own faults and how he will not stick around when he learns of them. Perhaps he has learned of them already and is preparing in his own mind right now how to leave her. As a female, the girl has spent hours and hours of her life pouring over her flaws, picking them apart, blowing them up out of proportion. She knows exactly what is wrong with her physically and how she would rather appear.

The cynic makes a note of whenever he points out an attractive female that isn't the girl and makes a mental comparison. "She's thinner." "She has bigger breasts." "She's taller." "She has better skin." On and on the cynic drones until the girl can do nothing but bite her lip and hope that the cynic will stop talking sometime soon. The girl pretends that the other females he notices don't matter to her but she still can't help comparing herself to them. She has yet to be convinced that he loves her exactly as she appears. How can he love her if she can't even love herself?

Sometimes he mentions things that he has done with other girls, things the girl has yet to do. The cynic makes her feel incompetant. If those other girls gave those things to him, if the girl doesn't then he might look elsewhere. He says they don't matter but if they didn't matter then why did he tell her about them? The cynic tells her that the girl isn't good enough for him. Maybe he is only with her right now for sex? The girl was never the type of person to want to keep tabs on him all the time. Who knows what boys get up to on their own?

The girl tries to fight the cynic. If he didn't love her then why would he spend time with her and do nice things for her just because? The cynic reminds the girl that she's been just a fuck before and could be again. He does more nice things for the girl than she does for him. He may get sick of that and take off. Her track record has never ended in happiness, only heartbreak. The cynic thrives on memories of that feeling, growing steadily with the pain. Bitterness is the dress worn by the cynic and despair makes up her flesh. Unknowingly, the girl feeds the cynic daily by letting her have free reign of the girl's mind.

The mirror is the girl's nemesis and the cynic's greatest glory. In the mirror, the cynic can bring flaws to the girl's awareness. Mirrored naked in his eyes and the cynic causes the girl to blush in embarrassment and disrupts her enjoyment of him. Perhaps he is just pretending to enjoy her body? The girl has seen pictures of the kinds of girls he lusts after in his mind and they look nothing like her. She feels inadequate. She knows that everything the cynic makes her feel is silly. She knows that he loves her and she knows that she is nowhere near unattractive. The cynic is the foremost voice in her mind and is the only voice heard when the girl is alone.

There is only one place the cynic is quiet: when the girl is in the safety of his arms. In that place the rest of the world is shut out and the girl can focus on her feelings of love for him. She ignores the cynic begging to be let in, she ignores the problems she is facing in her life, she ignores things that she has to get done tomorrow. In his arms she finds her peace.

*stupid link of the day* Delerium's Realm: have you ever wanted to learn all you can about demons? If so, this is the site for you!

2005-10-16T14:59:00.000-04:00

The Everything To Do With Sex Show will be attended by Joey, Lauren and I in 6 days! Lauren told me that Ron Jeremy is going to be there and, if the crowds permit, I want his autograph. I've got my tickets for the Show sitting right here on my desk and every time I look at them I get all giddy. I've wanted to go to this Show for years now and have just never had the opportunity to. Now that's all changed! Joey and I are going to make our way to Toronto on Friday and spend the night at Lauren's place so we can head out to the Automotive Building at a decent hour the next day. I can't wait!

I'm bringing my camera so that I can take lots of silly pictures. Lauren and I are totally hoping for free stuff, like condoms that I can add to my collection. I'm also on the lookout for a reasonably-priced slutty schoolgirl kilt. The ones I've seen in stores are around 50-60$ and that's a bit much. If I can find the kilt then I am going to be a ninja schoolgirl for Halloween. If not, then I was also debating over being Tifa Lockhart, but the way she looks in FFVII:AC. I'm really hoping that the Show will be good times because Joey doesn't seem like he cares if he goes or not and I want him to have fun.

Right now I am supposed to be writing a sort of comparison essay for my Children's Lit class. It's due tomorrow and I am looking at Disney's "Sleeping Beauty" vs the Grimm Brothers' "Brier Rose". I'm actually suffering from writers' block at the moment. If this essay was just a flat out comparison essay I would be having no problems but, unfortunately, I have to concentrate on if the adaptation "represents the central concerns, issues or spirit/theme of the literary work" and trying to figure out what "Brier Rose"'s theme could be is messing with my head. I am also possibly being a pathetic girly-girl and counting down the minutes to when the football game will be over.

Instead, I post this for my own amusement (and possibly yours): ~~singing to Mooink~~
Feel free to make fun of it.
Also, my nipples hurt in that delicious way that reminds you of what happened a little while ago. Yum!

*stupid link of the day* Rap Lyrics Translated: have you ever wanted to know what a rap artist is really talking about? well, this student may be able to help you out.

2005-10-12T01:04:00.000-04:00

Geeked!
Final Fantasty VII: Advent Children.
Who is finally watching it? Oh yes, that's right, ME!
Proof of nerdiness shared between Andrea, Lauren and myself: geeks
imdb movie info
AdventChildren.net
Official English Square-Enix Advent Children Site